HELP!!! ADVICE!!!, <_<; Options

[Spirit_Master_X]

Before I say anything I already accepted the fact that it will NEVER happen between us and if it does its a miracle but...
I like this girl, right, but she has a bf for 2 years. Whats crazy is like...she and I likes the same things...anime, artwork, xbox 360, street fighter x tekken, and she is so cool to me! like every decision she makes I think its cool cause I'll make the same decision.
the previous night we all hung out including her boyfriend, which i have no problem with, he is a cool guy. we had to squeeze in one car, her bf, me, and her were all sitting in the back. she was in the middle and i was beside the window. ok, so she wraps her arm under mine while she was drunk...now i know im not suppose to take it overboard or anything like that but from what i'am told alcohol brings out the truth in people like their feelings what they really wanna say etc. so she does this with her bf sitting right there and im thinking...wow...im gonna die. like i tried to pull away but her hand is clinging to my sleeve like...i dont know but she held on for a long time...but my question is guys...is that a sign that says she likes me? or is it just for fun and games? blah blah?

Edit:
On another note, see i really wanna forget about her because i dont want to disrespect her bf who is cool with me. i try my damn best to forget about her and move on but she is just stuck in my head and its difficult to flush out the thoughts man...damnit. now i wont go far and say im in love, nawww. but...i dont know man, it kills the fuck out of me because i wanna be around her but at the same time i dont cause she will prolong my thoughts of her just by being there. i need help and some advice guys. fill me in.

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Apr 6 2012, 12:12 PM

[X-M-O]

I don't know if a guy's advice is best for a situation with a girl (so not sure if you were asking for a guy's advice, but I'm going to give you my advice instead), but I can tell you that even if alcohol "brings out her real feelings" or whatever, she probably just feels safe around you.
It doesn't, in my opinion, imply that she really likes you or would like you as her boyfriend.
I happen to feel a lot safer around guys that I know are not interested in me, so I know that I'd probably do something similar if I were to drink a lot (I don't drink alcohol, except a small glass of champagne for the new year or a special occasion - not enough to cause me any issues).

What I'm trying to say is that she probably considers you a really good friend, one that she can trust. I know as a girl I will generally never feel that comfortable around someone I'm in love with. As a matter of fact, I generally avoid someone I like if I don't feel like I'm in a position to really be in control of things. =\
I would honestly feel much more comfortable in the arms of a really good friend than a boyfriend.

So I really don't know about her that much, but I do know me, and I wouldn't say that situation implies she likes you any more than as a good friend. =\

I think your desire for her is conditioning you to accept anything she does towards you as a hint that she likes you.
To me it seems one-sided, and the "liking" is on your part. But I think you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel.
Even if it doesn't feel good for her to say that she really doesn't look at you that way, at least you can get it off your chest, if you know what I mean. =]

[Spirit_Master_X]

but see if i tell her, like you said she may say she doesnt like me that way but thats not the part that im to worried about, what im really worried about is the awkwardness it'll bring to the table after telling her. and what will happen. like she may end up telling her bf, then when they come to hang out, it'll be a weird vibe going around and i would really like to avoid that. as far as i can tell they are pretty honest with each other, so she'll most likely go back and tell him what i said...so im definately not looking for that...should i just...buy a case and beer and drink alone? =/
like get super drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning to try and forget about her and move on? lmao im seriously on the verge of doing anything to stop this madness

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Apr 6 2012, 12:29 PM

[Sparrowsmith]

It really doesn't seem like she's into you XMO is right, all of that stuff is something a good friend would do. In fact, it's probably something that's more natural for good friends than people who like each other.

Drinking on your own probably won't solve anything though. There are no easy fix solutions. You've got to try and accept that it really isn't going to happen. I'm sorry.

