RM Skill: Beginner
Yes, I am not an english speaker and I need help with my story. I have made a script for it because I am writing it as I would do a play. But I am not an english speaker, and I also want some tips on how to make it better for version 2 of the draft. Help will be appreciated.
Scarlet Wind by Esteban Morales Prologue There are 3 people in a desert on top of a mountain. There is nothing there except sand and cactuses and some animals like scorpions and snakes. The group is looking at the horizon, at a seemingly abandoned building in the middle of nowhere. Ceriba: Is my sister really in there? I don’t sense her. Darren: I don’t know if she’s there or not, but we don’t have any more leads. Ceriba: Maybe she lied. Anki: Trust me she did not lie to us. Somebody on the brink…trust me I know. Let’s go Raine is not going to save herself now. Anki left down the mountain path and the other two followed him. The mountain path was rough but nothing the group didn’t climb down before. They came close to the entrance and hide behind a huge rock that was on the way. Anki: I only see two guards, the same one we saw before. They are well armed but I don’t any see cameras or anything out of the ordinary. This place looks…deserted. Darren: Well armed huh? We may have to keep surveillance until we see them do their rounds just to see what exactly they… Ceriba didn’t wait for Darren to finish what he was saying and went straight for the gate. Anki: Ceriba stop, we have to… Darren and Anki ran around the perimeter while Ceriba dispatched of the guards with magic. When they came back to the gate only the charred remains of the guard remained on the ground. Anki: Are you sure you need our help getting inside? Ceriba: *Gasp…gasp* Don’t be stupid, using my abilities takes a lot of energy. If it weren’t for you guys I wouldn’t be able to make it this far. Darren: Let’s go, we can’t waste even a second. The group went inside the building. It didn’t look that big or modern as Fáfnir buildings always use to look. It looked like an old warehouse for storage. When they went inside the building they saw a small lobby, a table and a chair with a computer Anki: Doesn’t look like much. Then suddenly the doors behind closed behind them and clicked closed. Darren tried to open the door with no luck. Darren: Trapped. Ceriba: This was all a trap!? Great! Voice on the intercom: Welcome to Laboratory 257! I am the president of Fáfnir, James Fáfnir. So you’re the pests that keep sneaking and destroying my labs? Ceriba: Fáfnir… Darren: Hello Mr. Fáfnir, my name is of no importance. We came here to save her sister. We will implore you to let her go. President: Was that a joke Winters? Yes, I know all about you Gufuu Winters, or should I say Ex- Gufuu. Being on the run after killing one of yours, that’s treason. Anki: Really? And here we thought we were on the run because Ceriba here needed to lose some weight. Ceriba: HEY WATCH IT! Darren: When the Empire knows what you are planning, your company is going to be destroyed and you’re going to be executed. You’re going to pay for your treacherous sins. You hear me Fáfnir? The group was waiting for a reply but nothing was said by Fáfnir. Anki: Well he is the CEO of Fáfnir. He probably had other important stuff to do than to talk to us. Darren: He is paying attention to us if he personally talk to us. We are making a small dent in his empire. Ceriba: Cut the chit chat and let’s move before the guards know where here. The group went further into the building... In another part of the building some scientist were looking at a computer screen when the phone rang. A guy with brown hair with white streak answered the phone. Parker: Intruders…? They are already in the building? Why wasn’t I notified sooner? No don’t, our priority is to eliminate the threats to prevent secrets from leaking to the press. Yes yes, do it discreetly…okay. Parker hung up the phone when another call was immediately made. He picked it up. Parker: Parker speaking. Yes sir the 802 is ready for testing, we are already looking for subjects to use. The people that sneak into the base? Oh I see, 801 is here too? Yes sir I understand. The results should be favorable, the money spent on the machine was well spent sir I guarantee it. Yes sir. The man on the other side of the phone hung up. He walked to the front of the lab and looked at his workers. Parker: All right people, we are going to begin the testing of 802 dubbed Acacia right about now. We already have the human subjects ready. We have three guinea pigs to use so while we’re at it we are going to use 101 too; is that clear? Now get moving we have work to do. The group was sneaking past the guards when they could but were mostly fighting all of them. They went down the elevator until it stopped. They fought more guards on the bottom floor until they found a fork on the road. Ceriba: I have a feeling Raeka is going to be this way. Anki: Are you sure? I don’t want to run more than necessary. I am exhausted of all this running. Ceriba: Aren’t you a Gufuu? Aren’t you supposed to be in the best shape of your life? Anki: Unlike some people I am in the best shape of my life. Ceriba: Some people? Are you referring to me? Anki: I don’t see another fat person around here? Ceriba: Why you pedazo de mierda.I am going to kill you right here right now. Darren: We don’t have time for this. We are going to follow her senses; we don’t have anything else to go on anyways. Ok Ceriba, you lead the way. With Ceriba leading the group went to the left side but a big metal wall fall in front of them and they were separated, Ceriba on one side and Darren and Anki on the other. Ceriba: Oh no there was a trap door here. Darren: Shit, we don’t have time for this. I can’t see where to open this door, the control