Plot feedback Options

[Chukkaque]

I've been chatting with a couple people one IRC and they suggested I share the plot of my project to get some feed back, so I want to hear what you guys think. Ask any questions you like. I personally like the story and the plot and as a writer we've been working on and finished many stories over the last years. We started at 14 and refined many of them and decided we want to show them to people. I created "Project Dream" as an outlet for this. You get a taste of many of our stories and characters. This way if people like it and want another one from us we can find which era/characters people want to see more of.


You travel through various worlds, ensuring that the "Creator's" plan go as carried out and are fulfilled.
If you fail, their destiny will become your own and you will be forever trapped in their destiny.
As you finish stories and visit worlds you unlock various heroes and villains as well as neutral characters
that exist through the eras.
You can create any team and visit the full world of each era.
When you fight the creator/final boss you are awarded with the mastery of saving his prophecy.
When you get the "secret ending" you learn that everything you thought you did was nothing. You
didn't actually help his prophecy but watched it play out.
The creator has been teaching you how to do this, giving you examples of what worked, how things
changed, and even with his power things could slip out of his hands. This whole time you've been apprenticing under him.
Afterwards you are awarded with your own world and you are the creator there, to create your own heroes and stories.

Opinions?

[Cleril]

Firstly, telling us a story for a video game via text is just silly. Storytelling in video games involves showing, not telling. Therefore, telling us the plot is not how the player would experience it and therefore it's just not accurately portrayed.

"If you fail, their destiny will become your own and you will be forever trapped in their destiny."

Could you write that a little better? It seems either redundant or incomprehensible.

"When you fight the creator/final boss you are awarded with the mastery of saving his prophecy."

Who's prophecy? Is the creator a he, it, or she? And if you're referring to the creator, how would fighting him save his prophecy?

"When you get the "secret ending" you learn that everything you thought you did was nothing. You
didn't actually help his prophecy but watched it play out."

Are you familiar with Mass Effect 3? If not, you should know that in writing 101 for video games: Never make what the player does absolutely pointless. Heavy Rain did this in the first scene with the female protagonist. It was a nightmare! Meaning that entire 15-20 minutes or more of gameplay was completely useless to anything. It's bad writing. And what exactly caused you to simply watch the prophecy play out instead of doing stuff? Were you sleeping for X time?

"The creator has been teaching you how to do this, giving you examples of what worked, how things
changed, and even with his power things could slip out of his hands. This whole time you've been apprenticing under him."

Do what!? And we already knew we were apprenticing under him if we were supposed to make sure his plans on carried out as you said in your first statement.

"Afterwards you are awarded with your own world and you are the creator there, to create your own heroes and stories."

How do you do that, magic? Or is the Creator just feeling super nice?

My honest thoughts are that this story is either really stupid or poorly explained in your post.

Either way you should still understand that how the player experiences this story is not how we experience it by you telling us this...This stuff.

[Chukkaque]

Could you write that a little better? It seems either redundant or incomprehensible.

Yes, I can rewrite this.

Who's prophecy? Is the creator a he, it, or she? And if you're referring to the creator, how would fighting him save his prophecy?

The story never states whether they are a he, she, it or anything. I did explain this, which was a bad decision on my part. As you progress through the story you gain access to an area known as the battle grounds where various characters are unlocked. You are allowed to create various teams to your liking and go through each era's full world. When you believe you have devised a team strong to defeat the Creator's Chosen champions(which will be referred to as having a strong enough bond with yourself and the children of destiny). When you defeat the Creator you have proven your knowledge and understanding of what you've learned.

...though thinking about it now. I think I will change it so that the player finishes the prophecy and gains the original prize. Afterwards which will unlock the Creator as an optional final boss for the secret ending.

I am telling you, the people giving me your opinion, that you are an apprentice. Otherwise in the story you are never told that. You are told you've been brought here to fix the error's that could occur in the prophecy and see them through as intended.

The reason behind giving you your own world to create is that in the Creator's eyes you've earned the right that he's been given. You've learned, you've practiced and defeated him. He believes you deserve your right to create as he has. So he gives your own world. He created the original world, so he just makes another one and gives it to you.

[Cleril]

Okay, I'm still confused on some things.

Really, though, I just don't see the appeal of this story. I mean, what, the gameplay is just a battle arena? No themes are discussed, no issues? It just seems bare bones to me.

[Lydyn]

You travel through various worlds, ensuring that the "Creator's" plan go as carried out and are fulfilled.

I suppose the main question at this point is, what is the main conflict? Or rather, why are you trying to ensure that his plan is carried out and what is that plan? If this is presented, then it gives the players and more importantly, the characters, a direction - a goal. Also, who is trying to stop his plan and why?

If you fail, their destiny will become your own and you will be forever trapped in their destiny.

Odd consequence ... so, instead of just dying, you become the said hero and have to play out their destiny, then die?

As you finish stories and visit worlds you unlock various heroes and villains as well as neutral characters
that exist through the eras.

This is an okay idea. Can't say I'm personally ... inspired by this type of theme, as it's hard to draw the player into the characters and setting, but if the point to this whole game is to show people various worlds ... well, I understand. I wouldn't do it, but I understand.

