I was very hesistant to post this for quite a few reasons. 1 - Most of this isn't complete, 2 - I'm skeptical that I'll get anything useful out of posting this anyway, 3 - plagarism.

Everything here is a work in progress and although it doesn't look like much, ALL of these characters have gone through several revisions, some not even resembling the original incarnation I wrote for them. The world itself changed quite a few times. It was originally based in a sci-fi world, then fantasy, and finally a steampunk world. However, even this setting went thru many rewrites before it finally became what it is now. I am not yet prepared to post what I have on the world, but I hope to be soon. I haven't even begun to look into some of the minor characters, although I do have floating ideas about what they're going to look/behave like. I'm posting them anyway because this should be the final cast list anyway and I wanted to give you an idea of what sort of story this game is.

It's been very difficult getting these characters into their current form and even more so to iron out the minor details that you will, no doubt, notice are absent. Please forgive these oversights in your critique (should you choose to leave one), I will correct them as soon as I can.

The reason I am displaying my work now is because I believe I have reached what will likely be the final incarnations of these characters. I'd very much appreciate any and all C&C and I don't mind anyone being negative about their post as long as they're specific about what it is they disapprove of. Positive comments are always appreciated, but aren't useful if you're not detailed about what it is you like so much.

And now, without further stalling...


My Guardian Angel - Profile Excerpts.

HUMANS

Tia Selving
Age – 15 yrs.
Occupation – Scholar
Physical description – Tia is a lovely young lady with long, brown hair and green eyes, she stands at 5'2" and weighs... well, she won't say, but it can't be much. She often wears a thigh-length frilled skirt with a matching long sleeve coat. Unlike most girls, Tia wears boots regularly and always keeps the feather Izzy gave her tied in her hair. Tia's sweet, soft voice makes it easy for her to talk to new people even if her personality does not.
Personality – Although an intelligent and driven young lady, Tia is very cautious amongst new company. Her trust is not easily earned, but those that do find that it can easily waver from time to time without provocation. Tia is terrified of facing her impending death and though it overwhelms her on occasion, each episode becomes less frequent but more severe. On her better days Tia is a sweet and charming young lady who spends her free time with her 5 year old niece, Misty. On her worst days, she is withdrawn, volatile, and spiteful.
Background – (omitted)


Jonathan Selving
Age – 28 yrs.
Occupation – Engineer


Misty Selving
Age – 5 yrs.



ANGELS

“Izzy” Azrael – Angel of Death
Rank – Seraph
Physical Description – Izzy has long, bright-red hair that just barely reaches his waistline. However, his eyes are his most recognizable feature, having no pigment. His small stature (5'1”) and youthful appearance occasionally cause people to confuse him for a young girl, much to his dismay and Tia's amusement. His voice does nothing to remedy this. Izzy's appearance "suggests" his age to be in the early teens.
Izzy's attire is simple: heel-length trousers and a sleeveless shirt. He never wears shoes of any sort. The large rustic collar on his neck and the shackles on his wrists are only a physical representation of the punishment he endures for sins committed in his past. Izzy's giant scythe, the “Grim Reaper”, is a weapon with a bloodstained history that belies the nature of it's owner.
Personality – Known to be immediately transfixed on anything that catches his eye (not that he can actually see), flamboyantly eccentric, highly energetic, and easily frightened, Izzy is an anomaly. His innocent, child-like personality charms most people and infuriates others, often provoking bouts of violence from Kael which amuse Tia to no end. Although Izzy is accident prone, his being blind has nothing to do with this.
His one redeeming feature is his pure-heart. Temptation and vileness seem to escape Izzy entirely, a testament to his endearing innocence. This does, however, beg the question, "Exactly what sin did he commit to be robbed of his sight and status as a Seraph?"
Although they are identical facially, Izzy and his brother, Kael, share almost no personality traits.
Background – (omitted)


