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Full Version: Lullaby

RPG RPG Revolution Forums > Story and Plot Area > Writing Critique

Jonnie19

Nov 18 2012, 02:25 PM

Lullaby

Here he comes
Around again
Are you trying to rise?
From your lullaby
--------X-------
Just close your eyes
And rest your head
You’ll always feel safe
Inside your bed
--------X-------
Take your friend
Or leave them behind
Just be aware
Of what they might find
--------X-------
Stuffed in a corner?
Feel like you’ve been stitched up!
Breathe a deep sigh
And enjoy your Lullaby
--------X-------
The beady eyes
Avoid their gaze
Or they will send you
Into your Lullaby
--------X-------

X-M-O

Nov 18 2012, 03:56 PM

That's confusing, lol. I'm not sure if the lullaby is good or bad. XD
The third stanza talks about enjoying the lullaby, and the fourth seems to warn against it. 0.o

Jonnie19

Nov 18 2012, 04:02 PM

That is exactly what we're looking for

Shaddow

Nov 18 2012, 04:04 PM

I think it is supposed to be confusing, but do you think this is something a kid would be running around singing? That is what I'm unsure on, it's great, but is it something a kid would say.

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