Storyline Check Options

[vvalkingman]

The following is the storyline for my current project. I will not say WHERE I feel like I'm having issues with the story because I want to see what the forum has to say without me pointing it out. Comments, critiques, suggestions, and what not are greatly appreciated. So here we go:

[Show/Hide] Storyline for "Monk: The Lazy Genius

Goshiki, "The Five Paths", is a martial art that teaches those select few to surpass the limitations of the human body. The secrets to this martial art are closely guarded and have been passed down from master to student for generations. After an internal power struggle, many masters of Goshiki lost their lives and several of the higher level techniques were lost. Several years have past and a master has appeared out of nowhere seeking students to pass on his secrets. Many famous names from around the area have shown up seeking to learn from him. Names like, "Lightning Tiger", "Ironfist Lou", "Rob the Immortal", and "Smelly Joe". Strangely enough, the master took on all who approached him as his students. Openly teaching the basics and training them. Six months have passed and none have shown even the glimpse of progress...

"Father, why are we teaching the secrets of Goshiki to this....riff raff? Over half of them don't even remotely get it and even those so called "Famous name fighters" of the area are just as hopeless... Lightning Tiger, indeed. And then there's Po(The Main Character), I've never seen someone so lazy and yet so...arrogant! It's like none of this even interests him and he's only here for the food!"
"You might not be too far off on Po, but the others...I think they have something special. Something raw. If we work with them more perhaps we'll see fruit eventually."

At this moment, the nearby village has been assaulted by bandits! One of the villagers races into the forest to the dojo to seek the help of the master. Upon hearing of the bandit problem, the master sends his "best" students: Lighting Tiger, Ironfist Lou, Rob the Immortal, and Smelly Joe to handle the problem. After finding out that Po was off sleeping at the nearby waterfall instead of meditating like he was supposed to, he sends June, his daughter, to fetch him and send him to the village to help as well. If he refuses or fails to defeat the bandits then the master will kick him out.

The others go on ahead to the village while June comes upon Po sleeping, she throws something at him but he wakes up at the last second and dodges it...crashing into the water. He gets up and yells at her for waking him to which she lets him know about the terms laid out by the master. He tells June that the others have probably already dealt with the bandits and that he's going to go back to "meditating". This infuriates June who asks why Po is even at the dojo. The others, she explains, are hopeless but at least they put forth the effort.

"You take martial arts too lightly, Po!"
"Oh? Sounds like you're challenging me, little girl. How about this, if I beat you in a spar then you let me go back to sleeping. If you win, I go check on the town."
"You, beat me? I have trained for years in the Lightning Kata, there is no way you can defeat me."
"Lightning Kata, is that the name of the style you've been using?"
"...you really HAVEN'T been paying attention!! Forget the conditions, I'm going to crush you out of principle!"
The two spar, and surprisingly Po keeps up with her. Furthermore, he is able to mimic her Lightning Fist and uses it against her! They continue to clash until the spar is interrupted by the appearance of a blonde man. He says that his name is Fisher and he can't help but notice how attractive June is and asks Po if they are together. They both heavily decline and ask what he's doing there. Fisher explains that he's in town for some business but things seem to be pretty crazy at the moment. He had heard that a master lives in the forest and was curious about him. After being reminded of the village's situation, June hits Po in the back of the head and calls the spar her win then tells him to go to the village. He obliges, leaving Fisher to continue attempting to hit on June.

Po reaches the village and finds that the group that the master sent to the village has been decimated and the villagers are being shook down for their valuables! Po figures that if he's going to eat tonight then he has to deal with the bandits. After taking a few of them out rather quickly with the use of the Lightning Kata, the bandits reveal their secret weapon: A Troll. Evidently, the beastmen of Kor Mountain have teamed up with the bandits of Kor Forest. Unsettling as the idea of bandits and beastmen working together is, Po fights the Troll one on one. Fighting the Troll with the Lightning Kata proves completely ineffective and while trying to figure out how to deal more damage to the Troll, Po unlocks the Fire Kata, an all-out offensive style kata, which he uses to defeat the massive Troll.

