Group: Local Mod
Posts: 1,250
Type: Event Designer
RM Skill: Masterful
Rev Points: 90
So, first off, not sure if I can actually post this here, but I didn't see anything saying otherwise. This is an incomplete novel of Blessed Eternia which is the same world, but not same story as my current game project of the same name. I am kind of at a loss of how to continue, so I'm hoping you can all give some feedback that might kick start my brain.
I'm uploading a link as this is over 100 pages in Microsoft Word. Now I realize not everyone has office or Word, so I'm also posting a version of it in Open Office, I hope you can read one of those two, if another format is needed, let me know and I'll upload. Anyways a bit of history on the story:
Long ago, a massive war raged between the two great kingdoms; Kulmore in the north, lead by Chiran, and Culhearth in the south lead by Camalain and his wife. The war raged for many hundreds of years with no clear victor, that is, until Chiran got a hold of the fabled crystal Blessed Eternia, which is thought to be responsible for all the magic in the world.
This sudden shift in power caused Kulmore to quickly take over many key locations including the mortal and neutral Borderlands. This brought a group of heroes called the Mortal revolutionary army to the fray, using the intense willpower and tactics, the Mortal Revolutionary Army pushed Kulmore back into the captial city of Shaddowval(), and a small band of heroes confronted Chiran himself.
During the resulting fight a massive explosion rocked Kulmore and a purple miasma coated the land, causing poison for anyone possessing magic. It is unknown what happened to those heroes or Chiran, but they have not been seen since. That was twenty-two years ago, and the small and peaceful village of Sendon is about to experience a devastating repeat of history.
I hope that was enough to entice you all to give this a try!
Group: Local Mod
Posts: 1,250
Type: Event Designer
RM Skill: Masterful
Rev Points: 90
Well, I haven't gotten any feedback on this, really at all. I am thinking that perhaps it is just too long for people to try, so I'm going to post this in parts, and see how well that goes over. This first part is the prologue to the story, and it is a bit long, so I will be posting it inside a spoiler tag. Now, I realize the main problem I have with writing, is not always realizing when something makes sense in my head as I know everything, but does not make sense to the average reader who is not inclined to know such information. So, what I'm looking for is feedback on that mostly, does the story make sense? Are you able to visualize what I am explaining? Is there anything that is confusing?
That and just general writing critique feedback would be a great help to me.
Prologue
Prologue
The water dripped off of the wooden roof of the small wood cabin after the spring rains had subsided. Inside the hut a young blond woman tended to two small boys, twins by the look of them, and an infant girl whose hair was as blond as the sun’s rays. It was an image of peace, a small tranquil life hidden in the deep woods, a mother, her children and a comfortable life. Her name was Sarah and this was the sanctuary that was left behind by her fallen husband. They sat in the main room of the house, The mother was watching her children at play while her daughter lay in her arms resting. The boys were each in a corner of the room working on separate projects furiously. Shadows played through the room from the single candle near her seat, keeping the darkness of night at bay. A thick red rug covered the dirt ground and provided comfort and protection to the family. The smell of wet pine trees drifted in through the slightly opened window and gave a pleasant aroma to join the logs burning in the fireplace on the northern wall. The mother sat on a small red sofa along the eastern wall near the windows while holding her infant daughter. One of the boys ran up to his mother, his hair a dirty blond and swept upwards causing it to spike wildly. He smiled up at her and handed her a worn piece of paper with a bright painting on it. “Well isn’t that a nice picture, Kai. What is it a painting of?” The mother asked, ruffling her son’s hair. The boy grinned up at her before he spoke; “It’s you, momma! See this is your hair! And your smile! And here is your pretty dress!” The boy spoke so quickly that it was almost hard to understand him, his energy knew no bounds. The mother laughed and looked over at her other son, a twin of Kai, the sole exception being his straight hair that was so light that it was almost white. He was the quieter of the two, but likely the more intelligent, thought the mother. “Chance, why are you being so quiet over there? Are you painting as well?” Chance looked up at his mother, a shy smile crossing his face. “Yes, momma, I’m not done yet, so you’ll just have to wait for it.” The mother laughed, a warm feeling of contentment filling her. This was a good life, she thought, despite the loss of their father in the War of Immortals less then a year ago. The War of Immortals was a battle between two immortal kings battling for supremacy of the world, and the borderlands where they lived were caught in the middle. To the north the country of Kulmore was ruled by The Shadow Lord, Chiran. He was a cruel being, almost god-like with his power to manipulate and control the shadows. He was opposed by Culhearth to the south, ruled by The King of Diamonds, Camalain. He was the kinder of the two, but did not appreciate the lives of mortals any better then his brother. The two immortals fought, using their vassals and troops as pawns, for over a decade before the forces of Kulmore finally slew The Queen and Prince of Diamonds. With that darkness began to fall over the land, until a ragtag army of mortals, led by Denrick, Sarah's husband, formed to oppose Chiran. It was a long and fierce battle, but after nearly five years Kulmore was pushed back to their capital of Shaddowval. Denrick came back to visit his family one last time before the final assault. She closed her eyes and thought back to before he left; it was in this same