Nemesis – Angel of Vengeance
Rank – Arch Angel
Physical Description – Standing at 6'1” Nemesis' flowing blond hair and seething gray eyes make for an intimidating figure that most people respect or fear. Her voluptuous physique and beautiful, sharp featured face are merely one of many reasons why she is worshiped as a Goddess in Eltherion.
Nemesis' breast plate only covers the torso and shoulders, but gives her total use of her arms, legs, and wings. Preferring mobility to protection, Nemesis only wears bracers and braced boots for added armor. Her headpiece is more of a circlet than practical headgear, framing her crown and face. Nemesis' sword, “Ragnarök”, is much like Nemesis herself, beautiful but extremely deadly. Her voice can be described as a breathy hiss.
Personality – The irascible, egocentric ice-queen who detests Tia and adores Azrael, something accentuated by her refusal to call him by the “pet” name Tia gave him, Nemesis' arrogance stems from her indisputable skills as a warrior and a commander of Heaven's armies, a source of tremendous pride. Her irrepressible anger is believed to stem from an experience in her early life that, consequently, shaped the person she became and is directly tied to relationship with Azrael.
The only time she shows that she's capable of feelings other than vanity and rage is when she is alone with Azrael. During these times, the hurricane of fury than Nemesis usually is becomes a vision of peaceful tranquility. According to Azrael, she is playful, affectionate, she giggles and laughs, and will, occasionally sing to him. Azrael's word is the only proof of this and many have no faith in his word.
Background – (omitted)


Metatron – Voice of God
Rank – Seraph
Physical Description – (INCOMPLETE)
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)


Athba Kol – Heaven's Shield
Rank – Seraph
Physical Description – With warm blue hair falling almost ankle length and eyes to match, Athba Kol is a living monument to serenity. Athba Kol's silken gown and delicate 5'6” figure make her appear especially weak and frail, a mistake in judgment that has cost legions of demons their lives. Her warm, inviting smile and wispy voice can melt the hardest of hearts.
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)

FALLEN ANGELS

Kael – Fallen Angel of Death
Title – Lord
Physical Description – Far taller than his brother, standing at a solidly built 6'3”, Kael looks exactly like Azrael except that Kael's hair is black and shoulder length and his eyes are a deep, glowing red. Kael wears the lavishly decorated robe that marks him as the Fallen Angel of Death. His scythe, “Angel Flayer”, is the antithesis to Azraels' “Grim Reaper”.
Personality – Kael is calculating and cool headed in any situation. Although their personalities are stellar opposites, they do share the same virtues. Kael has embraced his demonic side, although it does not appear to have affected his personality. He plays on the assumptions and predispositions of others to hide his own ambitions. None doubt that he can be trusted to keep his word, but they often take it with a grain of salt.
Background – (omitted)


Lucius – King of Hell / Fallen Angel of Light
Title – King
Physical Description – (INCOMPLETE)
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)


Amon – Fallen Angel of Chaos
Title – Lord
Physical Description – (INCOMPLETE)
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)


Lilith – Fallen Angel of Torment
Title – Lady
Physical Description – (INCOMPLETE)
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)


Asmodeus – Lord of the Flies
Title – Emperor
Physical Description – (INCOMPLETE)
Personality – (INCOMPLETE)
Background – (INCOMPLETE)


***I have a few more characters I'd like to add (and haven't), and I hope to do so soon***

I'm a little confused about what all the titles mean or how the party is setup. Are those all the main characters and are they on the same side? Also why is Tia's death impending? I'd love to hear some backstory on the world in general because right now I can't really make sense of what's going on xD. I also can't really comment of the Physical Description because I'm not very good at Imaginative interpretation .

On a one by one basis I think I pretty much like all the characters. Tia sounds interesting even if I don't understand what her inner struggle is about. It sounds like you could have a lot of fun interaction with her on a day to day basis as the rest of the party never knows what to expect. I like the duality of her personality which will keep the player interested in which way she'll go.

Izzy's probably my favourite character, I love the eccentric types that add so much unintentional humour. The fact that he may hide a darker side is all the better and he sounds like a well balanced character. Nicely flawed and a deep personality which can develope in many different directions.

Nemesis is hard for me to comment on because I just got lost here. She leads heaven's armies? This is where I got confused as to how the game works. Is she going to be in the main party or just an influential standby character? If she is in the party, she's probably going to have to have a very strong motivation because I'm getting a vibe that she doesn't like the others much and would rather have lackies do the work. She has the capacity for good developement though, I think it'll make good interaction if she starts to learn that not everyone will bend to her every whim. the soft side for eccentric is a nice touch too.

Finally Kael, He sounds great. The idea that he messes with other people's heads is awsome combined with the fact that it may not always be for the good of the party. So, in the end, he's powerful personality and calculative mind is nicely tempered.

