All right, so I normally do not ever submit my own written works anywhere online (past results have ended in theft), however this will be a topic where I will submit a couple of things that I'm interested in receiving feedback on (nothing I will be publishing, these are strictly personal works and are copyright to me). =]
For now I'm only going to submit a poem to see if I can get the kind of feedback I'm looking for; if I get enough, I'll start posting up some pieces of a story that I've been wanting to finish writing, but haven't had the motivation to complete (it will be a short story, unless feedback here pushes me to write more, lol).
Here's what I have for now, an old poem I wrote back in High School. ^^
The Blind Child
I was born blind,
I see no colour.
I am sidelined,
I have no mother.
I have been marred,
And you will agree,
It would be hard
To live like me.
In the darkness
I still see light,
In the vision-less
I still see right.
What I envision
Is not fine arts.
It is precision
Defining hearts.
Full Version: X-M-O writes something.
Really good, X-M-O. I like your economy of words, and how each word packs power. Every line has a purpose in revealing the child's nature to us, in other words, there is no filler. Your poem also employs a purposeful structure, that goes like this:
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
That is really good, X-M-O!
I very much like this part;
In the darkness
I still see light,
In the vision-less
I still see right.
If I could rep, I would! Thank you for sharing with us.
I very much like this part;
In the darkness
I still see light,
In the vision-less
I still see right.
If I could rep, I would! Thank you for sharing with us.
QUOTE (thatbennyguy @ Jul 30 2012, 08:46 PM) 
Really good, X-M-O. I like your economy of words, and how each word packs power. Every line has a purpose in revealing the child's nature to us, in other words, there is no filler. Your poem also employs a purposeful structure, that goes like this:
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
That would be funny if it were a coincidence, lol. But it was done on purpose in High School for a poem contest, since free-style poetry was not allowed, I had to get creative with my form. ^^
Yeah, I tried to make things as meaningful as possible for the word limit (because I used so few words, I got another stanza in there, which made mine the longest poem, in terms of stanzas for the contest.)
I haven't written poetry in a while, so that's my last poem that I actually have sitting around anywhere, but I'm planning on finishing a short story I started some time back. ^^
(The story is actually based on an RPG idea that I had, but I decided to write the story instead of make the game. I'm completely cool with someone making a game that uses my story, once it is completed.) =]
QUOTE (MagitekElite @ Jul 30 2012, 09:13 PM)
That is really good, X-M-O!
I very much like this part;
In the darkness
I still see light,
In the vision-less
I still see right.
If I could rep, I would! Thank you for sharing with us.
I very much like this part;
In the darkness
I still see light,
In the vision-less
I still see right.
If I could rep, I would! Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you.
I had difficulty with that line, as I recall. I rewrote it about three times just to get the right words, but I decided not to go with lesser known words. In the end, I used words rhyming with "ight" versus what I had before that, but I don't remember what it was, lol.
I liked it, nice and simple/ to the point. Theft is a problem everywhere but im glad it hasnt stopped you from sharing your work with the world:)
It has stopped me, lol.
However, there are some things that I'm willing to show because I'm not at any great loss if they are stolen.
Though they still belong to me, and I don't want them stolen. ><
Thanks for commenting. ^^
However, there are some things that I'm willing to show because I'm not at any great loss if they are stolen.
Though they still belong to me, and I don't want them stolen. ><
Thanks for commenting. ^^
Ugh, thieves! What in the world possess them to steal things? Don't they realize, at least, that it will be found out? :sigh
Well, I'm very happy with the current version, so I'm glad you reworked it so many times! The rhythm of it is the best part, to me it is at least. The whole thing sounds like it would come from a superhero/vigilante or belong to something similar—and I love that.
Well, I'm very happy with the current version, so I'm glad you reworked it so many times! The rhythm of it is the best part, to me it is at least. The whole thing sounds like it would come from a superhero/vigilante or belong to something similar—and I love that.
Thank you, I'm glad you like it that much. ^^
I wanted to express the way that a blind person that I knew personally (I helped take care of her when she was little) was able to tell how sincere a person was without having to see them. So I made my poem about her (Abigail), though that was not a requirement for the contest. =]
I wanted to express the way that a blind person that I knew personally (I helped take care of her when she was little) was able to tell how sincere a person was without having to see them. So I made my poem about her (Abigail), though that was not a requirement for the contest. =]
QUOTE (X-M-O @ Jul 30 2012, 10:01 PM)
QUOTE (thatbennyguy @ Jul 30 2012, 08:46 PM)
Really good, X-M-O. I like your economy of words, and how each word packs power. Every line has a purpose in revealing the child's nature to us, in other words, there is no filler. Your poem also employs a purposeful structure, that goes like this:
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
4545 4544
4454 5454
That's the number of syllables in each line, and the stanzas have been separated by spaces. I'm assuming that you did this on purpose, because it reads the same forwards and backwards (a palindrome). It's interesting when people put this much thought into poem, and it really shows. So good job, and I really hope you continue to post these, X-M-O.