[Spirit_Master_X]

-drenches himself in the tears that could've been lol...-

yeah you guys are right. now its just a factor of trying to cope. i was thinking maybe i should just avoid her for now. like when she comes over, i'll just walk out somewhere.

edit:
Before anyone else decides to reply to the thread allow me to say that...it is extremely difficult to find that girl whom you have a lot in common with. Basically, it is a rare occurence...especially nowadays. I remember her bf asking me what i like in a girl...and little did he know...well...everything i liked in a girl was in his girl...ofcourse i didnt tell him that but i basically announced a couple things i liked in my ideal woman in which she related to.

it takes a long time to find that ideal girl, and im 23 (i think the date of my birthday is wrong in my profile lol) so in my case it took 22 or some odd amount of years to find that ideal girl...only to find out she is out of my reach, its disheartening (did i spell that right?) now i know the phrase there is plenty fish in the sea, but i think the reason why im taking this situation seriously is because my ideal girl is walking right past me...its like having a dream where you want something, and you see it, and it sees you, but it doesn't care and just walks away from you.

i know you guys are a little annoyed by this, so forgive me =/ but you guys are cool and so thats why im telling you guys this...but honestly, as sparrow said, there is no easy fix, and if there is no easy fix, honestly, i don't think i can get over this no matter how hard i try to forget...because...my ideal lady friend is RIGHT there y'know...and if she leaves, im afraid that ill just give up on trying to be in a couple...like...i dont wanna wait another 22 years because then it'll be too late. i know im over-exagerrating things, if i spelled that correctly, but...-sighs heavily- ohhh SMX how weak you are -_-...

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Apr 6 2012, 03:11 PM

[X-M-O]

Aw... =\
And no, you're not annoying me by trying to figure things like this out. It's a very careful and personal issue that needs attention. =]

To tell you the truth, it seems that way with most guys I know. I think you're being a little paranoid about not being able to find that perfect girl in any reasonable amount of time (obviously "reasonable" varies based on your personal needs/wants, but still).
I think I understand your need/want to "have the right girl, and have the right girl very soon". I think that sense of urgency exists in most guys I know regardless of how strongly they feel or who they feel something for.
It is hard to be patient about those feelings, especially as a guy, and it is probably even more difficult to express your feelings directly to the person you like/love (guys find a harder time with this than girls, but don't think that we don't have difficulty with it either - we do, so you're not alone there).

Anyway, my honest opinion is that if you don't want to have to deal with the awkwardness that might come after having expressed your feelings to this girl, then you will have to deal with not knowing and not having this girl the way you feel that you need/want to.
It's one or the other, really. As a girl, I'd always suggest that you be honest with yourself and with the person you have feelings for; but I have to admit most of the time I give advice like this to guys, they go and do the opposite of my suggestion and wallow in their self-pity without ever even attempting to express their feelings to the person they liked/loved.
That isn't to say that it will turn out exactly as you want it to (she ends up saying she loves you and her boyfriend decides he wasn't interested anyway), and usually ends up being the opposite of what you wanted (she doesn't end up liking you, she avoids you from then on along with her boyfriend).
I honestly think that the risk (of her not liking you) is too great based on what you've mentioned though. So in your case it might be better to let her go (I really can't say, I only know her from what you've said, and I have to assume that she's just like most girls I know) and instead to focus your emotions on finding a girl that matches your "ideal girl" definition but that doesn't already have a boyfriend (and yes, that is hard). =\

[Sparrowsmith]

If you feel what's best is to avoid her, I guess that's your decision.
Like you said though, you have a lot in common. If you can find a way, then you can keep a friend, and I'm sure she'd want to keep you too.

I guess it's easier said than done, but you have to stop thinking of her in that way Life's a whole pot of coulda, woulda, shoulda and can'ts. Could sit here all night and talk about unrequited love, temporarily requited love, neat little role reversals, and bad feelings, but I don't think it'd help you to hear it.
Shit like this, you gotta figure it out on your own. Feelings are a cruel and personal thing. I'd just recommend not making any rash decisions.
And you're not weak, just human. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[Spirit_Master_X]

Dude, like, I imagine this whole thing as a role-play lmao. Where your character have to make a difficult choice that affects the story...ohhh man lol. I'm going to have to weigh my options then. Just wait a little longer, see what happens. I won't avoid her though, but I'm going to have to be there for her...you know...as a friend. As you said, X-M-O, she prolly thinks of me as a good friend, so I'll just need to be that instead and can't hope for anything better, y'know.