The only thing I have to say is that I don't really see a Main Character for the player. They all seem to lack the necessary leadership qualities or sanity to want the player to interact with the world through them. Don't get me wrong, I love them as characters but I'm not sure there's a Main Character here. Tia's sounds a little too volatile for people to follow, Izzy's sounds a bit too clueless, Nemesis seems a bit psychotic...I guess Kael is a possibility but I'm not sure the others would want to follow him if he's working for his own agenda. Of course I don't know the story or how the game will play out but I just though I'd mention it. It might be something to think about.

Call me biased, but I've grown distasteful of the Angel/Demon/Dragon set-ups that are a playground for Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

I wish I could say this seems any far less removed from that, but it doesn't. The characters seem so unrealistic. I can't quite lay my finger on it, but it's like the difference between a fanfic and a professional story. The fanfic is usually full of these characters and scenarios that're a personal preference and exaggerated and forced. The professional story has realistic characters, and the elements involved really deal with the characters having to cope with their reality instead of reality being formed around them.

It'd do you well to research a little bit of Olde Judeo-Christian mythology, like who Lilith really is and the exploits of King Solomon, the different levels of hell, and the Presidents, Dukes, and Generals of Hell and the orders of the Angels. It could give you more direction than "Angels are powerful and Demons carry pitch forks and poke people with them."

Here's where I get sort of turned off. The female angel is schizophrenic around Azrael. The seemingly bad-ass Fallen Angel of Death gets agitated cause his brother acts like a child. Apparently the Angel that acts like a child murdered baby Jesus or some crazy sin. The guy was a former Seraph but acts like a child. It all sounds more like some kid's anime club in highschool, not the Court of God. And this Tia girl is afraid she's going to die? That could use more addressing.

Perhaps it's simply a matter of taste. Either way though that's my criticism. Also does Metatron's brother Voltron make an appearance?

Titanhex - I know much more about angelic mythology than you have given me credit for. Obviously, because there are only three ranks of angels and not the usual 9 (or 12... sometimes 4, depending on whom you ask) it should be very clear to anyone who knows these things that I've altered the mythology significantly (the purpose should be obvious, but seeing as how you're being a total ass, I'm not going to wager that you'd admit this). And Izzy is still a seraph.

The mythology as a whole is only based on the mythology and not directly taken from it. You might have been able to guess this if you had noticed that the King of Hell was named Lucius and not Lucifer or Satan (depending on which you prefer). I know who Lilith is and why the Lilith Fair is named for her, but she's still listed as a fallen angel and the version I wrote for her isn't so indistinguishable. If you want to post again, assume that I have already researched everything one might want to know about each of these angels, because I have. Writing a story based on the literal interpretation of these angels would be boring, which is why I didn't do it. After all, mythology is pretty clear that angels are single-minded in their pursuits, which is why they cannot be forgiven for sins.

If I had known I'd get such a asinine reply for this, I wouldn't have bothered putting this up. I hope you think before you speak the next time you criticize someones work. I was looking for useful feedback, not biased bashing.


Knot -
1) The game itself takes place over the course of 7 days. Which is coincidentally, how long Tia has to live. It wouldn't be fun or interesting if she fell over on day 4, mid-way thru the game. I would like to post that information as soon as possible, but between having little creativity flowing into the project (I am also working on two other projects... more if you count ones that are currently shelved due to time constraints), so if I can manage to get a lot of that done within the next few weeks, I'll be reposting these profiles in the "Games Under Development" section along with their backgrounds and the backstory.

2) I've never rewritten a character more times than I have rewritten Izzy. He's also the oldest character I've written (I've been re-imagining him for over 10 years) and he's in this game for a variety of reasons, none of which have any relevance on the game. He originally resembled Kael both physically and characteristically. That may be one of the reasons I created Kael, but I don't remember. Still, I like him the best too. But as I have yet to refine his background properly (or any of the other characters except perhaps Tia) I'm still going to omitt those sections for now.

3) About Nemesis "taken from -www.pantheon.org-"
And I quote: In Greek mythology, Nemesis is the goddess of divine justice and vengeance. Her anger is directed toward human transgression of the natural, right order of things and of the arrogance causing it. Nemesis pursues the insolent and the wicked with inflexible vengeance. Her cult probably originated from Smyrna. She is regarded as the daughter of Oceanus or Zeus, but according to Hesiod she is a child of Erebus and Nyx.
She is portrayed as serious looking woman with in her left hand a whip, a rein, a sword, or a pair of scales. In the Hellenistic period she was portrayed with a steering wheel. Also called Rhamnusia, from a temple and statue of her in Rhamnus, a village in the northern part of Attica. The epithet Adrasteia "she whom none can escape", properly of the those of the Phrygian Cybele, was later applied to her.