house that he last spoke to her. She recalled his dark, brooding eyes and long black hair as he looked at her with the same smile that he always gave her. That smile was hers alone, and she cherished that fact. “Listen, Sarah, I know you’ll miss me, but this is the final blow against the Kulmore Empire and I’m needed to lead the assault. We can finally put an end to the terror of The Shadow Lord, I can't sit by and be safe when so many of my comrades are putting their lives on the line for what we fought and bled for. Don’t worry about me, I’ll return to you, I promise. Nothing can keep apart the love that we share. Nothing.” He smiled again and kissed her before walking out the door. He was half-right; they did win the war against Kulmore. The empire was destroyed and the emperor was killed. She sobbed as she heard the news, knowing that he would never return to her, it was likely that nothing had survived the explosion of dark magic that had engulfed the capital of Shaddowval, and she knew that he was right in the center of it when it happened. With a sigh she opened her eyes and looked at the gift he had left her, two bright boys and a jewel of a baby girl. She walked over to a bed and lay down where her one year old daughter lay and brushed a golden lock out of her sleeping face. “My Destiny, so pure, one day you’ll grow up to do great things, I just know it.” She turned to the boys, they were two years older then their sister and despite being so young they had taken up strong roles to help their mother and protect their baby sister. Kai bravely went to the forest on his own to gather wood for their fires and chance often helped with the cleaning and occasionally he would pick berries and vegetables for their dinners. She smiled, so proud of them all. She walked to the door and opened it, listening to the animals climb out of their shelters after the rain, and explores their surroundings. She smiled again as she enjoyed the peace of these tranquil woods, the peace that her husband’s life had bought. An unusual sound caused her to turn her head to the right, after listening for a second she realized it was the sound of horses coming through the woods. She heard the voices of men a short time later, rough, dark voices that spoke of vile things. She shut the door quietly and rushed back inside, gathering cloaks and small bags as she went; “Kai, Chance, come here boys.” She brought them close to her speaking in a whisper. “Listen, children, I need you two to be brave and keep an eye on your sister, do you understand?” “Why, momma? What’s going on? I’m scared!” Kai said as he looked around, his bright blue eyes wide with fear. “I just need you to listen to me, all right? I need both of you to take your sister out of the secret door and head out into the woods, I want you to hide there no matter what you hear until I come for you. Do you understand?” Chance nodded his jade eyes already showing his understanding. “I understand, momma, we’ll be brave for you!” Kai sniffed away his coming tears and nodded; “Yeah, we’ll keep Destiny safe until you come for us!” Sarah smiled, though inside she was fighting back terror, she knew she had to be brave for the boys or they would never agree to hide. “Good, now quickly go, take these and your sister, whatever you do, don’t let her cry! You must stay as quiet as you can!” The boys nodded and ran to the small door hidden near the fireplace, it was built just for them and stood no more then two feet tall, just enough for them to duck through. They were heading into the damp forest in less then a minute, and the hiding spot she had picked out. Sarah turned and grabbed a quarterstaff she had kept near the door, mostly for walking, and headed out to meet the soldiers. She didn’t have to wait long, within a few minutes several soldiers in black armor approached her, a tall man in thick black armor and wearing a black cloak sat in their midst. His armor was dark as night with the exception of twin blood red lines that ran down either side of his chest. The met in the middle and formed a dragon's head, the symbol of Kulmore. The left shoulder was covered with double shoulder pads with small spikes jutting off of it, it was armor designed to inspire fear as much as it was meant to protect it's wearer. “Where are the children?” He asked, his voice was as black as his armor. “Do not resist and you will not be harmed.” Sarah knew this was a lie; these were Kulmore soldiers though they shouldn’t even exist at this point, perhaps they were simply bandits who had kept the armor to inspire terror? No, then how would they know about the children or want anything to do with them? They were here on a mission, for some reason Kulmore wanted her children, she couldn't allow that. Anger began to well up inside her; they sought to do their dirty, evil deeds despite the sacrifice her husband had made. “You dogs be gone from here! You will not have my children! I will never hand them over to be slaves for Kulmore!” She struck suddenly, like a coiled viper, her blow struck one of the soldiers in the face, breaking his nose and knocking him out cold. As the others began to react she struck another on the wrist, breaking it and causing his sword to clatter to the ground. She ducked under a swing of a blade and struck the hind end of a soldier’s horse, causing it to buck and throw the man to the ground, she heard something break when he hit the slick ground. The leader struck out with his boot and caught her in the chest, knocking her in the mud. He turned to another soldier as he climbed off his horse; “I will deal with her, you head to a small clearing to the northwest of the hut and find the children, bring them back to me.” Shock caused Sarah to lose her breath. How? How did he know of the clearing? She'd been a fool, she must have been spied on. That meant that this had been planned for some time, perhaps even before her husband's death. “No!” She cried out as she jumped up, striking at the leader again and again. He did not even pull out his blade, but simply blocked the assault with his gauntlet. The soldier ran off to do as he was commanded as the leader