[Klokinator]

but see if i tell her, like you said she may say she doesnt like me that way but thats not the part that im to worried about, what im really worried about is the awkwardness it'll bring to the table after telling her. and what will happen. like she may end up telling her bf, then when they come to hang out, it'll be a weird vibe going around and i would really like to avoid that. as far as i can tell they are pretty honest with each other, so she'll most likely go back and tell him what i said...so im definately not looking for that...should i just...buy a case and beer and drink alone? =/
like get super drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning to try and forget about her and move on? lmao im seriously on the verge of doing anything to stop this madness

If she's not into her boyfriend, she'll leave him eventually. If she is into her boyfriend, it's rude to butt in. If she's not into her boyfriend but trapped with him in an abusive situation, you'd be a terrible person to take advantage of that with ulterior motives.

No matter how you look at it though, getting her drunk hoping she'll tell you her true feelings is a lousy piece of shit way of doing things. I wouldn't be able to respect myself as a man if I did something like that, but then again I'm a very courageous person and I've always told a girl I liked them, even to my own detriment. It either leads to rejection, or it leads to accepting. Either way, if you're gonna tell her, do it like a man, and if not, don't tell her. That's how I see it.

Are you going to look back in ten years and say "Fuck that boyfriend, I should have just told her how I felt"? Taking a risk is part of being human, and if you can't learn to take risks, you'll have a whole host of problems other than just broken hearts.

[X-M-O]

Taking a risk is part of being human, and if you can't learn to take risks, you'll have a whole host of problems other than just broken hearts.

That's true, but I'm thinking that unnecessary risks aren't really worth it. It's just my opinion though because I'm very conservative with my risk-taking ventures (especially when they involve my emotions).
If you feel that you cannot handle rejection, then don't take the risk. If you feel you are strong enough emotionally to take on that risk, then by all means do so.
Guys think differently though, and not all guys think the same (though sometimes I think they do..), so only you can make that decision for yourself, SMX. =]

[Homunculus]

Spiritman, let me tell you a story. A story of love, a story of hatred, a story of sadness, woe, many nights of drowning in tears and beers, blah blah etc.

About 2 years ago this girl found the guy she thought was the guy of her dreams. They quickly became friends, eventually best friends, and... Fuck storytelling. So yeah, I was in the same boat a couple years back, and today the thought of being with that same guy makes me feel physically sick and happy that we didn't get together at the same time and he's still one of my best friends LOL. I think there are many things I was trying to say in that sentence, lemme break it down.

1. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, matters dealing with emotional content are the most difficult.

2. Don't put your life on hold for this girl. If you feel a certain way, then go ahead and feel that way, the heart works in mysterious ways that are hard to control. It IS hard to find that certain someone that has every quality you could want, but honestly? This is just one page in a bigass book. Maybe she is the one, maybe she isn't, if she is it will happen, if she isn't you'll move on and be still happy. Keep your eyes open, it's a big world with endless beauty around every corner. Your ultimate happiness doesn't depend on her or anyone for that matter, so don't let it. I'm not saying you do or are, I'm just saying don't let it cause it's a bad road to go down haha.

Now. What am I trying to say here... YEAH. Yeah. Be her friend. She has a boyfriend, and if they're happy together then it would be a shame to get in between them. You can be her friend, and you can keep your feelings for her, but DON'T think she's the one and only girl meant for you cause that will A. Make you want to cry in your pillow every night and B. Blind you to so much potential. What I recommend is what I previously said, keep being her friend, and it's okay to have feelings for her, but if opportunity comes a'knockin via another kickin chick, open the door and say hello. If she breaks up with her boyfriend and you're still available and amorous then by all means make a move.

Right now, this isn't a situation you should try to control. Trying to control it will only cause more emotional stress. Don't even think about trying to control it, just go with it. The only control you have over the situation is yourself. Everything else is out of your hands right now. Hang out, laugh, have good times. Try to keep your emotions out of it.

I'm sorry, I know I'm not the best advice giver, but I don't like to sit back and watch bro's go through emotional torment without at least attempting to help haha.