However, I began writing her character after I saw a picture of an angel statue that read "Nemesis - Angel of Vengeance". I thought the idea was very interesting and as I had never heard of a character like that, I decided to write one. Her physical appearance and personality are based on someone I knew.

4) Kael has been difficult to incorporate into the story, but during the times when I tried writing him out, the story seemed to suffer for it. He may be more pivotal than I can currently anticipate, but as for right now, he's definitely a sub-character.

5) Tia is the only playable character of THIS game. Knowing their background would help flesh out the whole of their characters, but I'm not satisfied with the details just yet, so I don't want to post them. If everything goes well,

Trust me, my review isn't nearly as scathing as some critics. If you're going to put up a story, don't expect everyone to clap their hands and say good job, as you so apparently seem to be seeking now.

I feel that you emphasizing my critique of your use of mythology misses the mark on what I was truly trying to illustrate.

It's fine if you want to base a legend off of some ancient mythology and use elements from it. It's cool if you want to adapt it to your story. I just have a problem with what you're doing because you take all the knowledge of these you've gathered and then throw it out the window. It feels more like you've came across these names and stories and then just decided to make up some story around them when a story is already in place by these characters, thus distorting the mythology completely. I see it done frequently by novices trying to use Norse mythology. They just use what's been told by Square-Enix and reproduce it with their spin. They use a bastardized fifth generation mythology that feels unoriginal.

And unfortunately that is what this feels like, a bastardized fifth generation mythology. I'm sure that's not what you're trying to do or how you came up with it, but I'm saying what it comes across as to me. Same names, similar concepts, but totally unlikely bios that make you wonder "Who the hell is running the show in Heaven?!"

Which brings me to the MAIN point I wanted to address, and that you seemed to have overlooked in replying. As though it wasn't the main thing you came here for and I posted about. I was telling you how I saw the bios and how they came across for me. Your characters indeed make you wonder what incompetent and naive God lets these angels have power with their personalities being what they are.

They seem to lack total self-control and discipline. Izzy seems naive and child-like yet he's given a seraph status and then commits a sin some-how and is given the responsibility of Grim Reaper after being punished. The fallen Angel Kael is suppose to be a bad-ass but he probably blows his fuse cause of his brother. Nemesis is vain and cold and vengeful yet Izzy turns her into a giggling school-girl.

Jesus if that doesn't all feel forced. Which is primarily what I was trying to emphasize. Your characters personalities are all forced. They seem very disconnected from real people. It breaks down rapport with a story when this happens.

Also everyone seems to have extremely long girls hair. Vary it up some.

1) That just about sums it up. Everything I read in your original post sounded biased too, so where was I misinterpreting?

2) I was very clear that the files were unfinished.

3) I've read more than enough info on angels to know a game that featured a angel system taken directly from the "real" versions would overpower and limit what you could do with the story. If you wanted to make a game about the angels themselves then that'd be different... But seeing as how most people don't know or care for the intricate details, I fail to see how doing this anyway is important.

4) Final Fantasy only uses very loosely based references. Example. Shiva is a male hindu god, not a god of frost/cold/snow/ice/etc.

5) If you had been as detailed in your first post as you were in your second I wouldn't be needing to explain this to you. Your first post was just asinine. You saw a story you didn't like because of a predisposition towards that type of preference, took the opportunity to bash it, but didn't say anything useful, and NOW you want to act as though you were "just trying to be helpful"?

I'm a lot of things, most of them... not good... but stupid isn't one of them.

Perhaps not stupid, but incapable of taking criticism certainly seems to be on the list.

Unfortunately as a writer you'll likely never grow. I'm done trying to assist you. You've wasted both our times.

Yeah, I'd say so. Pisses me off that you're trying to downplay the fact that you were just berating my work because you don't like this sort of thing.

Welcome to critisicm and critique Nommy - some people aren't going to like your ideas and concepts, so you need to be prepared to accept their views and opinions, take them with a grain of salt, and gracefully move on.
You can't please everyone.

That being said. Generally I like the idea, i'm not usually big on the Angel / Demon stories either, I guess mainly because they've been overdone in large mainstream media - but that's not suggesting that I wouldn't play your game if you get it to the construction stage.