That would be funny if it were a coincidence, lol. But it was done on purpose in High School for a poem contest, since free-style poetry was not allowed, I had to get creative with my form. ^^
That's the unfortunate side effect of school. I understand the need to teach form, but sometimes it feels as if education favors one style over another, which hinders creative growth. While you certainly don't want somebody growing up writing as if they were rehearsing for a role in the "See Spot Run" parade, you also don't want to smother the creative instincts a child might have.
Very good poem, by the way. Sight is definitely something many of us take for granted, and I don't know how I could live without it (unable to read, watch movies, read a book, play games, be a part of a great RM community).
I'm actually not at all opposed to the way the contest was done, but that's because it was the contest I chose to enter; there were several, and free-style was the topic of one of them, but that is also where all of the "uneducated" people were entering (I saw that, because I was very prejudice against other students that did not study or that were noisy during class, etc.). 
I've lost that bias now, but at the time I wouldn't associate myself with anyone that wasn't in my group (smart girl club, but we were all into art and music - and there was a guy in our group).
I've always had problems with my eyes, so taking care of a girl that was blind really made me appreciate things more (it just took a while to get some of that prejudice out of my head).
I've lost that bias now, but at the time I wouldn't associate myself with anyone that wasn't in my group (smart girl club, but we were all into art and music - and there was a guy in our group).
I've always had problems with my eyes, so taking care of a girl that was blind really made me appreciate things more (it just took a while to get some of that prejudice out of my head).
Well I normally don't like poetry all that much, mostly because in school we read boring ones, but...I just liked the flow of it. It's great.
I understand what you mean. If poetry doesn't have a reason behind it, it's usually boring. The most passionate poets make poetry worth reading, but there are occasionally a few good poems written by people like me that have something they are either passionate about or simply put emotion and effort into. =]
Thanks for commenting. ^^
Thanks for commenting. ^^
And now, what I have so far in my story:
(As you can tell, at the end I sort of pulled together some thoughts that will actually be used differently, so that last sentence will be re-written.)
The story will be written entirely in the first person, and the person speaking is the main character (Ian).
Ian, the Archsage
(As you can tell, at the end I sort of pulled together some thoughts that will actually be used differently, so that last sentence will be re-written.)
The story will be written entirely in the first person, and the person speaking is the main character (Ian).
I would probably feel the exact same as Ian in the case of his judgment of his natural parents. That's something I can't forgive, despite the reasons....Unless of course, perhaps, it was to spare his life from some treacherous fate. (Kind of like in Kung Fu Panda 2 if anyone saw that.)
Either way, it's really good, and I can't wait to read more. It's short, so it makes me all jittery for the next bit.
Either way, it's really good, and I can't wait to read more. It's short, so it makes me all jittery for the next bit.
That's really good, X-M-O. I like your style of writing; you use words very economically and make things very understandable and readable. I'm looking forward to what happens next.
QUOTE (RionTarokai @ Aug 2 2012, 05:39 PM)
I would probably feel the exact same as Ian in the case of his judgment of his natural parents. That's something I can't forgive, despite the reasons....Unless of course, perhaps, it was to spare his life from some treacherous fate. (Kind of like in Kung Fu Panda 2 if anyone saw that.)
Either way, it's really good, and I can't wait to read more. It's short, so it makes me all jittery for the next bit.
Either way, it's really good, and I can't wait to read more. It's short, so it makes me all jittery for the next bit.
Yeah, I tried to build up the beginning to meet the emotions a person would have if their parents had abandoned them in that way. Of course, trying to design emotions for a guy is somewhat difficult, but I think I've asked enough guys how they would feel in that position to get it right, lol.
Thanks for the comment. ^^
Yes, it is short right now, but hopefully I am able to complete chapter 1 soon (only a little bit more before chapter 2 starts) and then the real story begins.
QUOTE (thatbennyguy @ Aug 2 2012, 06:13 PM)
That's really good, X-M-O. I like your style of writing; you use words very economically and make things very understandable and readable. I'm looking forward to what happens next.
Yeah, I generally don't re-write something until I've finished the book entirely; my drafts look like what you see in chapter 1, lol.
I've had a lot of practice, and I'm glad it shows in one of my less-favourite stories.
That poem touched my heart, and it reminds of me of when I read about Helen Keller's early life, and I like the style in which you wrote it as well. Hopefully I will be able to read more of your work.
Thank you, I really appreciate the comment.
Helen Keller wasn't my inspiration, but it is good to know that it is relative to other inspiring people like Helen Keller. ^^
Helen Keller wasn't my inspiration, but it is good to know that it is relative to other inspiring people like Helen Keller. ^^
Your welcome! And as nice as I may seem, compliments are hard to squeeze out of me, I'm like a stubborn orange who refuses to share her juices. (Lord, that didn't sound right O_o)
What an analogy! XD
Annoying Orange meets Demented Cashew.
I've not really spent much time working on the Ian story, so I'm not ready to post anything else from it. ><
I did construct a map of the world that it is written in, but I'm most likely not going to post that up at all.
Annoying Orange meets Demented Cashew.
I've not really spent much time working on the Ian story, so I'm not ready to post anything else from it. ><
I did construct a map of the world that it is written in, but I'm most likely not going to post that up at all.
Lol, Annoying Orange is actually quite annoying. I hate his mouth though, lol.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.