QUOTE (Sparrowsmith @ Jan 14 2011, 01:43 PM)
Well you probably don't care what I have to say... But here we go.
You pay attention to the wrong things. A story's introduction is its most powerful theme. Think of it like a film, the opening with someone smiling or crying will be emotional based, one which focuses on an ominous force (magic perhaps) is usually about that ominous force.
Yours begins with the exterior of the traveling vehicle. The team are not only secondary, but entirely unimportant. The planet is unimportant. Everything is unimportant except the vehicle and the mission.
There's no human connection at all
You might think that's all well and good, but who will the story follow
With neither a character nor an inciting event, all the audience has to work with is a vehicle moving... It's just a presentation for an armored space vehicle.
To make this a story, give them an interior to work with. Not pointless mechanics, fit that into dialogue, and give them something to relate to. Don't talk in riddles either, cut to the chase. It seems like you really beat around the bush.
As far as knowing what you're writing about, job well done, I get the feeling you really know where this is going, but language wise it is fairly poor.
I agree on most points here, but I would like to mention that there are quite a few successful writings that begin by describing completely unimportant action/environment prior to getting into the substance of the writing.
So in this case it may not do as great a job of that (language-wise), but it can still be good introduction material if given the chance - and a few edits. =]
I do, however, strongly agree with Sparrowsmith in terms of "cutting to the chase". Whilst an introduction can have the elements you've supplied, they shouldn't drag on to the second page without getting into the part of the story that really matters.
I mentioned before that you should avoid rushing the story, however a more clear meaning to what I said would be: you do need to get to the story quickly enough to attract your audience but don't jump to the climax too soon. =]