Life's Grip - A Drafted Poem, Currently Expiriencing with poems and the like. Options

[Essenceblade]

So, I've been studying quite a bit of Literature and Poem composure from my GCSE recently, and I thought I'd have a shot at a rough draft poem.

Life's Grip:

Life's grip is far too tight, yet it can easily let the most important things slip out of sight.

Like how a roses petals falls one by one, the same will happen to all our hopes and dreams, gone.

One must shed a light to see through the darkened veil, one must be the ray of hope that we can all trail.

The eye of a pupil is our light of guidance.

We use them everyday, but do we appreciate for what they do?

Though some may deny it, we can hear sound with our eyes.

The true sound of music is where a melody lies.

A harps melody is yet sad but true.

Its notes ring our ears in a beautiful yet subdued hue.

Listening, and looking up to the starry sky, One dream is all I seek.

The soft wind waters my eyes but the emotion of sorrow is what I reek.

The birds call is ringing both my ears left and right,

But all I seek is that not letting my one dream fall out of sight.

My eyes listen to the calls of the avian,

my eyes glimmer from their melodic tunes.

The stars serve as helping hands.

They bring hope, guidance and tranquility to our lands. Never cast away its dim but sure light.

For looking up and asking the question is what's right.

Lonesome shadow.

Why do you hide? Like positive and negative, we can never collide.

I hope someday we see through the hassle we both shed pain for.

All I desire is that we can reunite again, once more.

Any form of advise is welcome, because I want to practise my Poem Writing further.

This post has been edited by Essenceblade: Nov 22 2011, 06:42 PM

[X-M-O]

Sounds like you are working on the structure more than the meaning; that's not to say that meaning isn't there, rather that it doesn't seem to be the priority.

I would recommend writing down what you really want to say before writing it as a poem, and then if it rhymes then fine; if not, then don't force it to. Not all poetry rhymes, nor should it. =]

[Essenceblade]

I see where you're coming from. I tend to just write things down and then evaluate on that "base", which leads me astray of things often. It is true that the structure does outbalance the meaning, and I will attempt to edit it to an equal meaning.

Thanks for the critique.