must be on another part of the building. Ceriba looks back on the hallway. Ceriba: The plan stays the same, try to look for another way through, I’ll be fine. Darren: I can’t leave you alone it is too risky. Ceriba: There’s no the choice. I’ll be fine; I can take care of myself. Darren: Ok I will meet up with you as fast as I can…I love you. Ceriba: I love you too. They both walked separate directions. Anki: Why do I feel like I will never see her again? And he follows Darren. Ceriba keep pressing forward until she saw a room with a person inside wearing some kind of helmet. She entered the room as she recognized her own sister. Ceriba: Raeka is that you? She attacks Ceriba while she defended back. Ceriba: Sis, is that you? What have they done to you? Raeka: … Ceriba: Don’t worry Raeka, I’ll save you. They kept fighting until Raeka fell. As she was about to hit her with a flame blast: Raeka: Ce…r..i…b… Ceriba: Raeka…! Without saying nothing Raeka unleashes ice cold wind out of nowhere and the camera is in the room is frozen and stop working. In the other part of the building Seff and Anki arrived in a similar room where Ceriba was. Inside the room they saw a man with a harness in his back. He did not say anything and started attacking the guys. Darren: It can’t be!? Is that you Zabonis? Anki: How is he alive, I saw you stab him in the chest with your sword. Zabonis came at them even more fiercely. Anki: He wasn’t much of a talker before but now he’s not even talking at all. I expected at least a hello or how’s your life been these past few months after you killed me. Darren: There’s something wrong with his eyes. Is like he’s dead. Anki: He doesn’t look dead to me. Darren: He’s not even stopping to catch his breath. The man then went into overdrive and gave a fatal injury to Darren. Anki: Darren nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Anki went into overdrive too and damage the harness in his back. Zabonis: Kkkkrrr….ah….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The scientist lost the signal and decided to gas the room. Zabonis made a hole in the wall with some unknown powers to him. Zabonis: Thank you for freeing me from that contraption kid. I’ll let you live as thanks for freeing me but if I see you again I will kill you. Then he jumped out of the building. Anki fell to the floor next to Darren as he was hurt and tired of even walking. Anki: Darren you bastard, why did you get slashed by that idiot. This failed operation is one for the history books. Are you already dead? Of course you are, there is no way you could’ve survived that injury and live to tell the story. I am guessing I will be next, because there is no way I can walk with this injury. I just can’t believe I am here; all I wanted was to be a hero in everybody’s eyes. Me, Anki the Gufuu, the youngest Gufuu ever to be chosen, the one that saved the empire by himself but now I am going to be another MIA bastard. I can’t believe after everything we did for the Empire we are going to die like dogs you and I. I always knew I would die in this line of work, but I wanted to be in the history books so kids could read my legends like the heroes of old. I always thought I was going to die fighting the enemies of the Empire, like the Zemi of Candra or the Warrior Priests of Alazne. Not like this, a stray dog without a family. My family, I forgot about them, they will never know how I died thinking I was a traitor. If only they knew that everything Ceriba, me and you did was all for the Empire of Zoroaster. The sounds of movement is heard in the distance. Anki: Well, my fans are coming. I better get up and greet them. In short minutes the room was full of soldiers surrounding the room and pointing their SMG’s at Anki. He fell on the ground as he couldn’t stand up anymore. Anki: Didn’t even lasted a second did I? An older man came into the room after the soldiers control the perimeter. Mr. Parker: What a pity…oh wait, this man is still alive. How is this man still alive after fighting with 101? He was not only able to keep up with him but he survived? How marvelous! You, get this man to room #35515 and prep him on the table. We will try another batch of serum on this person and try another kind of harness, one where we have complete control. We will cut him open until he has no memories left, I don’t want a repeat of 101. Scientist: Yes sir. Mr. Parker: As for the 101 project, there was some kind of strange anomaly in the data when he was fighting the pair of Gufuu. Find out what happened and solve it, is that understood. Scientist: Yes sir. He then turned his head to the guards. Mr. Parker: As for 101, retrieve him…alive. Guard: Yes sir. In another part of the world there were a lot of policemen doing a perimeter around a building in the country side. There were a lot of police cars, press and bystanders. Two detectives came out of the building: Detective #1: I can’t believe this kid killed all of the gang by himself. It’s unbelievable. Detective #2: Yeah, I would give him a handshake if what he did wasn’t illegal. He took all these guys by himself, the same guys that were terrorizing the town, and we have to put him on jail for doing us a favor. The law is screwed up my friend. Detective#1: Yes it is... Hey what do you want me to say to the press? Detective #2: Are you sure he confessed the murder of the gang? Detective#1: Yes sir is all right here in my notebook and I have a witness that heard him confess to the murder too. Detective #2: That’s perfect; just tell them that the kid confessed to the murder. Detective #1: Yes sir. Then the police took Seff out of the house with cuffs on him. A lot of the reporters were taking photos of him while he walked to the police car. End of Prologue.
This post has been edited by Bandito: Dec 3 2012, 06:54 PM