Need character review and more Options

[ashtoban]

I need some advice for a project I'm working on. My friend told me it need some help, so here we go...
My main character Lucy is an normal girl and she is friends with a Rabbit/Human named Shelia. They live in a small town and they decided to go explore in the woods because they hear of a world fliied with faires. Here they meet a runaway named Selena. Selena says she ran away with her friend Dalsa. They both are being hunted by their own kind for reasons unknown. The hunters are Saku and Vas . Lucy agrees to hide them in her family estate, but the night after Lucy started having strange dreams... In Lucy's dream, she meets four strange girls Aqua, Ember, Ivy, and Zephyr. Then a fifth woman appeared then asked Lucy, Does these girls look like you and then disappeared. The second night after, Lucy saw the woman again, this time she proposed something. She asked "Lucy. I know you are hiding those 2 tratiors, and I can make you burn were you sleep, but there's a deal I need to make with you..." Those two girls need to be punished and I need the punisher." I could easily do it myself, but I need some entertainment

[Show/Hide] Real Reason why the Mysterious Woman want's Selena, and Dalsa dead.

Dalsa and Selena are the mysterious woman's daughters and she dosen't want to carry the shame of a traitor's parent.

. I need you to kill those vile scum, Lucy. Lucy said" why should I do your dirty work!" The woman said to Lucy "You know they won't kill those two, they'll just throw them in prison, but I need you to get rid of them so they won't have any chance to escape again." Lucy" the woman said again. Lucy I can make your innate power become a reality." Lucy stated she wouldn't take a cliche deal like that, So the Woman showed Lucy her true form as an Higher, but Lucy didn't want any of that stuff, she just wanted to be normal. This angered the Woman, so she took Lucy and split her soul in four. (Those four girls from before represent Lucy's inner feelings.) More coming later when I think about it...

This post has been edited by ashtoban: Oct 4 2012, 04:17 PM

Attached File(s)

 Seala.png ( 8.01K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Vas.png ( 6.39K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Saku.png ( 7.84K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Dalsa.png ( 7.81K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Aqua_Female.png ( 9.25K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Zephyr.png ( 8.3K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Ivy.png ( 7.07K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Lucy.png ( 9.01K ) Number of downloads: 2
 EmberHumanfemale.png ( 7.18K ) Number of downloads: 2
 Shielia.png ( 7.68K ) Number of downloads: 2

 

[GalzaRPG]

I honestly think this is a bit too vague to actually give pointers on.. but I think your characters need far more thought behind them. I don't want want to play devils advocate and tell you to rip out this and change that etc etc.. but I can leave you questions to answer if you're up to it.

Selena and Dalsa in particular. Are they the bad guys in this project? Should we feel sorry for them? What did they do that was so awful that they were called traitors.. and really, what is it to this woman if they live or die besides "pride"? That seems kind of weak. She needs a stronger reason than that.. a burning hatred would do it. I don't know if making her their mother works or not, personally. Yeah it's "edgy".. but to me it comes off as hateful.. it would be better if she was some kind of outside party.. an overseer of some kind. Realistically, mothers don't want to kill their children.. even if they're clinically insane and riddled with madness.. in their little world, no matter how twisted it is, even if that means putting draino in their cereal every morning.. I don't think that works well.. BUT that's a matter of opinion of course.. Moving on, why is Lucy so important to "the plan"? Why doesn't mother ask the Bunny Girl to do it instead? Why can't she just do it herself? Is she just "lazy" and can't be bothered? Is she in a position of power where she can't be seen killing little girls? What is a "Higher"? Why the need to disguise her true form besides "its cool"? Why is Lucy's Soul split in 4? How does that help evil mother like.. at all? IAre the 4 more obedient? Does that mean that Lucy stops being Lucy and the Bunny Girl is our Heroine? What does the Bunny Girl give to the story that's significant other than the tolken best friend role? Generally speaking, if you want a solid story, having dead weight characters along for the ride isn't ideal.. even for comedy relief, you need to justify them being around. A good story is like a train ride.. everyone needs to purchase their ticket. You could easily write out Bunny, the 2 hunters and still have the same story.

If you can think of answers to these questions, then you're one step closer to ironing out a good story. I do not mean to be harsh, please keep that in mind.. I hope this helps.