Intro to Puzzle Game Options

[thatbennyguy]

Hey guys, this is the introduction to my new puzzle game, which has no title at the moment. Let me know what you think about it, the pros and cons, and anything else you want to discuss.

They said I was dangerous.
They said I had nearly compromised the whole compound.
Madness is the state of being real, I replied.
They disagreed.
Friends started to notice me.
I had created something.
Not a coup, but something more.
A transformation, if you will.
The compound continually undergoes these transformations.
Each employee that enters the ranks, they re-organize themselves.
Re-shape, re-form.
Every last newbie enters this cold prison. Now I am confined to it.
They locked me up. I was a rebel without a cause.
They said I would have put the whole project in jeopardy.
"Define the project," I asked.
They would not give an answer.
I think it is because they did not understand what the project meant.
...
I seek a room. A special room.
A room that houses supernatural ideas. Views. Beliefs.
If I could reach that room, I could possibly convert my fellow co-workers, change their views.
Heck, maybe even the whole compound.
When the door opened up to my cold, dark cell, I shivered at the light.
There was freedom there, beyond those doors.
I wasn't sure whether it was by accident, or fate lending me a kind hand.
However, one thing is for certain: there was a force behind the opening of that door.
And that force belonged to someone ethereal, or out of this world.
My mission is to find that room, at all costs.
Be sure that when I do, chaos will ensue. And by chaos, I mean the just kind.
My mind is made. I will set out for the special room.
And I will make my stand there among the lilies and thorns.

This post has been edited by thatbennyguy: May 13 2012, 12:18 AM

[X-M-O]

I'd like to make a few suggestions, if you don't mind me doing so.
Basically I just want to show you where some improvements can be made in the writing style (mostly grammatically, but also to prevent some redundancy).

Every single last employee that enters the ranks, they re-organize.
Re-shape, re-form. Every last entry into this cold prison I am confined to.

Each employee that enters the ranks is re-organized.
Re-shape, re-form. Every entry into this cold prison I am confined to.

When the door opened to my dark and cold cell, I was set free.

When the door opened to my cold, dark cell, I was set free.

But one thing I know for sure, someone, or something opened up for me.

One thing I am certain of: someone, or some thing, opened the door for me.

And when I do, chaos will ensue. And by chaos, I mean the good kind.

When I do, chaos will ensue. A beneficial chaos.
("Beneficial" may be replaced with "good", if you prefer that. I'd recommend any synonym though, as "good" has many implications. "Just" might be a good one, though it would need to be accurate according to the story. "Grand" is another nice word to use. Play around with it, but avoid using "good" if you are able.)


Hope that is useful.

[thatbennyguy]

Thanks X-M-O, your suggestions are welcome. I have edited the version according to your suggestions, but also added a few things. If you can also critique on the general theme instead of the grammar, that would be fantastic.

[X-M-O]

You're welcome. I like the other changes you made as well.

I really don't offer critique on content as much as I do with technical things, but I do like the poetic nature of your writing.
It's rather short, and I don't know the context of what you have written, but my only other suggestion would be to continue expanding on what you've got. =]

[rewells]

I like it. It makes me want to play your game. I actually prefer your original draft to XMO's suggestions (no disrespect to XMO) because it sounds less formal are more conversational.

Hey guys, this is the introduction to my new puzzle game, which has no title at the moment. Let me know what you think about it, the pros and cons, and anything else you want to discuss.

They said I was dangerous.
They said I had nearly compromised the whole compound.
Madness is the state of being real, I replied.
They disagreed.
Friends started to notice me.
I had created something.
Not a coup, but something more.
A transformation, if you will.
The compound continually undergoes these transformations.
Each employee that enters the ranks, they re-organize themselves.
Re-shape, re-form.
Every last newbie enters this cold prison. Now I am confined to it.
They locked me up. I was a rebel without a cause.
They said I would have put the whole project in jeopardy.
"Define the project," I asked.
They would not give an answer.
I think it is because they did not understand what the project meant.
...
I seek a room. A special room.
A room that houses supernatural ideas. Views. Beliefs.
If I could reach that room, I could possibly convert my fellow co-workers, change their views.
Heck, maybe even the whole compound.
When the door opened up to my cold, dark cell, I shivered at the light.
There was freedom there, beyond those doors.
I wasn't sure whether it was by accident, or fate lending me a kind hand.
However, one thing is for certain: there was a force behind the opening of that door.
And that force belonged to someone ethereal, or out of this world.
My mission is to find that room, at all costs.
Be sure that when I do, chaos will ensue. And by chaos, I mean the just kind.
My mind is made. I will set out for the special room.
And I will make my stand there among the lilies and thorns.

[Zinx10]

I actually prefer XMO's version, but your style of writing is well--your style. Also, how do you do it, XMO?