My games story, The story to my game (very rough DRAFT) Options

[markchapman10]

This is the basic back story of my game, This is also a rough draft of what I have re-wrote once as to make some since, lol, this is only my first game story that I have wrote, so go easy on the critique.

[Show/Hide] The story

Story
Once upon a time, there was an old man, this old man was a smith, although not a regular weapon and armor smith but a jewelry smith. This old man crafted the most expensive and high quality jewels in the world, A king had heard of this man, and wanted to pay him a visit. The king road seven days and seven nights getting to the old man, fighting off bandits, slime's, and goblins. When the King finally found the location of the old man, the old man told the king that he would only make one thing for the king for the old man was sickly and didn't want to craft anything else. The king then had a spacial amulet made. The king then graciously paid the man, and started the journey home, the king had intended to get the amulet for his dieing wife, she had fallen badly ill and the king didn't expect her to make it. The king fought the seven days and nights back to his castle to find his wife dead. The king outraged started into a Rage fit and slammed the doors to his wife's room and never came out. The kings servants came to the door every day till the king died to try to give him food, but the king rejected it. After the king died the servants left the castle, the castle after many years of setting idle started to decay, bandits came and went as they pleased, although no one ever found the amulet.
Four hundred years later a band of traders came across the decayed castle and bedded down for the night, they heard moans and yells through out the castle and started growing eerie, they searched and searched the castle and never found anyone, although they did find the amulet, glowing white in the dark. They debated for a while before taking it but when they picked the amulet up the king's soul then merged with the traders soul. The trader screamed with pain as the twos souls merged, after a few minutes the king was then telling the trader the story about how he obtained the enchanted amulet, and the only way to free his soul is to find the old jeweler that crafted the amulet and destroy him, for he was possessed by a demon that was working for Lucifer to collect souls. The king then told the trader to find a worthy adventurer to help free his soul, then he will give them further information.
Years went by as the traders grew fond of the king, having a friend in a piece of jewelry eventually wasn't as weird after a while and the pain of the merging souls was no longer a burden. One night a monster visited them while they was camping on the road to south road. The monster demanded the amulet, one of the traders Spursh, was an excellent swordsman, he had been protecting them on there adventures and knew how to protect himself. Spursh beat the demon into submission and asked why he needed the amulet, and who sent him. The demon said that Lucifer demanded the amulet for the magic of the kings soul that was bound in the amulet, was far more powerful then any human could even comprehend. The traders then started taking the king serious and searching out for a worthy gov to help with there new journey.
Later that month the travelers was searching in a cave for sell-able goods when a human-ish form came and wanted something, although they knew they played stupid. Another voice then rang out into the darkness and shed light on the traders, and spooked the human-ish thing away. The traders then thought about testing the one who saved them to see if he was the one.

I probly should have said this earlier, the voice thang rang out into the darkness and shed light on the situation was the player, the game starts off a just when the traders go into the cave.

This post has been edited by markchapman10: Nov 13 2012, 06:54 AM

[Clord]

Well for starters, it was hard to read.

I know that generally when one reads fiction, there is things what should not be questioned but... I was wondering why the Lucifer waits over 400 years to obtain the Amulet if he knows where it is? Is there some kind of logical reasoning for that? Not that it needs one, but it would make the storyline a bit better.

"Later that month the travelers was searching in a cave for sell-able goods when a human-ish form came and wanted something, although they knew they played stupid. Another voice then rang out into the darkness and shed light on the traders, and spooked the human-ish thing away. The traders then thought about testing the one who saved them to see if he was the one. "

This part made no sense in the end. Who was one of what? Chosen one? But who they assume, what to be?

Stuff like what this so called power the King's soul possess can be of course explained later if at all.

[markchapman10]

Well for starters, it was hard to read.

I know that generally when one reads fiction, there is things what should not be questioned but... I was wondering why the Lucifer waits over 400 years to obtain the Amulet if he knows where it is? Is there some kind of logical reasoning for that? Not that it needs one, but it would make the storyline a bit better.

"Later that month the travelers was searching in a cave for sell-able goods when a human-ish form came and wanted something, although they knew they played stupid. Another voice then rang out into the darkness and shed light on the traders, and spooked the human-ish thing away. The traders then thought about testing the one who saved them to see if he was the one. "

This part made no sense in the end. Who was one of what? Chosen one? But who they assume, what to be?

Stuff like what this so called power the King's soul possess can be of course explained later if at all.

The traders was on there way to the town of (town name) for there monthly trade route when they stopped at a cave to rest, it being a hot day the cave was cool and as they approached they noticed a small body of water setting in the middle of the cave. The traders walked in and sat by the water as they rested and cooled down. The cave was dark, and the traders as was old and couldn't see well, as it was. Berker the so called leader of the two heard something at the entrance of the cave, Berker stood up and turned around to see a blue character, human shape was all he could tell of it. It slowly made its way over to the duo when another voice came ringing out, is there any one here!? the one shadowy figure vanished as a blind and green figure came into focus. The three of them headed the rest of the way to town to talk the events over.

I re did it, maybe this makes a little bit more since? Also the game picks up here so the rest is explained in the game from there

This post has been edited by markchapman10: Nov 13 2012, 11:47 AM