As for everyone having long hair - is that part of the time/era?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't see anything in your original post that told us that you've taken the 'true' mythology and contructed your own story around it, but not completely based on it.

1) I know. I often remind myself of Vince Russo who, arguably, single-handedly sank a multi-million dollar company.

2)Yes, I don't like all the long hair thing either. Most of these characters physical descriptions are based on images I've collected as a reference source, since I can't draw worth a sh*t.

3) I'm not sure what that last sentence means, but yes, they're based on the mythology. Not entirely, or even mostly.

Dude, Titanhex read over everything you have so far and gave you honest feedback, and you just tossed it aside! Look past the parts of his feedback that are insulting. Being that his comments weren't directed at me, it was easy not to feel insulted, but also easy to see that he has some genuine feedback that could improve your ideas. Rather than get angry or upset, look past what could be considered his insults and try to see his constructive criticism, as hard as that may be sometimes.

Anyway, here are some comments of my own:

Tia seems wishywashy. She is developed, sure, but in a strange way. You make her sound like a trashy schoolgirl in describing her outfit and her personality towards others. Also, she is a 15 year old scholar. I think a scholar should be like an historian, or someone with a great deal of knowledge about something, someone who at least must be older than 15. Heck, when I was 15, I was pimple covered and rebellious.

Azrael sounds like a wacky character, but in a good way. There are a lot of details. That's good. The hard part will be conveying all of these things about Az throughout the game, should you decide to continue making it. A character with personality is a challenge, but actually getting that personality of a character across in-game is a whole other challenge. Just letting you know. Usually, the longer a game is, with more dialogue sprinkled throughout, makes for the best portrayal of complex characters such as this one.

Ragnarok is a sword only in Final Fantasy. In Norse mythology, it is more like the rapture. I'm not sure if Ragnarok appears anywhere else, and you can use it as a sword if you wish, but I will always think of FF when I hear about a sword called Ragnarok. FF has these same kinds of item borrowing problems- the Excalibur sword, popular in FF games, always makes me think of King Arthur.

That's my feedback. I think what you have so far is good. Please don't completely ignore my feedback, because you know how you put effort into developing these characters and writing about them for us? Well, I also put effort into developing my feedback for you. So, please take what I've said and perhaps make a few additions or changes if you think that will improve things.

Yes, I did. Because he was overanalyzing. Rather than reading into ONLY what was there, he made his own interpretation (which is fine, and expected) of these characters. Where it gets bad is when he starts filling in the gaps (which were there on purpose) with his own idea of what would most likely be there. In short, he assumed things about the characters that I had not addressed. I know this because as I was reading his post I kept thinking, "Where the hell did he read it that way?"



Yes, I suck at coordinating clothes. as I said before, I use images I collect to get my idea of what I want these characters to look like. When I find something that's good enough to hold on to as a place holder, that's when I go get help in getting this particular feature improved and refined. It's the same person I depend on for RL advice of the same subject. Seriously... I suck with clothes. Don't read too much into it. It's all a work in progress, but these are the versions that made the "final cut" so to speak. I've scrapped dozens of ideas for games and features/story/characters, for this game alone because I didn't like the way they were shaping up. That's no exaggeration. I'm not satisfied with these, but I am happy with them.

Also, -
schol·ar
NOUN:
A learned person.
A specialist in a given branch of knowledge: a classical scholar.
One who attends school or studies with a teacher; a student.
A student who holds or has held a particular scholarship

All these apply to Tia. It's explained in her back-ground, which I took out because I don't believe they're ready to be posted. But in case you're wondering, yes, it is relevant to her story/personality/and the story of the game itself. It's not something I made up just to be able to say what she does.



Yes it is. I'm still ironing out all those details, but I'm confidant I can figure it out. I've recently come across something that has made me rethink the cutscene aspect of game development. More specifically, it's made me think that there may be a way to keep from having to stop gameplay to have a cutscene. This would help tremendously and while not every aspect of a story is meant to be told this way, I like the way this game plays out because of the pace. Finding a way to incorporate this feature, should I accomplish finishing it, might just help others make their games flow better.



I know. I have researched many mythologies in the course of writing this game, as well as a few others. I've always been very fascinated with mythology and often read up on it for entertainments sake. The name of her sword is more than just a fleeting reference.



I don't intend to. Like LG's feedback, I'm copying it into a text file for later reference. Hopefully, there'll be more later.