(Posting this story in a seperate topic to keep it organized.)
Okay, now I've decided I'll post a prologue type thing for a story that has been long in the making. It started out as a playground game involving myself and a few friends. That's right, a playground game. That we did in like third grade. However, 2 of the friends that were involved in this game of ours stayed in the same school district when I moved after 5th grade. I returned halfway through sixth grade, however, and we met up in Junior High. This game more or less continued, but not physically. Instead, we gave ideas and such. It became a story. Dakota and I at least planned for a story. We even collaborated a couple times and just brainstormed ideas like mad. However, we never got a chance. Dakota moved to Oregon before our Sophomore year in high school. So, here I am now, a Junior, continuing on with our story we created in third grade.
It's called "Annals of Elendor". This is a science fiction story, so if you're not much of a fan, then I apologize. Elendor is the name of a planet in a distant galaxy from our own. Elendor is not the main focus, despite the title. Actually, the main focus is different with each story (as Dakota and I planned for sequels and stuff.) In any case...I'll start with the first one in the series. I hope you enjoy reading it. Thanks.
WARNING: Story may contain language now or later on that some may find offensive. I apologize if you are offended by anything at any time during your reading of this story.
It's very long. So it's in this spoiler thing just in case.
ANNALS OF ELENDOR The Human-Cybairan War Phase 000 -------------------------------- Date - August 010, 5469, Log 00-03,
I am Kyousei Zeiro, and I am the 3rd Emperor of Cybaira. The year is 5469 A.D. in human years, and I am twenty human years old. No, I am not human. I am a Cybairan. We are a race of sentient, data-like organisms that reside on the planet of Cybaira. We used to inhabit Earth, until a certain incident forced us to flee. Our relations to the humans...is not so great. Tensions are high, and my people are still hostile toward them, even though that incident was hundreds of years ago. Unfortunately, past grudges do not seem to fade easily. It is difficult for me, as the ruler of this entire planet, to please them all. It is especially difficult when you have control of more than one planet. The colonizing of other planets began around 300 years ago, at least, for the other races, when the humans discovered some kind of device to warp space. I can't bother to remember what they called it. Great, now I'm starting to get off-topic... Well, I guess I should start from the beginning. It was a long time ago; about 600 or so years ago that this incident took place on Earth. I was very, very young back then.
Cybairans...We're an odd race. At first, we were nothing more than floating blue blobs with eyeholes, to put it simply. We had no defined shape or mass. I believe we lived, originally, on a comet hurdling through space. I'm not quite sure how our species even came about, to be honest. Not even the oldest of us know. In any case, as you might assume, we eventually crash-landed.The comet we lived on was big, but even so, it burned up quite a bit while entering the planet's atmosphere. Soon after the comet crashed, strange creatures arrived at the site. They looked very different from each other, each one varying in height and color. We didn't know much about anything at the time, considering how recently we'd joined the universe. We all managed to hide before we were spotted. Since it was their living area, or at least we thought it was, we had no idea how they would react to trespassers. All of us managed to scan them, though. By doing so, we were able to mimic their appearance, which we could alter slightly to our liking. You could say we are face thieves. That would be more or less true. We had no appearance of our own, so we took on that of another. However, we copied more than just their outer looks. We also scanned their genetic code. Although we don't have blood or organs as they do, we implemented some of their genetic codes with our own bodies. We were like them, but not quite. Cybairan bodies have no vital organs in them like a human's does. We live because of a crystal we call Sainite. It's our energy source. We don't eat or drink food. Our bodies are that of like what a human would call a ghost. Objects would phase through our bodies. We quickly discovered that was not normal, so we had to alter the density of our bodies so objects would not simply phase through. As time went on, we discovered more and more about the culture of humans. What they were called, names, we discovered music, art, the television, and much more. They seemed very advanced, and very intelligent. Until we discovered war. They were a species infamous for fighting among themselves. Human culture influenced us too much. We altered ourselves to be too much like their fiction. We stood out in very bad ways. Things took a turn for the worse when we were uncovered as an alien species. The humans blew everything out of proportion. There were a lot more Cybairans than you might think that were living among the humans at the time. There were about two million of us. We made up roughly about one-point-five percent of the Earth's population back then. However, when the humans realized they couldn't kill us through conventional means, they took drastic measures. They managed to capture one of our own. Using our fellow Cybairan for experiments. They managed to create a weapon specifically geared toward destroying Cybairans. They called it the ACGV-01. The Anti-Cybairan GENO-VIRUS-01. It wasn't a perfect weapon, but it did the job if the wielder had a good shot. Hitting in the arms or legs wouldn't kill a Cybairan instantly. Instead, it infected them like a disease, and killed them slowly and painfully. However, shots to the torso or the head meant instant death. They killed over half of the Cybairans this way. I happened tp be one of the lucky survivors. In a last-dtich effort, we created a vessel to escape Earth. We succeeded, though we lost many that day. I was five human years old. As we traveled through space, we became more knowledgeable by studying the technology of the humans and other races we met on our travels. Some were hospitable, and others not so much.
