Long-distance relationships Options

[Spirit_Master_X]

I need some advice...Well my girlfriend of 7 months has recently told me that she wanted to teach in China for a whole year...At first I was hesitant and didn't want her to go. After a while, I'm starting to realize that this is something she wants to do. A half of me wants her to go...the other half doesn't. What I'am afraid of is that our relationship won't last for that long no matter how much effort we put in to try and make it work. She is cute, asian, adventerous, curious, and always wants to experience new things. She is really guy friendly...and call it insecurity or lack of trust or whatever, but this scares me. If she goes abroad, is it possible she would start seeing someone else?

Being in a different country for that long without your significant other changes you...doesn't it? She will be meeting new people, experiencing new things...etc.

Well, just recently I talked to her about it and was being realistic about things...and it seems that she was concerned about her, or me slipping up as well. She told me that if I slipped up and had sex with someone else...she would understand because she knows how hard it will be being away from each other. I told her that if she slipped up I don't think I would be able to trust her when she returns home. This is a tough decision for her...and I've been encouraging her to go lately...although on the inside I don't want her to.

I just want to know, if anyone has experienced this type of long-distance relationship before...What REALLY happens when one person goes away for that long? will it be easier if we just break up and maybe hope to get back together when she gets back?

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Feb 21 2013, 04:36 PM

[UmbrotheUmbreon]

As someone who's only ever had long distance relationships, it definitely will test the bonds between the two of you. You are right, it won't be easy, and it is hard. People can change in the course of a year. If this scares you then maybe some friendly advice might help to keep things together.

1. Internet exists (obviously). If you miss seeing her or her miss you, then try a video call with skype or some other program that allows it. The more often you two see each other the less likely you are to fall for someone else.

2. Trust in yourself as much as you should trust in her. Trust is the key ingredient to any relationship, no matter who or what status. If you feel yourself slipping just remember the good things about her and the good times you have. Remember why it is you love her, and keep true to that.

3. If sex is an issue there is always masturbation and porn. I mean this in a professional, mature way, and not from a perverted or humorous side.

I am not the best counselor, but I hope I've helped in someway. I know how it feels to not be around the one you love .w.

[Spirit_Master_X]

Communication is going to be tough because when she leaves I will have to move back home. At home I have no internet connection. I will probably have to go to a public place or go to my sisters...which I obviously can't do all the time. Not only that but the time difference will be an issue as well.

[UmbrotheUmbreon]

You can try writing letters, maybe make some videos and post them on YouTube and send the links over so that only you two can see them. These things can be done should you two not get a chance to video call. Just remember that there is also regular calling if it's possible.

I'm wishing you two luck in whatever happens though. I tried to do the best I could to help, so I just hope everything turns out for the better

[Spirit_Master_X]

Well we talked about it and I asked her could she go a whole year without sex...and she said no...So now I'm wondering..."Why are we even doing this? why am I here?"

[UmbrotheUmbreon]

She can't masturbate or anything like that? I'm probably the wrong guy to talk to about this subject, as I have 0 exp points about it .w.

[Spirit_Master_X]

She said she would...but after she told me that I just don't know if she will keep her word.

This post has been edited by Spirit_Master_X: Feb 21 2013, 08:29 PM

[UmbrotheUmbreon]

Remember, trust is a key role in any relationship. I know it's hard, believe me. I dated someone from the UK and I live in the US. Was best 6 months of my life despite it being overseas love. You have to have faith, and if she loves you she'll keep her word. As hard as it may seem you gotta try and give her a chance. If it is for something she has dreamed of doing, then putting faith in her should make her want to keep her word even more.

