ESPER SKIES Plot Development, Questions on Quaility of Plot and Assistance Options

[oshakashama]

 Esper_Skies_Story_Ideas.txt ( 32.07K ) Number of downloads: 2
Hi, my name is Hiraku. I'm currently in development of a game called Esper Skies and I need a bit of help with the plot. I have quite a bit done but it seems a little slow and dragged out. I'm looking for assistance on how to make it seem less dragged out and more like a professional JRPG. Although, any suggestions you have (story changes, character introductions, etc.) are welcome as well. I want to warn you though that there is a LOT of detail to handle, as the story in the attached txt file is quite detailed already and important things to take hold of below have some detail. I thank all of those who help in advance.

Before I begin I'll give you a basic of the plot line (further explained in the attached txt file):
The story opens with Vihana Borealis, a young girl from the slums of Nazara, attempting to retrieve her mother's necklace from a local gang. During her assault, a childhood friends appears and helps her, but requests she helps him in return. This request drags the two into a fight on the verge of becoming a war, and as the discover the hidden cause behind the fight things become a global affair and the entire world becomes at stake.

In summary, it sounds somewhat like a typical JRPG, and it is but the game is intended to draw influence from a variety of other genres while keeping the Turn-Based JRPG feel. But this thread isn't about gameplay, so let's move onto the real subject. And here is your warming:

SPOILERS FOR AN UPCOMING GAME AHEAD

I have been working on the plot for the past month and have gotten maybe about 75% finished. There are several problems in terms of plot though:

• The story seems dragged out and many important plot points seem to be introduced later that they should be.
  
• There are large gap between playable character introductions, so much so that you don't encounter the last playable character until right before the last two dungeons in the game.
  
• The largest twist in the game, which I feel should be introduced maybe halfway through the game and make the story a global affair, does not occur until what feels like the very end of the game. While this can be acceptable, it feels like it should be done before the final dungeons.

There will be about 7 playable characters with others that will be optional, but each of these 7 characters play an important role in the story, so much that they are what the game's 7 themes draw from.

1. Vihana - Love: Throughout the game she has a developing relationship with Desolo, eventually resulting in true love. Also, she finds that the love for her friends, as well as their love for her, gives her the strength to overcome any obstacle.
   
2. Desolo - Hate: Before the game, when Desolo was a child, he hated adults for not believing him because he was young and naive. While he grew out of this hate after meeting Vihana's mother, it lingered with him and a similar hatred is brought out throughout the game and eventually leads to a life changing decision.
   
3. Sven - Family: A sheltered child when younger, Sven's family was more a profession than anything since his dad is the General of the Nazara guard. As he progresses through the game, he finds that his new friends have become his family and he looks after them as so, going so far as to consider Sakia a little sister or daughter.
   
4. Sakia - Loss: Sakia is caught in the attack on Nazara toward the beginning of the game. The attack killed her aunt and uncle, and unbeknownst to her, she would lose her family and friends later in the game. Unlike a typical child, or even adult for that matter, she does not wish to take revenge, but rather continue traveling with Vihana and the party to make sure no one else feels the pain that she has.
   
5. Lloyd - Revenge: Lloyd's whole purpose for joining the group is to exact his revenge on the Archadian Empire. But over time, especially with Sakia's revelation, he gives up on a violent revenge and resolves to make the world a better place.
   
6. Kurren - Truth: When the acts of a cult begin to threaten the world, Kurren wants the world to know, even if they don't believe him at first. He feels that being left in the dark is not something that should be done, even if the truth can hurt someone. This includes Sakia being kept in the dark about her aunt and uncle.
   
7. Kaelin - Betrayal: After seeing the actions of the rest of the party, and how his country is doing more harm than good, he quits being an Archadian soldier to join the main cast in stopping the dark threat ahead of them.

The biggest plot points that I'd like to keep are as follows:

• The opening scene is Vihana attacking the local gang to retrieve her mother's necklace. The gang stole it after raiding her house and killing her mother. Despite the anger she feels, she does not kill any of them, which is part of the reason she runs into trouble and Desolo has to step in and help her. While the gang was defeated and Vihana finds the necklace, the gang had been hiding a weapon, or a monster to be precise, and it has escaped its cage. Vihana and Desolo defeat this creature before it can even reach the streets of Nazara.
• Toward the beginning of the game, the Archadian Empire attacks Nazara and Lydia, a childhood friend of Vihana and Desolo, is kidnapped because she can naturally use magic, unlike the rest of the world which has to draw power from Espastone. This starts one of two main quests the player must go on, but must request leave of the city and Sven must prove his strength to his father before officially being allowed to leave the city.
  
• Kurren is introduced in his hometown of Apol, where the party believes him to be the great Sage of Apol even though it is never stated either way until Kurren mentions it himself. From here the party must meet with the true Sage of Apol for guidance when dealing with the cult of Erebus.
  
• Erebus, a dark cult worshiping a forgotten dark deity, is planning to use Lydia to draw the power of Mallus, an imprisoned god, so they can rule the world, but little do they know their plans would be foiled in more ways than one.
  
• The biggest twist in the game. Throughout the game, Desolo and Vihana develop a close relationship, virtually being true love. But the hatred building up inside Desolo causes him to take hold of the dark power himself, corrupting him to the point where he builds his power to a point where he can destroy the world. After he basically turns the world into ruin, he comes to his senses and realizes the only way to stop this dark power is to hold it back. He tells the party to kill him before he loses control and completely destroys everything, as his death would also mean the death of the dark god, Mallus.

[Jens of Zanicuud]

I have to say that there are many good ideas in what you wrote, but even something to care about.
I've downloaded the .txt just now, I'll read it carefully next week, after having solvied my University issues.

Anyway, let me ask some questions / make some comment:

1. the stolen necklace idea is just good, in my opinion. It's a convincing beginning which throw the player in the middle of the action;
2. I'm really sorry, but the idea of the girl using magic without Espastones kidnapped by an empire reminded me Final Fantasy 6 in primis; you should really work hard on that point to detach your project from the Squaresoft game. Study well Terra's features in FF6 - FF Dissidia - FF Dissidia 012 (final fantasy wikia) and use them in order to differentiate Lydia as much as possible from her. I suppose you where tributing FF6 (your title is clear enough on this purpose) but if I'm not correct, just reply; I know the premises are different, but those two characters could be seen as similar...
3. Archadian Empire... where have I heard it before? Has it something to do with FF XII? If this isn't a willing tribute, I really suggest you modify that name;
4. Espastones reminded me Magicite from FF6... but the origin is completely different, as well as mithology. In your project these are stones full of the magic which was sealed by Nagigaka and not the remaining power of dead Espers;
5. I really like the settings. Honestly, when I read your topic, I imagined the world as a classic FF world... but now, everything is different! It looks like a more interesting Gundam / Armored Core / Front Mission world with magic carved in Sniper rifles, aerial weapons, mutant creatures! This is exciting! Are you going to use medieval-punk environment or use a more Midgarish (FF 7) setting?

I'll add more when I'll finish reading your file.

Jens

This post has been edited by Jens of Zanicuud: Sep 21 2012, 05:02 AM