These 2 parts are rough drafts of my story for Red Souls.. and it looks like I've typed it up to sound more like a novel than an actual story plan.
PROLOGUE: -------------------- A happy union -------------------- On a warm sunny day, a dark knight named Yoshimuru was getting married to a woman named Nermia. Soon after they head home and find
that the city is under attack, so Yoshimuru leaves his wife alone at home while pursuing the attackers. The attacker was the Demon King, he
was continually summoning creatures, horrible terrifying creatures, Yoshimuru fought and fought until the Demon King came to him and
asked. "Who is the one most important to you?" Yoshimuru replied "My wife Nermia." The Demon King laughed and turned away, it had seemed like he had retreated, yet the creatures still
kept pouring forth. After a few minutes of fighting Yoshimuru noticed less and less creature were spawning, after he finished the last few
demons he went back to his wife's house and noticed the Demon King standing inside, Yoshimuru ran in and saw his wife being butchered by
the Demon Kings own hands. The sight was horrible and Yoshimuru went into a blind rage and rushed towards the Demon King. "You
asshole..! You murdered my wife, I WILL KILL YOU!!!" Yoshiumuru shouted. The Demon King laughed and raised his hand pointing at
Yoshimuru, "You think you can kill me? Think again" The Demon King shot a dark bolt out of his fingertips and hit Yoshimuru in the chest.
Yoshimuru's sword clattered on the floor wooden floor. "Urgh...what..did..you do to..me..?!" shouted Yoshimuru. Yoshimuru feinted with the
Demon King's face as the last thing he saw. The Demon King disapeared in a mist of darkness, most of the village was destroyed that day.
CHAPTER ONE: -------------------- Lost Memories -------------------- Three days later Yoshimuru woke up in the castle's infirmary, he looked around, "Where am I?" "Urgh.." Yoshimuru fell back in pain, his
chest was severely bruised and he had seemed to have forgot about his wife. The nurse said to Yoshimuru "Just lay down, you shouldn't be
moving in your condition, you've been out cold for three days." Yoshimuru did as he was told and laid down on the bed. Yoshimuru asked the nurse what had happened for him to be there "The village was attacked, and we found you lying in your house, we thought you were dead."
"Oh.. and..." The nurse paused with a sad look on her face. "And what?" asked Yoshimuru. The nurse replied "It's nothing..."
The next day Yoshimuru's bruises went from severe to minor and he seemed strong enough to walk around. Yoshimuru stood up and went
outside. It was another warm sunny day, as the village usually was. Yoshimuru was sitting on a rock outside the castle, which was surprisingly
comfortable and peaceful gazing out towards the mountains. The same nurse Yoshimuru saw yesterday came outside looking for him. "Ah
there you are. The king wishes to speak with you. Yoshimuru looked surprised and responded "Why would he want to see me?" the nurse
shook her head and shrugged.
On the way to the king, Yoshimuru was thinking of why the he was want to see him, did he do something wrong? Yoshimuru entered the
throne room "Ah Yoshimuru.. It's good to see you're well again" The King said to Yoshimuru happily. "This surprises you?" Yoshimuru
replied. The King shook his head "Well I was a bit worried, considering the condition you were in, but I know it's hard to keep you down,
you're one of our best men" The King laughed. "Come, join me." Yoshimuru sat down at the table in front of a large roast chicken, and one
of the servants laid down some cutlery and a goblet of wine. "Yoshimuru.. has anyone told you about what happened 4 days ago?" The King
said with a worried look on his face. "I was told the village was attacked, nothing more. Why are you so worried?" Yoshimuru replied. The
King said "..." "I think the time will come when you will find out." for a moment it was silent. "You seem to have lost your memory. Do you
remember anything that happened that day?" asked the King asked. "Actually I don't.." Yoshimuru said with a sad expression. The King
looked at him in empathy.
Apr 2 2011, 10:50 AM
Overall it seems quite cliché. Village under attack by a demon king who spawns demons, knight helps fend off the village, demon king kills a loved one, knight gets angry, knocked out, wakes up, has no memory.
Yoshimuru's dialogue was... iffy. I'm pretty sure the use of the word "asshole" as a vulgar insult didn't even appear until the 1900s. Also, I've found a lot of spelling errors, but I guess that's because it's just a rough draft. But the one that would confuse people the most would be "Yoshimuru feinted with the..."
Feint noun : a mock blow or attack on or toward one part in order to distract attention from the point one really intends to attack
I'm sure you meant fainted.
Also I was sort of confused about why you typed 2 and a half or 3 and a half lines of words before skipping a line to do the next. Confused me, but I guess it's just your style of doing things.
Apr 2 2011, 01:10 PM
Hasn't been proof-read sorry xD People have been pointing out a lot of errors in it on irc. I'll fix it up
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