[Redd]

Bro, just keep it fresh. Make sure you Skype or call every once in a while (DON'T text or email, that's bad..), maybe send her some things every now and then, like goodies or other signs of affection. This will tell her that you really do want to be with her, you know?
If she does end up finding a different dude, then it was meant to happen. Maybe her destiny is to go to China and find a dude there that she gets married to and together they find the cure for cancer. Okay, maybe not THAT drastic. But what kind of man would you be to hold her back from that?
If she wants to go, you should let her. Otherwise the relationship will deteriorate anyway, because she immediately thinks that you will be holding her back for the rest of her life if she stays with you.
So just kinda' go with the flow. That's the best advice I can give you and I know I'm only 17, but believe me when I say I have too much experience with ladies.
Hope everything turns out well brotha'! stay strong.

Also, about the sex thing.. I also know that it is quite bad to have a relationship based on sex. Now I'm not saying that you guys have just that.
To most people, a year without sex is like a pain in the ass nightmare, for whatever reason, but it can be good. It can even help establish a stronger relationship than what you had before, curious enough. If you are really longing to make love, and I mean MAKE LOVE, not just the throw-around word "sex," with someone, and you stay true to that and not go waste your love with mindless love, when you see each other again it's an even greater experience than ever.

Basically, just have trust in that the right thing will happen, aight? And if it's with you, that's AWESOME, but if it's with someone else, you gotta' move along.
I guess it's a bit easier for me to say that since I've had to let go so many times, but really, whatever happens is ALWAYS for the best. So just trust in that principal and you'll be fine brother.

[Sparrowsmith]

yeah, it probably will be very tiring. I've seen long distance relationships (hell, mid-distance relationships too) that were pushed to breaking point. At the end of the day, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't try, so you should definitely try, but if the point comes where you feel things are tapering, it can be best to leave it on good terms, and give it another go at a later date. The worst thing you want if you really care about her is for the relationship to end badly. If you have to breakup, or even see other people in the meantime, then that's better than cheating and never being able to be together again. Seeing other people can often give perspective as well. If either of you meet someone who makes you happier, then it's for the best, and if not, then you know even more that you two are right for each other.
Don't get too bogged down in the whole thing either. Act natural and don't force it. If either of you too have to force yourself to be in the relationship, it'll just make things worse in the long run.
Basically, try. Try and if it doesn't seem to be working, talk. And if talking doesn't help, then try to end it on good terms, or go on a break, or talk about exclusivity. At the end of the day, so long as you don't look back with regret, then you did all you could.

[amerk]

My wife and I had to endure long distance for about a full year when we were just dating. It takes work, for sure, but it was worth the effort. However, I'd question your own insecurity regardless of the distance. If you are having doubts about the relationship, then you're dooming yourself to a relationship of distrust, real and false imaginings, and potential hurt. You can't build a relationship without trust.

However, it's really her decision, and holding her back could have ugly consequences in the future, especially if she begins to feel you don't trust her, or that you're holding her back. By letting her go, you show that you are making an effort, and that you trust her. If she follows through with it, keeps that trust, and comes back after a year, your relationship will be that much stronger. And if she breaks that trust, or you hers, then it has nothing to do with long distance so much as the relationship wasn't going anywhere anyways.

You should be more worried about missing her than fearing whether or not she will cheat on you.

[Jonnie19]

I've gotta agree with what everyone says here. It's shouldn't be about sex. It should be about how far apart from the other person you are. It should be focusing on the times you've been together and also the time you WILL have in the future.

I spent a few months away from my fiancee and two chidren, it was a NIGHTMARE, but I never focused on whether she'll have sex with someone else or fall in love with some else I was too busy missing her, planing what we're gonna do when we're together.

I knew that my partner loved me for who I am, so it didn't even cross my mind. If the concept of either of you cheating on each other is going through either one of your heads, than there is something wrong with the relationship. Trust is KEY

[Spirit_Master_X]

Thanks guys for all the advice. Recently, she told me that she wanted me to come with her. I haven't been this undecided before in my life. There isn't really anything for me here. Of course I can always go back to community college and get those refund checks and try and look for a job...but in all honesty, that community college wasn't really working for me. Even if I attend, I won't be able to finish by the time she comes back. So I was thinking of taking online courses if I decide to go with her. On the other hand if I do decide to go...I will be missing my family and friends but at least I will be comfortable knowing that I will be experiencing a different country with my love.

