Please review what ive got so far Options

[heartlessmushroo...]

This is the first 2 chapters of aperosnal science fiction adventure project im working on, specifically for a comic or webcomic. I wanted to ask your thoughts on therse:

CH1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18rVHBbd...dD9igh0zgk/edit

Ch2
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hX7I-ir...EGj3aOWpIA/edit

Be sure to tell me about as much as you can, characters, pacing, setting, style. I'd love some cconstructive criticism.
Thanks in advance.

[X-M-O]

I'm going to mark edits in {red text} for you. =]

I was able to do the first two paragraphs, but I don't have time to go through the entire thing.
Either way, I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for.


CHAPTER 1: Special Delivery

On a small and sunny street {Recommend changing this to say, "One sunny day on a small street", because streets are not sunny.} nearby the coast, smoke and scents of various foods filled the air. “The Fuma Octopus” , {This comma has an extra space before it.} a small , {This comma has a space before and not after; just switch that around.} off-shore restaurant, serving some of the finest seafood in all of Buzzed bay {Bay should be capitalised because it is a proper name.}. It got it’s {Need to use "its" without the apostrophe here, as "it's" does not show ownership and actually means "it is".} name from all the different species traveling there on different occasions for celebrations {Add a comma here.} due to its light laws on alcoholic beverages. {Need to capitalise the first word of the sentence.} the place served a number of customers, {This comma is unnecessary.} who had arrived early noon to start their lunch breaks. Not only were people eating there, but an assortment of different creatures of varied shapes and sizes {Add "were" here, and take out the hyphen in "as-well".} as-well; some of them having traveled light years just to enjoy the cuisine of this fantastic restaurant.

. {Not sure why there are many spaces and a period before this line, but it needs to be removed.} “Coming through! Coming through!” {Do not capitalise the word "said". This is a single sentence despite the quotes.} Said a slim young {The word "young" is unnecessary as you are describing the man as being in his late teens; it is understood that he is young.} man in his late teens, scuttling out from the kitchen while balancing two pans filled with dishes on both arms {Recommend removing the comma in this sentence and rewriting it like this: "...in his late teens as he was scuttling out of the kitchen and, using both arms, balancing two pans that were full of dishes".}. He approached {There are two spaces here.} a quadruped who was standing by its table, he leaned down and placed a whole broiled crab on the creature’s plate {Recommend changing this sentence slightly: "...by its table, and leaned down to place a whole broiled crab onto the creature's plate".}. The creature 's {No space is needed between the apostrophe and the word "creature".} head was triangular with octopus like {Should be: "octopus-like".} eyes {Extra space here that needs to be removed.} exerting horizontaly from the sides of its head {Add comma here.} like a pair of bumpy horns.