struck out with his boot again and knocked Sarah to the ground. “You cannot have my children!” She cried out as she struggled to get up, only to be kicked again. The leader looked down on her; his emotions were covered by the black helmet he wore that covered all his features. It had a skull like mask and dragon wings that protruded off the sides and back behind the head. “If you stop this foolish resisting, I will allow you to live and even return to Kulmore with me.” His offer was oddly kind. Sarah contemplated it for a moment, why would this man offer such kindness? It must be a trick, he wanted her to be a slave too. She knew what kind of slaves a woman of her age would be in that serpent's den. Her features hardened and she sneered up at the soldier. “I would rather die.” Sarah stated in an even voice as she struck out with her staff, knocking the helmet from the leader’s head. As the man's features came into focus, Sarah's eyes widened in disbelief. Her lower lip trembled as recognition flooded through her. “No…it can’t be you!” She said, shock across her face as she stared at the man before her. “I won’t let darkness corrupt my children!” She focused on a small jewel around her neck, focusing on her inner magic on it. “Tonight we die together…as we should have...” She grinned as the jewel flashed and white energy exploded outwards catching all who were around her in its blast, not even the cabin was safe, as the white light caused the wood to explode with a boom that reverberated through the forest for miles around. Kai was running a hand over his sister's hair, attempting to keep her asleep when he heard something rustle through the nearby leaves. He looked up as a man in black armor with a strange red design on it approached them. Kai held up a stick and stood in front of his brother and sister, defiance etched on his young face. “I’ll hurt you if you get near us!” He threatened waiving the stick in an attempt to appear menacing. The soldier took off his ugly helmet and smiled, an oddly gentle smiled and knelt before the children. He released his helmet and let it drop to the ground. He was an old man, old enough to be their grandfather, he had long white hair and a thin, long mustache that drooped down to either side of his mouth and hung easily down to about an inch below his chin. His eyes were almond shaped and of a strange violet color. Kai didn't recognize his features but the were certainly foreign, as he had never seen anyone who looked like that before. “Don’t worry, Kai. My name is Shido." He reached out a hand towards Kai. "I’m a friend of your father’s, he asked me to save you if you were ever in trouble.” Kai's eyes narrowed as he looked at the old man doubtfully; “You liar! My father is dead! He couldn’t have asked you anything!” He swung the stick at the man’s head, who caught it easily with his right hand. He released the stick a second later, catching Kai as the boy lost his balance. Kai stared up at the old man, tears of frustration beginning to form in his eyes. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I served your father in the army. See?” He lifted up his right sleeve and showed a small cloth armband with a phoenix resting on a crested shield, above his elbow. The cloth was a dark red, and the orange and bright red phoenix stood out on it in bright contrast. Kai’s eyes went wide as Chance stepped forward behind him, both boys stared at the band for a long time before anyone spoke. "It's true..." Chance said. He believed the man because of the bands that both of them wore, ones that their father had given them shortly before he left and never returned. Kai covered his eyes with his hands as the forest was lit up as though the sun was high in the sky, by a white light. Shido looked behind him, sadness on his face as he turned back to the boys. “I’m sorry, but we have to leave now, it’s dangerous.” “But, we can’t leave until mother comes for us!” Kai protested stepping back. Chance looked down at his feet as he began to understand what that light meant; “Mother isn’t coming back, Kai, she’s gone to be with father.” Kai shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes again; “I don’t understand! Mother has to come back! She has too!” Shido stepped forward and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. He looked kindly down at the boy, his features sad as he shook his head. A muffled whimper came from behind them as Destiny began to stir. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, looking up into the sky at the light that was slowly subsiding. She blinked a few times her bright blue eyes filled with confusion. After a few seconds the whimpers grew and she just began to cry.
I realize it is a bit mashed up, doesn't transfer well from Word to a forum. If it catches your eye and you'd like to read it in a more pure format, I have a download link for it all in my first post. Anyways, thanks in advance for the feedback.
Group: Director
Posts: 6,347
Type: None
RM Skill: Undisclosed
There is an inconsistency in the time-line, or at least there appears to be, where you mentioned: "after nearly five years Kulmore was pushed back to their capital of Shaddowval. Denrick came back to visit his family one last time before the final assault". It is confusing that the twin boys are only around 3 years old based on this sentence. Maybe it just isn't mentioned correctly, but I wanted to point that out in case the time-line is correct, but perhaps it is just unclear in the writing. =]
One thing I'd like to mention is that you should likely have the children aged 5 or 6. based on their conversations in the story (3-year old children may be able to talk, but I doubt they would do half of what you've described these young boys as doing). =\
Group: Local Mod
Posts: 1,250
Type: Event Designer
RM Skill: Masterful
Rev Points: 90
Well they are really smart but yeah that makes sense, I know nothing about children XD. Thanks for actually doing some reading on it, getting some feed back is a great help!
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Aug 25 2012, 01:29 PM
), and a small band of heroes confronted Chiran himself.