You can create any team and visit the full world of each era.

Makes me think of an arena game. If that's the case, you have to be careful about losing your story element of the game - unless it's not as important to you. Some games don't explore story much, like Dynasty Warriors (off the top of my head).

When you fight the creator/final boss you are awarded with the mastery of saving his prophecy.

[See first comment.]

When you get the "secret ending" you learn that everything you thought you did was nothing. You
didn't actually help his prophecy but watched it play out.
The creator has been teaching you how to do this, giving you examples of what worked, how things
changed, and even with his power things could slip out of his hands. This whole time you've been apprenticing under him.
Afterwards you are awarded with your own world and you are the creator there, to create your own heroes and stories.

This part, I agree on some points made by Cleril and disagree on some others. If done right, it can be rather clever, though I'll admit if it's done at the end of the game it can frustrate a lot of people - so be careful. Heavy Rain did an excellent job of this, as I loved the entire game from start to finish. When they put this idea into the game it was so early and so short that, even though it "wasted" the player's time by 5-10 minutes, it was hardly any sort of impact on the entire game by the time you finished.

In short, it can be a good idea, but at the very end of the game? I'd say probably not.

[amerk]

Maybe I'm the Devil's Advocate, but I like the idea behind the story. I'm assuming he's just providing us a brief synopsis and looking for feedback, so obviously he's not going to be able to show anything yet. My opinion is it sounds intriguing, but there's not much to go off as of yet. What will matter is how it's implemented in game, and whether or not you can show the story in an intriguing light.

However, the idea is definitely good and can offer a fun and engaging experience. Rather than just telling us the story from beginning to end, though, it may be better to write the thread to give us some ideas you have of what the game will be like (rpg, exploration, puzzle, etc) and what features you are looking for.

[Sparrowsmith]

What I'm seeing here is more like the mechanics of the game rather than its plot. The whole hopping between worlds the creator as created, setting their courses right, building teams to fight his champions, that's some good gameplay there, but it's not plot.
Plot would be, for example, a servant of the creator set to right the wrongs in the creators design eventually comes to see that his creators designs are intrinsically cruel (some worlds are purposefully made to have sad/evil endings) while the creator deems this as a necessary part of balance, the servant disagrees. The servant travels to the battle grounds and amasses the heroes he once fought alongside and against for his masters plans, and sends them to fight the creator's champions. In defeating the champions, he releases the worlds to their own fortunes, and comes one step closer to destroying his former master. Upon defeating the creator, the servant is informed that his quest has given him a sense of right and wrong, and he has shown he can be trusted with the powers of creation, and he is sent on his way to make his own worlds and stories.

That is a plot. The character's actions are explained and you could probably tie some nice emotional stuff in there, you have a problem (cruelty) and a resolution (the undoing of the cruelty).
Actually... I want to play that game now.

Anyway, this wasn't a recommendation on what to do, just an example of what would actually be a plot. What you've actually shown us is the mechanics of the game, and I like that. I think the idea of the player working for the creator of these worlds is pretty unique, but make sure you put some character development in there too.
just my opinion on the matter.

[Chukkaque]

Thanks for all the feed back everyone. As soon as I get to a computer ill address many of these topics brought to light. I will have to agree with sparrowsmith and amerk when they say this is mechanical. I've been reading your concerns from my phone, the main story exists in the worlds. The places you travel, you start to understand and feel for characters and want to ensure that their destiny goes as planned.

There are various villians in each world that want to stop, destroy, or alter the prophecy or harm the "heroes", ea@h would come to light eventually with a back story and what not. The story doesn't spell everything out for you, youmd have to piece it together yourself.

But each character has their own story that you'll see and get to play if you like. Unlocking their pasts or futures in the different era sections.

I'm sick of my phone keyboard but ill be back by the 28th for more dicussion, thank you again everyone.

[ZODIAK]

This sounds a lot like FFXIII-2. :x Atleast the traveling through different eras (past, present, future) and doing the will of a greater being to save the timeline or whatever.

This post has been edited by ZODIAK: Mar 23 2012, 10:07 PM

[Chukkaque]

Yes unfortunately, we noticed that. We've had the story down for about a year and half and then XIII-2 came out.

[Chukkaque]

Alright I want to thank everyone for taking time to read and/or comment with their opinions and ideas. My partner and I have sat down and discussed what we should do with the overall story and how we present it to this community, but more so everyone else.

We decided to put this project on hold. We will do this project at one point, but for now we decided to take a different approach. Instead of starting with "Project Dream" we will be starting with square 1. "The Prophecy." The first story that starts with 3 boys and their adventures through their hometown which soon changes by a man that they've long had as their protector. The game is fairly soft hearted with continual humor. Learning about "The Prophecy" it's importance and what it entails. They learn it speaks of them as Trinet's Heroes and that there is a 4th. They discover that those with evil intent want to get their hands on the prophecy and change it to their liking. This will also speak of its origin, what it was designed to do, and why.

So we thank you guys very much for your opinions and you as always are welcome to voice your opinions and thoughts about the new plot-line. We will be starting work this may.