QUOTE (Sparrowsmith @ Jan 14 2011, 01:27 PM)
I'm not sure what it is, but I just didn't feel captivated by the stories. The openings were fine, great even, but they declined from there. I could give you some advice on loops. Loops are basically a question the audience asks, and is then answered by the writer.
The only loop really made is 'What happened last night' and 'what was in the closet'.
Try and establish the character a bit deeper, and get some more loops going (I really don't know enough about loops to help any more than that.)
Also note that some loops do not have to be questions.
For example, your primary character could say something that implies knowledge that the audience doesn't have, and the secondary character could give some information that explains that missing information without having it be a "questionnaire".
Good advice Sparrowsmith.
Oh, and I didn't remark on any misspellings or grammatical errors because those can always be edited. The real critique is in the "nut" of the writing.
("Nut" is journalist jargon for "pith".)