Which comes to a couple of questions...
1.) What do I need in order to move to another country for a year? She will be going on a student working visa, but for someone like myself who probably wouldn't be working...what would I need?

2.) If you guys were in this situation would you go? or stay?

Personally, I'm beginning to feel that if I don't go then I will be unhappy. I know a guy isn't suppose to follow some girl around everywhere, but she and I have experienced something that neither of us have experienced with anyone else before. This whole distance thing is one huge risk, gambling etc. I can't risk this relationship...I just can't.

I don't know what to do honestly...it's killing us right now. We had mixed reactions about it almost ALL the time...and its really beginning to make us angry at the fact that we have to go through this.

[Redd]

I would go with her. Worst case, you're in a different, awesome country XD
I don't know exactly what you'd have to do to go there though, as I've never been outside of the country.
I say, do anything to make your love last. I always say "If you're going to do something, put your full heart into it." That's what I do with my music. If you really want something, DO IT. Don't just dilly dally and wonder if it will work or not, put everything you've got into it. If you don't want it, don't want it. If you do want it, actually GO FOR IT. You know?

[Spirit_Master_X]

Well, after spending a weekend vacation with her she found out that she has been accepted into the program (Going to China for a whole year) and reality set in and alerted me that I will not be able to go. I can always try, just my financial state. So the long distance relationship thing is bound. A lot of people are asking me how I feel about it...and honestly...I don't know. I'am angry, sad, and happy for her all at the same time. We talked about and expressed our fears also. She stated that she fears that I will fall out of love, and I fear that she will get so wrapped up in her new life that I will just become a "face" on her computer screen. The reality is, she is going to a new and different enviroment (different sights, people, fun) while I'm the one being left behind (same sights, people, fun) She is a VERY open person and a bit too nice for her own good, that she can come off as flirtatious, but she swears up and down she doesn't realize she's flirting until another person hits on her. I asked her ifd she can remain faithful and if she trusts herself to remain loyal to me while she is over there and she said yes. I've read plenty stories about my exact same situation where the girl claim she would be faithful and end up seeing someone else. The fact that she is highly attractive, open, nice, sociable, wanting to go out and have fun, and a little needy, I think that could pose a problem.

She is just about to finish college, and our lease will end in June. She wants to find an apartment close by so we can keep our part time jobs here...but I don't know. She's leaving in September, so I'm wondering why should I get an apartment with her and use my money to pay for rent when she is leaving anyway?

Overall, here is what I'am concluding...no expectations. Since no one can predict the future, I won't expect for this to turn out good, nor am I expecting this to turn out bad. We will never know what will go on in our lives unless we tell each other EVERYTHING...On my part, I'm afraid I won't be the same while she is away. This is a relationship I always wanted ti keep, but statistics and everything else that involves this same exact situation is telling me that ANYTHING GOES from that point on. That is way too much of a gamble. While some would say this will be a true test of our bond, I think it's stupid. Why risk something that you truly love?

But the way I'm taking it now is...it is what it is. Every positive word that comes out of my mouth to help her get through her sadness...eventually hurts me (the person who is saying these positive things) because I don't want to say them. I'm lying to myself when I try to lift her spirits to be strong throughout this experience. I feel obliged to say them because I don't want to have to say them..."Goodbye" etc.

I know I can stay faithful, but knowing the type of girl she is...I'm not sure if she will be. GRRRRRR!!!!!!! I don't know! It may sound like I don't trust her, this also sounds like that I do trust her to go. This sounds like I don't trust myself, and it also sounds like I do trust myself to wait for her. This is exactly what I mean when I say everything is on the line and everything is 50/50. I hate this situation. If she stays she may resent me, if she goes...I may resent her if something was to happen. You're not suppose to deal in "what ifs" but this whole thing is a "what if" and it's pissing me off. I honestly don't know how to handle this situation other than move on, but don't tell her I'm moving on.

