A story I have developed., Feedbacks, suggestions, comments, criticisms, etc are welcome =) Options

[Kvad]

Hi Guys,

In the past few weeks, I have considering of developing a serious game. Finally, I came up with a story.
The game platform will be RMXP.

The story in a nutshell:

The story revolves around two people and their groups: Charles Velhart and Richard Adelaid. They were once best friends, now rivals. They compete against each other in a pursuit of the honor and prestige that come from capturing Garlan, the mastermind of a rebellious organization by the name of RAVEN (This is a WIP name).

[Show/Hide] The story in details:

Richard Adelaid and Charles Velhart have been best friends ever since they were students at a military academy. Both were excellent students and upon their graduation received an invitation to join an elite force consisting of the best graduates of the kingdom’s military academies. They decided to join.

Two years have passed, and the elite force is now seeking a new commander. Richard and Charles happen to be the most qualified candidates, and both of them are eager for the position. However, there can only be one person for the position, and this triggers a small competition between the two.

As they are debating about who is better and thus should become the commander, the king declares a decree that RAVEN, a rebellious organization, has been gaining power and bound to be a national threat. The current commander of the elite force sees this as an opportunity to decide who shall be his successor. Thus, he announces that the person who successfully captures the leader of RAVEN deserves to be the next commander.

Hence, the two and their groups are on their way to hunt Tybalt Sylvadar, the leader of RAVEN. With a little bit of fortune and extensive planning, they are able locate and raid the organization’s hideout. The raid coincidentally takes place during the visit of Garlan Eldair to the hideout. (Garlan is the arch leader of RAVEN.) Aware that the hideout is being invaded, Tybalt prompts Garlan to flee. A battle inevitably breaks out between Tybalt, Charles, and Richard. Charles defeats Tybalt with a slight fortune, allowing his group to capture Tybalt. As the result, Charles is elected as the new commander. He has proven himself worthy of the position. Richard, on the other hand, returns empty-handed and out of despair decides to quit the military one month later.

Richard closed-mindedly thinks that his dream has been shattered and that all of his efforts have gone to waste because of his failure to fulfill his ambition. He turns to his childhood friend, Tristan Vensel, to share his current situation. Tristan becomes confused, yet emphatic of Richard because he thinks that Richard is an excellent soldier. He assures Richard that his failure is not the end of everything. Still in his denial, Richard takes Tristan’s word into consideration. Suddenly, he remembers of the fact that Garlan is still a runaway. Richard eventually decides to hunt and capture Garlan with his own hands.

At nearly the same time, the king assigns Charles’s infantry an order to capture Garlan and promises a rank advancement if he accomplishes his task. Being the person of the personality he is, Charles takes the order seriously, carefully plans out all of the possible efforts to accomplish the capture. Richard and Charles are once again in a competition against each other; yet this time, they are unaware that they have competitors. Little do they know, Garlan Eldair is planning to revive and control Adranos, the legendary monster said to be the cause of the catastrophe that took place 2500 years ago.

Seeing the competition between Richard and Charles, Garlan takes it as an opportunity to pit the two against each other. Yet Richard and Charles still manage to focus on capturing Garlan.

The rest of the game will primarily focus on the competition between Richard and Charles to hunt down Garlan as well as uncovering RAVEN’s actual motivations and intentions.

Brief Ending:
Garlan is successfully captured, and Richard gains a deeper understanding of himself.

[Show/Hide] Ending in details:

Charles and Richard arrive on RAVEN’s headquarter at nearly the same time. Garlan is present, welcoming the two with a sinister smile. With all sophistication and technologies that RAVEN has acquired through secrecy, Garlan summons Adranos (the final boss of the game, its form resembles a dragon) to defeat the two. Richard and his party immediately engage in the battle with Adranos, successfully defeating it (This, of course, depends on the player). Knowing that Adranos is distracted by Richard & co., Charles takes the advantage of the situation to capture Garlan, and he succeeds. Realizing that he has failed to capture Garlan, Richard once is again consumed by the thought of being a failure. The party reminds Richard of the journey that they have gone through, how Richard’s ambition has changed the lives of other party members. They tell Richard that there is nothing to be regretful of since he has defeated the monster. Richard comes to understand that he might have failed to fulfill his initial goal (which is to capture Garlan), but he has won the hardest battle. A month later, the party is summoned to attend to Charles’s honorary ceremony. Before he delivers his speech, Charles acknowledges to the audience about Richard’s bravery.

The game will be a classic RPG (Golden Sun or FF style) with post-apocalyptic medieval setting.

[elliott20]

post-apocalyptic medieval? I can see how that would look, but I'm not sure I'm seeing it the same way you are. You have any concept design references to help me visualize this?

[Brent Murray]

post-apocalyptic medieval? I can see how that would look, but I'm not sure I'm seeing it the same way you are. You have any concept design references to help me visualize this?

I think I did this once in one of my older projects that is longer with me (god rest its soul...), but it only works as a sci-fi type of cross game, and I'm not sure if this story is going down the same path...but maybe it might work, I dunno.

I like the story thus far, and don't have any problems myself. But I would love to see some more details other than the story itself. You say this is going to be similar to Golden Sun or FF? Either way, the story sounds neat. I can't wait to hear more on the details!

[Mikhail Faulken]

If you want my opinion, I thought it was great until you mentioned "reviving a legendary monster".

[MysTaFoX]

I think the last boss or whatever could be a little more fleshed out than a legendary monster.
Other than that, it seems pretty good, I want to see what you can do with these two rivals.

[Guinevere]

So....
You're saying that these "friends" put personal fortune above friendship?
Backstabbers.....

Anyway. Everyone is right. "Legendary Monster" is a vague and cliched description.

[Kvad]

Thanks for the feedback

post-apocalyptic medieval? I can see how that would look, but I'm not sure I'm seeing it the same way you are. You have any concept design references to help me visualize this?

The game would have a dominant medieval look and tone, but the story would take place in post-apocalyptic era. (similar to the settings of the anime series Scrapped Princess). So, it will look medieval with a small number of remnants from modern days technology scattered around the globe. The current citizens have no idea regarding the deceased advanced civilization that created these remnants. They believe those devices were created by the gods and left behind on earth.

Also, I have developed an alternate story concerning the cliche of the legendary monster: The monster will be an artificial creature which Garlan constructs from scratch. He obtains the knowledge to create artificial living being from a remnant of a bioengineering research paper. Garlan, is one of the few who knows the truth about the technological remnants.

Hopefully this will make the story a lot less cliched.

[MEands]

So I read it, it was a cool idea I haven't heard before. It all sounded good until the end, then it turned into the plot of every Pokemon team. Um...you might want to rethink this. Maybe

[Guinevere]

So I read it, it was a cool idea I haven't heard before. It all sounded good until the end, then it turned into the plot of every Pokemon team. Um...you might want to rethink this. Maybe

Yes, I just noticed the similarity. Besides, where did the bio-engineering papers come from?

[Sparrowsmith]

If you want my opinion, I thought it was great until you mentioned "reviving a legendary monster".

I agree with the others on this. You have a powerful and original story until here. I'm afraid I can't think of any alternatives, but you should definitely rethink this bit.