Input and opinions gratefully received, the first few paragraphs of something ive written Options

[theBreadSultan]

Muted rain upon thick metal armour, lashing down but barely heard from within. Heavy winds pushing and howling.
Defying gravity; stones, vines, assorted nature. All are sent skyward by the unforgiving wind.
Squat, wide, heavy. The machine remains. Caterpillar tracks mocking the storm as it moves unseen towards the enemy outpost.

Inside the cramped compartment steely eyes stare off into space. The noise of the machine filling the air.
Half darkness causing shadows to dance in the flicker of screens, switches, and digital dials.
A single red light, and the smell of men mixed with machine, the only constant here.

The surreal tranquility that exists in such a place is interrupted as the machines commander makes an announcement to his cargo.
"2 minutes"
Soon a deep growl is released from the belly of the machine as it accelerates to 140 Mph.
The machine accelerates to assault speed.

The machine in question is an Armoured Transport and Assault Support vehicle of the Earth Defence Force. The ATAS.
Powered by 5th generation manifold turbine technology and equipped with advanced sensor systems, an impulse communication array and tactical AI.
Its armaments include twin vulcan heavy machine guns, an auto mortar and several short range rockets.

Today it's cargo is 6 members of the elite Zero-Alpha regiment. Trained and ready to fight in zero atmosphere.
Usually tasked with the boarding, sabotage and capture of enemy ships. They find themselves planet side.
The mission: to capture or destroy a Kinso research outpost.

Deep Signals Intelligence picked up what they believed to be a stray transmission originating from the site.
Crypto analysis later revealed that the site was conducting experiments on an artifact of unknown origin, and was making progress. Echo-3 squadron happened to be the nearest level 1 asset and were tasked with the mission.
A turn of events that would reveal itself to be no coincidence.

"1 minute"

Though of technology, the growl of an engine makes a primal sound. Like thunder it speaks of power and unleashed elements.
Nature tapped. Bent to the will of man. The will of man. The waging of war. The quest for dominance.
Once an earthly pursuit, now with flux corridor technology. A universal one.

===========

too wanky?
or not wanky enough?

having re-read this first page - i find it hard to see the wood from the trees,
If this was page one -
would you turn the page?

[X-M-O]

Hmm... It seems to be written in segments/fragments rather than being written smoothly.
As a reader, and writer, in my opinion it does not flow well from the start; it comes across as parol.
Have someone, who hasn't already read your work, read it aloud to you and you may see what I mean. =]

At any rate, the information is interesting and is headed in a good direction, but don't force it all to happen at once.
This appears as if it is a summary of a full chapter, you should expand on it a great deal more and emphasise your main points whilst giving them purpose and creative design.
Don't rush the story. =]

[theBreadSultan]

Brilliant - thats exactly what i'm going for.

I don't want the descriptions to flow,

I want the image, or scene, or emotion to form as a kernel in the mind of the reader.

by slowing the reader down, you get more of a sense of the scene.
also by putting the descriptions into simple word idea's - for me it makes it more vivid to read.

I could write paragraphs depicting an apc driving through a storm
but for me to distil it into 3 lines of text, and still have everything there is better.

I want the reader to imagine the scene themselves -
the point of the scene for me is the imagery or as backdrop to where the story takes place.

If the reader gets the "vibe" im kicking then thats description done well.
and descriptions should always be used to impart some kind of connection or emotion in relation to the story - and be concise.

also I find it makes a nice contrast between the "action" scenes, as those are written with maximum flow in mind.
-

but the crucial question is - if you picked this up and read this first page - would it peak your interest?
would you want to carry on reading?

there is nothing about any of the characters here - though they are in the very next paragraph

[X-M-O]

Personally, I don't stop reading until I've completely finished reading the material (whatever material it is). This is because I don't simply give up on a book or periodical without getting to the end; that's when I decide if I like it or not.

Not everyone is similar to me in that way, but I would say that it may be frustrating for some readers to read in the way you are writing. However, if you lose a few readers to that, then so be it. I think you should continue to work towards whatever style you feel is best for the material you are writing. =]

[theBreadSultan]

thanks for the input

[Sparrowsmith]

Well you probably don't care what I have to say... But here we go.

You pay attention to the wrong things. A story's introduction is its most powerful theme. Think of it like a film, the opening with someone smiling or crying will be emotional based, one which focuses on an ominous force (magic perhaps) is usually about that ominous force.
Yours begins with the exterior of the traveling vehicle. The team are not only secondary, but entirely unimportant. The planet is unimportant. Everything is unimportant except the vehicle and the mission.
There's no human connection at all

You might think that's all well and good, but who will the story follow With neither a character nor an inciting event, all the audience has to work with is a vehicle moving... It's just a presentation for an armored space vehicle.

To make this a story, give them an interior to work with. Not pointless mechanics, fit that into dialogue, and give them something to relate to. Don't talk in riddles either, cut to the chase. It seems like you really beat around the bush.
As far as knowing what you're writing about, job well done, I get the feeling you really know where this is going, but language wise it is fairly poor.

[X-M-O]

Well you probably don't care what I have to say... But here we go.

You pay attention to the wrong things. A story's introduction is its most powerful theme. Think of it like a film, the opening with someone smiling or crying will be emotional based, one which focuses on an ominous force (magic perhaps) is usually about that ominous force.
Yours begins with the exterior of the traveling vehicle. The team are not only secondary, but entirely unimportant. The planet is unimportant. Everything is unimportant except the vehicle and the mission.
There's no human connection at all

You might think that's all well and good, but who will the story follow With neither a character nor an inciting event, all the audience has to work with is a vehicle moving... It's just a presentation for an armored space vehicle.

To make this a story, give them an interior to work with. Not pointless mechanics, fit that into dialogue, and give them something to relate to. Don't talk in riddles either, cut to the chase. It seems like you really beat around the bush.
As far as knowing what you're writing about, job well done, I get the feeling you really know where this is going, but language wise it is fairly poor.

I agree on most points here, but I would like to mention that there are quite a few successful writings that begin by describing completely unimportant action/environment prior to getting into the substance of the writing.
So in this case it may not do as great a job of that (language-wise), but it can still be good introduction material if given the chance - and a few edits. =]

I do, however, strongly agree with Sparrowsmith in terms of "cutting to the chase". Whilst an introduction can have the elements you've supplied, they shouldn't drag on to the second page without getting into the part of the story that really matters.
I mentioned before that you should avoid rushing the story, however a more clear meaning to what I said would be: you do need to get to the story quickly enough to attract your audience but don't jump to the climax too soon. =]