*sighs*

I just want to die. The most painful part? the pending time.

[Magical_RuNE_Kni...]

Well, as a girl myself (and an asian one too : o) i think... I can provide feedback on this.
My dating experience isnt very good at all though. Lol.

...
I will say though that im a pretty flirtatious person as well. And i think im pretty sociable, i like going out and love mingling anyways. And i am pretty guy friendly.

... I will also say though that tbh, if i was in a foreign country, let alone for 1 year, i personally could imagine myself not necessarily cheating, but perhaps acting a bit too interested in certain circumstances. Like if u were clubbing or out late with alcohol or other drugs.

Not all her interactions will always have flirting though. And even still, sure, the flirting can be fun, but it'll never replace that emotional bond u have/ had.
If u guys have a great relationship, and if u both sufficiently trust and love each other, she would have no reason to leave you.
The guys who could be threats would prolly b players w/ poor English too (lol), further discouraging any swaying interest.
Besides, she would see you on a regular basis, and she has already discussed future plans w/ u, which are good signs.

U could even argue that she would also want to remain faithful because she's Asian. The ideal of "saving face" and remaining honourable/ faithful to your lover would make cheating even worse.


If u still have doubts, u can consider asking urself:
- was she unfaithful in other past relationships?
- have u had issues w/ her being unfaithful in your current relationship?
- does she regularly keep in contact w/ family/ friends? Do they know u?
- Is she conservative? Rebellious/ a risk-taker?
- How is her composure in social outings? How does alcohol affect her?

Try not to think about her too much. Also realize the positives of her/ this experience: life is a 50/50 game of good and bad after all, and its not fair to you or her to only expect the worst of it.

Remember: ** "What does she like about you? What positive qualities do you possess?" **
I hope you think especially hard on this last question.



Because you can influence people

but you cannot control them

no matter how hard you try

beg

or love.

[Resource Dragon]

Well, as a girl myself (and an asian one too : o) i think... I can provide feedback on this.
My dating experience isnt very good at all though. Lol.

...
I will say though that im a pretty flirtatious person as well. And i think im pretty sociable, i like going out and love mingling anyways. And i am pretty guy friendly.

... I will also say though that tbh, if i was in a foreign country, let alone for 1 year, i personally could imagine myself not necessarily cheating, but perhaps acting a bit too interested in certain circumstances. Like if u were clubbing or out late with alcohol or other drugs.

Not all her interactions will always have flirting though. And even still, sure, the flirting can be fun, but it'll never replace that emotional bond u have/ had.
If u guys have a great relationship, and if u both sufficiently trust and love each other, she would have no reason to leave you.
The guys who could be threats would prolly b players w/ poor English too (lol), further discouraging any swaying interest.
Besides, she would see you on a regular basis, and she has already discussed future plans w/ u, which are good signs.

U could even argue that she would also want to remain faithful because she's Asian. The ideal of "saving face" and remaining honourable/ faithful to your lover would make cheating even worse.


If u still have doubts, u can consider asking urself:
- was she unfaithful in other past relationships?
- have u had issues w/ her being unfaithful in your current relationship?
- does she regularly keep in contact w/ family/ friends? Do they know u?
- Is she conservative? Rebellious/ a risk-taker?
- How is her composure in social outings? How does alcohol affect her?

Try not to think about her too much. Also realize the positives of her/ this experience: life is a 50/50 game of good and bad after all, and its not fair to you or her to only expect the worst of it.

Remember: ** "What does she like about you? What positive qualities do you possess?" **
I hope you think especially hard on this last question.



Because you can influence people

but you cannot control them

no matter how hard you try

beg

or love.

[Magical_RuNE_Kni...]

@Resource: O gawd, wow lol thanks for that haha. XD >< i didnt think it sounded that good.
im hoping it has meaning for the OP.

[Spirit_Master_X]

Well to answer some of those questions.