OH YEAH. FUCK. Fuuuucccck. about the telling her you like her thing. If it's really important to you, I mean yeah you can tell her, that would be the most direct way, but. You know that arm thing she did. How you took that as a sign of her maybe potentially liking you. Why not do subtle little things to send out signals that you might like her? A little flirting never hurt anyone.

actually, actually *Continues rambling* one of my best friends fell for one of my other best friends who's been with her boyfriend for like 3 or 4 years now. And I like the way he handled it. She KNOWS he likes her but she's totally cool with it because he JOKES about it. He treats it like a joke, and she does the same. He'll flirt and laugh, and she'll do the same cause they know they're just joking. But she knows he likes her, so the message was sent with 0 awkwardness hahaha. That's not something I'd tell everyone to do cause everyone's different and every situation can't be solved with the same solution, but you know. Just an idea thrown out there. Throwing some lightheartedness into the situation would probably also make you feel a lot less on edge and more comfortable with the situation.

[Spirit_Master_X]

Homie!!! Thanks for the advice. As the days went by I sorta backed off the situation. I mean I still like her, ofcourse, but as far as being extremely bothered by it I think I'm over it. As far as flirting, here is my way of doing it. I don't do it physically, but mentally...for instance, we're playing Street Fighter X Tekken, I use Vega and she uses Xaoyu. I'll kinda play around with her, since everyone knows Vega is the ultimate charmer. Sometimes I'll crouch and watch her until she makes the first move...so the hints are sorta there maybe? lmao. I dont know but I came to the conclusion, as what X-M-O said, she feels comfortable around me enough to know she doesnt have to dress up really good, and act a certain way, you know? and I cant really ask for more than that. Plus her boyfriend is so in love with us cause he think we're the most talented people in the world, so...yeah. =/

But I think I'm over it, because her and her bf seems to be happy, even if he says rude things to her at times and pressures her to do certain moves when she is playing SF X Tekken with me and stuff, I can tell she gets a little annoyed by him at times lmao...but I'm over it. I'm totally moving on.

One thing I can say that really bothers me is that I think she is a tiny bit infatuated with a friend of mine. She's always asking about him, like..."Is he coming up here? have you talked to him? blah blah" and when they are around each other, it kills me because they are just having a blast. He knows I like her and told me he wouldn't even go for her since he's friends with her bf and because I have a thing for her and all...but it sucks, because I recall him saying he would do her if she throws herself at him without having any remorse for her bf...but he said that before I started liking her. He has a good honest job, money, a car, a place of his own etc. and I have shit, so I kinda feel like I should go off and die or become a hermit and not give a damn anymore. I mean she even drove with him just by herself to food lion to buy fruit while her boyfriend was present with us. Not saying this is set in stone but its like...i like her, but she sorta kinda likes my friend? wtf is going on here lmao. Like I said I dont even care anymore, I'd rather be single, anyway. All of this mooshy gooshy feelings is totally not me and I'm kinda disappointed that I feel that way because I feel badass and too awesome to even have these types of feelings...I'm not human <_<;;;

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Apr 17 2012, 01:43 PM

[rewells]

I can't be 100% sure, but I think you are human. I've been having similar existential crisis. I'm 26 and just had to move in with my dad because I got laid off from my job and haven't dated anyone in almost two years. I'd kind of been seeing a guy for a few weeks but he just pulled a "I can't handle a relationship right now/it's not you it's me/blah blah" and stopped talking to me. I was and still am crushed, but I'm trying to look on the bright side, like now at least I'm not having to respond to 30 text messages a say. Sorry that's not helpful, but I feel your pain. I'm re-reading "Against Love", a book by Laura Kipnis that argues that people shouldn't get married or be monogamous, and it's making me feel good about being single.

Good job on respecting her bf - never be a homewrecker, because it just makes things awkward for everyone. I'd say stay friends, keep her number in your phone and be there to comfort her if/when they break up. But until then she's off limits.

Homie!!! Thanks for the advice. As the days went by I sorta backed off the situation. I mean I still like her, ofcourse, but as far as being extremely bothered by it I think I'm over it. As far as flirting, here is my way of doing it. I don't do it physically, but mentally...for instance, we're playing Street Fighter X Tekken, I use Vega and she uses Xaoyu. I'll kinda play around with her, since everyone knows Vega is the ultimate charmer. Sometimes I'll crouch and watch her until she makes the first move...so the hints are sorta there maybe? lmao. I dont know but I came to the conclusion, as what X-M-O said, she feels comfortable around me enough to know she doesnt have to dress up really good, and act a certain way, you know? and I cant really ask for more than that. Plus her boyfriend is so in love with us cause he think we're the most talented people in the world, so...yeah. =/

But I think I'm over it, because her and her bf seems to be happy, even if he says rude things to her at times and pressures her to do certain moves when she is playing SF X Tekken with me and stuff, I can tell she gets a little annoyed by him at times lmao...but I'm over it. I'm totally moving on.