Throughout our travels, my fellow Cybairans did not forget the actions of the humans, and they never forgave them for it. To this day, even I can't condone what they did. Eventually, we reached a distant galaxy which we would soon call home. With the assistance of all of the colonized planets in the solar system we ended up in, we actually managed to create an artificial planet. Yes, that is correct. We made a planet. It took many years to complete, but when it was finished, it was the greatest day in the short history of the Cybairans. As a whole, our species decided an imperialistic system would be a more efficient form of government. The planet was named Cybaira, because it was created artificially, and its outer appearance was like ours, it resembled a sphere of data, and it glowed a deep blue. The surface, despite the Cybairans' collective hatred toward humankind, was very much like planet Earth. The main difference was our planet was not polluted. In fact, the energy source we used, and still use today is a non-polluting energy source. The Sainite evaporates when its used up. Then it comes down as your everyday precipitation. In any case, our civilization advanced at an impossible rate. Now, we're known as the most technologically advanced species in the known universe. Considering that most races only recently joined the space exploration bandwagon, it's not surprising how still little is actually known about our universe. Even so, we take pride in that title. That mostly sums up the past of my race. In modern times, we're formally at war with the Terran Alliance, which was formed after the humans drove us from their planet. We had managed to unify the people of Earth, but at the cost of ourselves. The Terrans are our biggest enemy, and currently, the biggest threat. I do not like war, but I will not hesitate to strike them down if they continue to threaten the lives of innocent Cybairans. We did nothing wrong, their reasons for war with us are unjust and lack foundation. I will do my best to solve this situation peacefully. I am even willing to compromise to a certain extent. However, if all else fails...Cybaira will crush the humans with all of her might. I do not like war.
But I do not show mercy.
END OF DATA...-
Yeah...That was pretty long. Very drawn out. Uhm, well, let me know what you think. I'd really appreciate suggestions and stuff. Like what I could work on and what areas I seem to be having trouble with, etc. I'd appreciate it very, very much. Thanks.
~RionTarokai
Tsureiyu
Apr 5 2012, 11:50 AM
Woahh, it sounds real nice! Not in my critic/review mode at the moment, sorry. But it seems interesting. I'm making a futuristic RPG too...
Well anyways I would definately play the game
RionZT
Apr 5 2012, 07:02 PM
Thank you, glad you like it. I'd totally play it too if Dakota was still around.
Jonnie19
Apr 9 2012, 01:15 PM
Sometimes the best stories are created when your younger lol. Not to much of a fan of Si-Fi, however they way you've used first person has kinda intregued me, especially as it is more difficult to explain your characters when you are using this style of narative. but you've explained the world to me really well and I can get a strong feel for the characters. So I'm definately keeping my eye on this story, and I'd love to play the RPG also lol
RionZT
Apr 12 2012, 01:24 PM
Thanks for the comment, glad it's interested you despite the fact you're not much of a fan of sci-fi stuff. The first person thing was there mostly because it was a direct log entry from Kyousei Zeiro, the main character of the story. I'm much more of a fan of writing in the third person, though honestly there's not a whole lot of other ways you can write it! In any case, if it were an actual RPG, I'd play the heck out of it.
~RionZT
Polaris
Apr 13 2012, 07:23 PM
QUOTE (RionTarokai @ Apr 12 2012, 02:24 PM)
Thanks for the comment, glad it's interested you despite the fact you're not much of a fan of sci-fi stuff. The first person thing was there mostly because it was a direct log entry from Kyousei Zeiro, the main character of the story. I'm much more of a fan of writing in the third person, though honestly there's not a whole lot of other ways you can write it! In any case, if it were an actual RPG, I'd play the heck out of it.
~RionZT
QUOTE (RionTarokai @ Apr 12 2012, 01:24 PM)
Thanks for the comment, glad it's interested you despite the fact you're not much of a fan of sci-fi stuff. The first person thing was there mostly because it was a direct log entry from Kyousei Zeiro, the main character of the story. I'm much more of a fan of writing in the third person, though honestly there's not a whole lot of other ways you can write it! In any case, if it were an actual RPG, I'd play the heck out of it.
~RionZT
The only thing I noticed that seemed a little off was the 'sorry, I was getting off topic' part or something. It didn't feel off topic until I read that, it broke up the flow and it felt out of character from what you built up before.
The writing was superb and I could really feel like the writer was really the ruler of a planet. I'm not really into sci-fin . or futuristic writing but it captured my attention. You also had me at the thread title, when you said it started in third grade. What do you plan to do with this?
RionZT
Apr 15 2012, 08:05 PM
QUOTE (Polaris @ Apr 13 2012, 11:23 PM)
The only thing I noticed that seemed a little off was the 'sorry, I was getting off topic' part or something. It didn't feel off topic until I read that, it broke up the flow and it felt out of character from what you built up before.
Hm, yeah, I can see your point. To be perfectly honest, I was...for the most part...winging it. Essentially, I wrote down pretty much everything that came to me, unless it made no sense. I guess that part was the only exception, ehehe...
QUOTE (Polaris @ Apr 13 2012, 11:23 PM)
The writing was superb and I could really feel like the writer was really the ruler of a planet. I'm not really into sci-fin . or futuristic writing but it captured my attention. You also had me at the thread title, when you said it started in third grade. What do you plan to do with this?
Thanks! I really appreciate that. Feels good knowing that people like my writing despite not being really "into" the genre. As for what I plan to do with it?...Well...I have a couple ideas...Keep the prologue as the only journal log-type chapter, make every chapter a journal entry format, or, make some chapters a first-person journal entry from Kyousei, or even from other characters besides him as well. I kind of have an idea as of where I want it to go, and I have ideas of how certain events will play out, but I haven't yet had the time to put it all on paper, what with school and the fact I will be moving in the next couple weeks.
In any case, thanks for the criticism, I'll definitely keep that in mind for later chapters and stuff.
~RionZT
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