- was she unfaithful in other past relationships?
Yes. Two. She cheated on the first one and ran away with the guy she was messing around with out of spite. Because her boyfriend cheated on her. Second boyfriend, she was engaged but found him boring to her...and so she started getting closer and closer towards me...and now we're here.

- have u had issues w/ her being unfaithful in your current relationship?
Not really...she hasn't really given me a reason not to trust her.

- does she regularly keep in contact w/ family/ friends? Do they know u?
Sometimes she talks to her mom and her sister. Do they know me? O_O....no. They'll probably kill me...

- Is she conservative? Rebellious/ a risk-taker?
She is a little bit of all. She likes saving money, she likes being a tad bit rebellious, and she loves taking risks.

- How is her composure in social outings? How does alcohol affect her?
In social events (parties, club etc.) she has that "I know I'm sexy but you can't get it.) type of attitude. She told me before she use to like getting attention from guys, and she can have all attention on her at times. When she is drunk, she wants to do EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE to have fun and party. She is pretty sociable in these situations and isn't afraid to respond when a guy/girl talk to her.

[Magical_RuNE_Kni...]

was she unfaithful in other past relationships? - Yes. Two. She cheated on the first one and ran away with the guy she was messing around with out of spite. Because her boyfriend cheated on her. Second boyfriend, she was engaged but found him boring to her...and so she started getting closer and closer towards me...and now we're here.

Hmm. That's not very good, but at the same time, it's kind of understandable; the guy hurt her, she wanted a sort of emotional payback, and so she picked a guy but (unsurprisingly) didnt rly like him.
Just do not ruin her trust and u should b able to trust her.

have u had issues w/ her being unfaithful in your current relationship? - Not really...she hasn't really given me a reason not to trust her.

Good sign. :] Plus she rly wants to b w/ u.

does she regularly keep in contact w/ family/ friends? Do they know u? - Sometimes she talks to her mom and her sister. Do they know me? O_O....no. They'll probably kill me...

Lol; she's prolly a bit undecided about u. But i think she does care a lot.
She wants to b w/ u-- and she's not sure whether telling her parents will threaten that. That, or she's unsure if this relationship will lead to a marriage or engagement. U might feel the same way.

How is her composure in social outings? How does alcohol affect her? - In social events (parties, club etc.) she has that "I know I'm sexy but you can't get it.) type of attitude. She told me before she use to like getting attention from guys, and she can have all attention on her at times. When she is drunk, she wants to do EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE to have fun and party. She is pretty sociable in these situations and isn't afraid to respond when a guy/girl talk to her.

O boi lol. The doing everything + talking to everyone isn't actually that bad though, lots of ppl do that. But if she does that alone/ wont have anyone close in the same area, it seems risky. i'm hoping she isnt the type to wander off alone, or that does regrettable/ ungraceful things.

------------------------------------------

Is the unfaithfulness still an issue? Is debating whether to go w/ her to China still an issue?

Imo, she prolly wont cheat on u. But she will prolly try to have her fun and she will b flirty.
If ur fine w/ that, u can try the long-distance relationship thing. I think it can work, despite the doubts u may have. She rly seems to want to make this work, and she obviously dislikes the idea of cheating.


If ur still rly unsure though, why dont we try thinking of another option: perhaps buy a ticket for China 3 months after her departure date?
There's no rule that says u cant leave later.
That way, u can test whether ur fine in a long-distance relationship-- if its working, u can just stay, but if its not, u can then buy the ticket for 1-3 months ahead of time and join halfway through.
It will still get u an early ticket-buying discount and also give u time to save up.

- Try getting a loan/ student loan, depending on where u live and whether ur still in college. Also try working full-time/ part time.
- Ask/ check whether the ticket is refundable or exchangeable for future travel credit in case.
- Try looking up ticket sales/ offers, taking advantage of newsletter/ membership deals; buy ur ticket on Tuesday.
This is a good article: USA Today Travel Tips.