Gaia's Epic Love Poem, Untitled and as of yet, unfinished! Options

[Dark Gaia]

Hey everyone! As everyone around here probably knows, I like to write a lot. Specifically, I write short stories and novels. However, I occasionally take a crack at writing a small poem. Usually, I don't get very far - I can write short, one stanza poems that read fairly well, but I've never been able to go much further.

Hence, it came as a big shock to me when, in the middle of my Anthropology class (of all places) when I became struck with the urge to write an epic love poem. It's currently not finished, and the title isn't yet final, but I'm tremendously happy with the six verses I've written so far, so I thought I'd show it off!

The Heart's Last Battle

Where nothingness exists,
What lies beyond the sun?
Nothing but impenetrable darkness,
A suffocating mist.
I shall board a ship to blackness,
Make a journey to the unknown,
To where danger lurks just beyond my sanity,
And the only safe place is at home.

I travel down a river filled with blood,
What remains of those who’ve passed before.
I’m determined not to be pulled under,
For to falter is to die,
That is written in this land’s laws.
But here is where emotions have their birth,
I am swept away in a maelstrom,
Where to me escape is impossible,
Because I fear of being wrong.

I struggle against the tides,
Trying to pull myself to the surface above,
I reject the void and to safety I move closer,
In my mind’s eye I see what I’m fighting for,
And I find my strength in love.

So now I stand upon the precipice
The crimson waves far below.
My next challenge looms ahead,
A towering, demonic edifice.
I find myself wondering how to proceed:
How to fight through this nightmare,
To a place where no paths seem to lead.

At the castle gates a furious battle is waged,
The forces of light and of darkness clash,
Logic and reason become meaningless,
Emotion comes together in an unholy embrace.
I watch the soldiers fight from afar,
Their numbers swell and fall,
But the outcome cannot yet be determined,
So my heartbeat slows to a crawl.

As the battle rages around me,
I calm myself and wait.
My hands grasped tightly on my sword,
Waiting for the right time to strike,
Before it is too late.
The castle gates are flung open,
As the forces of light prevail,
And I plunge myself into the dark depths,
Where all will be revealed.

As I journey through the darkness,
Iron resolve lights my way.
I press onward, fighting my demons,
My courage keeps them at bay.
I keep fighting this battle I cannot lose,
I'll fight the forces of Hell itself,
If what I'm fighting for is you.

At last I come to the throne room,
Ready to take on whatever awaits,
I’ll fight to the death here,
Where endless darkness looms.
The demon king leaps forward to confront me,
But his fate is already sealed.
I thrust my blade forward into his neck,
Strengthened because my love for you is real.

[LiberalElephant]

"I keep fighting this battle I cannot lose,
I'll fight the forces of Hell itself,
If what I'm fighting for is you. "


Powerful ending, man. You're a great writer, keep it up.

[Ereth]

An okay start---but at this stage, I don't see much that really grabs a reader's attention. The imagery is very generic---hearts of darkness, rivers of blood, iron resolve "lighting the speaker's way," as you put it---there's nothing particularly unique or descriptive. Everything is same-y, so to speak. It gets in the way of the emotional force you mean to convey. Let me explain. So the speaker's crossing a river of blood? Great! But are you really going to stop there? At what temperature is this river? Are there chunks of flesh and bits of bone floating in it? How is the castle nightmarish? Does it reek of rotting corpses? Are there horrible noises coming from within?

You get the idea. There's no need to weigh down the poem with too much description, but you've got to have something. It's better to show than it is to tell, and what I see so far is awfully talky. "But emotions have their birth" confuses the heck out of me. It's really vague. Yes, the speaker's despairing, but what exactly is going on? Is he or she crying? Screaming? What?

Other points:

1. "With bated breath" is so overused. You can express the speaker's fear and indecision by showing the effect of the trek and coming battle. But if you must use the line, "baited" should be "bated."

2. The last line of the second stanza sounds somewhat awkward and choppy. You don't need the "of." If you remove it, it'll flow much more smoothly.

3. You use lots of commas. Don't be afraid of other bits of punctuation! Many of these commas could be periods or semicolons. You could also go without for any line. And never ever underestimate the power of the empty space. You can use line breaks to punctuate important parts of the poem and create a stimulating visual at the same time.

I hope I've provided some worthwhile feedback. Thanks for sharing this with us!

[Dark Gaia]

In fact, the first stanza is a reference to Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. That's what we were studying in literary studies at the time. Remember, I wrote most of this in class and off the top of my head as well, so it kind of loses the point and jumps around a bit. It does need some work. I was originally writing about colonialism, but then it changed into something different. Later, I decided that it seemed that love, and the struggle between light and dark were prominent themese. I really just wrote what I thought sounded good, with no thought for the symbolic elements or thematic qualities. It really shows that it hasn't really been planned out. You must understand that I wrote this in about twenty minutes because I was bored, but I am now endeavouring to improve it, since I usually write novels, not poems, and this is the longest poem I've written ever.

I was never really one for rhythm though. That I feel is a matter of personal taste. I do try to include rhymes or slant rhymes when possible, but I don't use any particular number of them in each stanza or spaced evenly apart.

Thanks for reading though!

[bacon]

I agree with erith. Some of your descriptions are overused. No matter what you are trying to describe, having descriptions that are generic and overused make the poem seem generic and overused as well. You want to provide some more originality with your descriptions. Also you should definitely throw in some more verbs. If you are trying to set up a thematic it would be better to show it and not tell it. I think that would improve your poem.

I think that you should work on putting more "love" in there as well. Right now, the whole love thing seems tied to the end of the poem.