One thing I can say that really bothers me is that I think she is a tiny bit infatuated with a friend of mine. She's always asking about him, like..."Is he coming up here? have you talked to him? blah blah" and when they are around each other, it kills me because they are just having a blast. He knows I like her and told me he wouldn't even go for her since he's friends with her bf and because I have a thing for her and all...but it sucks, because I recall him saying he would do her if she throws herself at him without having any remorse for her bf...but he said that before I started liking her. He has a good honest job, money, a car, a place of his own etc. and I have shit, so I kinda feel like I should go off and die or become a hermit and not give a damn anymore. I mean she even drove with him just by herself to food lion to buy fruit while her boyfriend was present with us. Not saying this is set in stone but its like...i like her, but she sorta kinda likes my friend? wtf is going on here lmao. Like I said I dont even care anymore, I'd rather be single, anyway. All of this mooshy gooshy feelings is totally not me and I'm kinda disappointed that I feel that way because I feel badass and too awesome to even have these types of feelings...I'm not human <_<;;;

[Spirit_Master_X]

I was actually thinking about telling her how I felt, but also mention how much i respect her and her boyfriend and their relationship and i'll never do anything to even attempt to break them up, and also telling her how much of a good friend they are to me. Would that a rational way of doing it?

[Sparrowsmith]

I would say that's a rational way of doing it.
Maybe not the best way. It's hard to say the best way, but the rational way is usually something to go by.

[Spirit_Master_X]

Well, guess I cant hold back now. Just sent her a message on facebook asking her if i could be honest about something. Guess I post here when the results show up.

[Klokinator]

You know, life is funny. I used to rehearse lines, then deliver them and get rejected. One day, I met this cute girl (a friend of my then-girlfriend) and some weeks after I broke up with my girlfriend, this girl and I were rooming together. I was just like "I like you and I wanna go on a date with you, is that all right?".

Well, she said no, she didn't want to go on a date, but it didn't bother me, and we stayed friends. There came a point in my life, where instead of saying "OH GOD SHE SAID NO THIS MEANS SHE HATES ME AND WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS" I just think about it now, say "Alright then" and move on. In a way, it's more detached and therefore kinda bad, but it feels better. Now I'm not going to break down and die and I won't work myself into a fervor thinking of the consequences if she says no, I just ask, and if the answer is "yes" then great! And if not, there's always another girl, even if I have to wait quite some time.

Once you realize girls aren't divine overlords who need us to bow to their every whim, but are flawed humans just like guys, it makes life so much easier. They have sexual needs just like we do though admittedly they can hold out a lot longer than us lol and they want a family too and things of that sort. They feel awkward rejecting an offer and they feel awkward accepting an offer, and this makes it easier on me because as awkward as I feel, I know she probably feels just as awkward. If I go in looking not-awkward, it puts her more at ease and me as well.

/wallotext

This post has been edited by Klokinator: Apr 20 2012, 05:56 PM

[X-M-O]

You've got the right idea there, Klok.
We're human just like any guy is human, so you don't have to feel like we're aliens or whatever, lol.
Just talk to us and be honest. =]

Also, I would like to point out that we are divine overlords who require you to bow to our every whim (but only if you dare to claim one of us as your own).

[Spirit_Master_X]

Well thanks for being there guys. I told her, the message is sent. First I asked her if I could be honest about something, she didn't reply, but I went ahead and told her how I felt anyway. The ball is in her court now. I must say that I feel a lot better now that I told her. Not sure if she logged on facebook yet, but I don't care if she replies or not, as long as she knows, y'know.

[X-M-O]

There you go.
And if she ends up being all right with that then great, and if not then be sure not to drain yourself over it, okay? =]