Creating an opening sequence, Feedback wanted. Options

[steve09424]

Hello,

Currently working on a new project and I've just threw up an opening scene that the players see once the game begins.
Any feedback and criticisms welcome!

[rewells]

Thanks for posting a video. Which video capture software did you use?

I noticed two grammatical errors: "Breakthroughs in finding lost treasures *are* (not is) *beginning* (not begining) to cause a stir high in the ranks".

The music and the camera movement is nice. The mapping looks decent overall, though the first image is a little plain. The story seems ok but doesn't really get me excited about playing. I'd like some information about the main characters and the conflict in the opening. The last line should really make the player excited. Ending with a question would be more exciting than just ending with "Academics teach...".

Hello,

Currently working on a new project and I've just threw up an opening scene that the players see once the game begins.
Any feedback and criticisms welcome!

[steve09424]

Thanks for your comments! The software I used to capture it was Microsoft Expression.

I did deliberate for a good few minutes if it was 'is' or 'are' when I typed it, turns out that it can be either in my accent >_> Good job you spotted beginning!

One problem I do have with creating games is creating dialogue and text that, while informative and interesting, doesn't give away too much information to begin with. I still need to find that right balance that I would be happy with, as a developer and a player.

[TheBen]

Nice work there. Your eye for presentation is startlingly good; I can tell you put a lot of work into the sequence. Uh, and stuff like that.
In other words, damn good.

However, and I am going to be a serious nutcase about this, there are a lot of virtually imperceptible Grammar-Nazi-level errors.
You shouldn't take too much offense by them, because I'm probably one of the few people on the planet (X-M-O is the other one, seeing as she teaches English) who would pick up on them.

-In the first paragraph, the second sentence does not have a predicate. You could link it to the first sentence if you wanted to.
-Uh... I don't know if "remediless" is a word or not. "a sickness without remedy" sounds more in character.
-"the tyranny"? Eh... "his tyrrany?" What tyrrany is he causing here, exactly?
-Ellipses between "deep within the corners of the world..." and "... So that, should he return" would avoid the predicate-less second sentence.
-The ones Mr. Gilgamesh pointed out.

I hate to rewrite every single fricken' line of dialog like that... what am I saying? I love rewriting every single line of dialog. But more on point, my suggestions for word replacements are not final and you can use something else (or keep it) if you so desire. Don't want to force you; you know more about your project than I do.

There are also some problems with seeing the white text on the snow-covered background for Fort Grotkne, and a few re-used sprites (intentional or otherwise?) between the two Jerum maps. The Mode 7 is cool, but the world map actually begins to look monotonous after awhile. If you have another portion of the map with a somewhat different color scheme that you'd like to show off, then use that for the second Mode 7 scroll-through instead.

*pants* So good work, overall. Good luck to you, man!

[MEands]

[Show/Hide] Normal Comments

The 2nd scene, the white text kinda blends with the snow, you might want to change the color, or maybe made the snow or the scene darker.
The "breakthroughs is finding lost treasures" text seems like it's on screen for too long.
I love the 3D map.

[Show/Hide] Super Picky Comments

The first scene with the mountain, I feel like the fade to black was a little too long. If you made it half a second shorter it would be perfect.
You have your name in the credits over and over, it looks good but you could just say that you did "story, mapping, editing" and all that on one credit.

[rewells]

Ah, British English. I majored in European English Literature (in America) and taught English/reading/writing (also in America). Some rules are a little different. Join the first and second sentence with a comma. I also agree that the white text doesn't look right on the light tiles, and the credits with the map scrolling goes on a little too long. Good job though!

Thanks for your comments! The software I used to capture it was Microsoft Expression.

I did deliberate for a good few minutes if it was 'is' or 'are' when I typed it, turns out that it can be either in my accent >_> Good job you spotted beginning!

One problem I do have with creating games is creating dialogue and text that, while informative and interesting, doesn't give away too much information to begin with. I still need to find that right balance that I would be happy with, as a developer and a player.

[steve09424]

Thank you guys for the support and comments. I will have a tinker with everything to correct the mistakes, reword to make it flow better, sort the credits out (They were used as a filler ) and generally make it more exciting.

I'll upload an improved version soon!