The whole rhyme and rhythm is a little odd. I understand you are not much for rhythm, but I think it would help your poem flow better. You start to set up rhythm but then kill it in a matter of a few lines and then start a totally different rhythm. Its a little awkward to read sometimes. Its like changing a beat randomly in a song every 15 seconds. Same with the rhyme scheme. I would really try to stay consistent. I mean you could do something like off the walls but you establish different schemes and it is rather confusing.

Anyways I think you should tweak this a little more and play around with it and see where it takes you.

[an uncanny otter]

thank god you protected your epic love poem under international law, we were beginning to get a little worried there

[Dark Gaia]

@bacon: Yes, I agree fully. As I said, this was written without much planning or forethought, but I'm cleaning it up as I go. The reason I posted it here in this state is to gather feedback (as you've given me) and I plan on refining it some more and then sending it to the literary journal that is run at my university. I do also understand your misgivings about the rhythm, but this is a free verse poem and it follows a trend set by modern writers to pretty much forgo rhythm entirely. I personally did not notice that the rhythm was annoying, but I'll keep that in mind.

@the uncanny otter: I'm a published career writer. I have to include the disclaimer with all of my work. Did you really have to come and post in here to mock me? If you're not interested in what I posted, you don't have to say anything. The fact is that I've had work stolen before (not on this site) and as per the suggestion of my publishers, I've had to make perfectly clear that my work is protected in case it happens again. This poem is nothing special, but as I intend on submitting it to a peer reviewed journal, I need to take that precaution.

[X-M-O]

Hey Gaia.
I am terrible at working with poetry because it doesn't inspire me as much as a good novel does, so I share your difficulty in making it as good as my novel or theatre script writing.
I generally see poetry as something that should flow well and be quite easy to read (even if it makes no sense when the words are put together).
My opinion is similar to bacon's in that the poem needs to flow much better, and perhaps be cleaner in its rhythm.

I do, however, like the environment that you are creating with the poem and think that you could make it more descriptive without making it too much longer (perhaps some "story clarity" with concise wording would do).

Great work, keep it up!

[Dark Gaia]

Hmm, it's not really so much the simple descriptions that bother me (it's supposed to be vague) but I'll work on making it flow a bit better. Now you can see why I'm much better at writing narratives. I can write a fairly fluid narrative, but I've always thought that poems can be much more emotive than a story can. There's not really much point having a story in a poem, so that leaves pure emotion. In this poem, most of what happens is a metaphor. The character isn't actually travelling through a dark land or fighting demons, it's a metaphor for learning to cope with feelings, gaining the courage to act on them and silencing the tiny voices of regret that go along with that. Ultimately, it's about finding the courage to declare that you love someone. Kind of strange since I'm not in love with anyone at the moment, but I have been once, and this draws from that. Hence, it's supposed to be vague - it's trying to convey the uncertainty and cognitive dissonance of deciding whether or not to take the plunge and act on an impulse.

Perhaps if I add two or three more lines to each stanza, I could add a little more description and "story clarity" - if I then make sure to include one rhyme or slant ryhme in each of these three line additions, it would help the rhythm, too. I didn't really give a thought to rhythm, though perhaps I ought to edit it so that each stanza has a similar number of rhymes/slant rhymes and that these occur in similar places.

I'll refine it some more tonight and I'll post up the edited poem once I'm done.

[Ereth]

There's not really much point having a story in a poem, so that leaves pure emotion.

That depends on what you're trying to write. While it's true that many poems aren't really telling a story (at least in the strictest sense of the word), epic poems, for example, are lengthy narratives. They are stories. I'm sure you've read Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, at least. Beowulf is another epic, as is Milton's Paradise Lost.

In this poem, most of what happens is a metaphor. The character isn't actually travelling through a dark land or fighting demons, it's a metaphor for learning to cope with feelings, gaining the courage to act on them and silencing the tiny voices of regret that go along with that. Ultimately, it's about finding the courage to declare that you love someone. Kind of strange since I'm not in love with anyone at the moment, but I have been once, and this draws from that. Hence, it's supposed to be vague - it's trying to convey the uncertainty and cognitive dissonance of deciding whether or not to take the plunge and act on an impulse.

Metaphors by their very nature tend to be the opposite of vague. You tell us the poem's supposed to be about the uncertainty of love, but that doesn't mean the thing has to read like it's been dyed with dishwater (no offense).

I'm looking forward to seeing the rest. Good luck!

[Dark Gaia]

Yes, yes, I understand. To be honest, I'm not really sure what I want out of this poem, nor what I'm aiming for. I'm pretty crap when it comes to the technical side of things - I just write what I think flows good and what I feel is emotive.

I've read those epic poems you've mentioned, but they are (in all fairness) much longer than my poem. They are true epics, pages long! My humble poem isn't quite an epic yet.

EDIT: I've now cleaned it up a bit more. It's still not done, but check the OP anyway for the changes.

[Ereth]

I am by no means holding you to the standards set by the epics I listed----I only mentioned them because you said you didn't see much point to having a narrative in a poem. I just found that odd because you're taking a stab at writing an epic, which are stories in poetic form.

I see you've played with punctuation a bit. Yay! It really makes everything so much more defined and punchy when used judiciously.

This post has been edited by Ereth: Apr 19 2011, 03:20 PM

[Dark Gaia]

Yes, well, it's rather odd for me too. I rarely write one verse poems, let alone poems this long. I don't know what prompted me to try. Anyway, I cleaned it up and added a more prominent narrative behind it.

Good luck with your essay! I have a Term Paper to write sometime in the next few days myself (but procrastinating is more fun).