Meanwhile back at the dojo, June tells Fisher that the only way that she'll ever be able to date is if a suitor were able to defeat her father in one on one combat(which is how the master tends to solve all of his problems...one on one combat). Fisher's eyes light up at this and for a moment June felt an intense fighting spirit radiate from him. Before she can say anything though, two men come running up calling for Fisher.

"Boss! Boss!! We've got a problem."
"A problem, eh? I'll be right there. Sorry, my lady. It appears I have something to take care of back at the village, things should be sorted out soon I assure you."
"Boss? What exactly do you do for a living, Fisher?"
"Oh, I'm...head of a group that specializes in mergers and acquisitions. As for our date tonight, you should wear something nice. I'm thinking lobster at the La Rive Guche."
"I told you, my father-"
"I know, I'll take care of that too I assure you." to which he smiles and walks back towards the village.
"Be ready by 7!"
"Hmph, if nothing else he's confident."

After defeating the Troll, Po finds out that many of the villager's children have been kidnapped by the bandits and many of their valuables taken as well. Po thinks about all the trouble he's having to go through just to get a bowl of rice with small helpings of beef and wonders if it's even worth it. The villagers' cries start to get on his nerves so he decides to go after the bandits. As soon as he leaves, Fisher arrives on the scene revealing himself to be the leader of the bandits. The troll apologizes to Fisher for failing to defeat Po and as punishment, Fisher punches him which sends the troll flying off screen.

"Which way did that punk, Po, go?"
"Seems he went towards the river."
"Oh? Isn't 'that guy' protecting that area?"
"Yes sir, Nikolai should be at the river."
"That's too bad, I was hoping to get a little more action after those four weaklings let me down earlier. Seems I might get a good fight out of that old master in the forest later so I guess I have SOMETHING to look forward to. Come on, let's take the shortcut back to the base and make sure those beastmen understand what 'splitting fifty-fifty' means."

So that's where I'm at right now, I'll finish up telling the story when I get home tonight. Let me know what you think so far. Is it interesting? Do you even want me to finish telling the story? I'd like to hear your feedback, thanks

This post has been edited by vvalkingman: Oct 15 2012, 05:25 PM

[Clord]

C-C-Critical hit!

Anyways, this story seems a very Asian inspired.

Po is a rather arrogant individual, I gather.

This post has been edited by Clord: Oct 16 2012, 03:28 AM

[vvalkingman]

C-C-Critical hit!

Anyways, this story seems a very Asian inspired.

Po is a rather arrogant individual, I gather.

Arrogant...yes, but more bored then anything. He puts on an act, saying its too much trouble to fight but in reality he loves to fight. It's just that he never loses, so he doesn't see the point. Fisher catches on to this arrogance and calls him out on it. It pisses him off because Fisher has never been taken so lightly before. Po gets his wake up call in the fight with Fisher. The fight with Nikolai was tough but manageable. It takes someone fighting him on equal ground to actually get him excited about fighting again.

Yes it's asain inspired, what gave me away? lol

[Clord]

There is many indications. Main character wanting "Bowl of Rice" to eat especially is a quite teller.

[vvalkingman]

Well here's the second part:

[Show/Hide] Part 2

Po follows the forest path towards the mountains when he finds a river with a tiny bridge. Standing in front of it are two kobolds. One red and one blue. Behind them a man in a black cloak stood, whose face is hidden from view. The kobolds, Hido and Mako, warn Po to leave all his valuables and go back to the village unless he likes the idea of dying. After suggesting that he simply go around them and cross the river since it's so shallow, the two attack Po who dispatches them quickly. His moves catch the eye of the cloaked man who now draws his knives.

"You move well...taking you out...might be fun...how should I...carve you up?"
"You have a good presence, but I think it's mainly the cloak. What I'm saying is...I think you're full of shit."
Angered by the comment, Nikolai takes something out of his pocket...followed by a clicking sound.
"Catch."
Po looks down at the ground, his eyes widen, and he leaps back JUST in time to miss the brunt of the small bomb's explosion!
Before Po can gather himself, three knives are thrown at him and he just barely dodges them. Another two bombs are thrown his way as well. Nikolai has no intention of letting Po have a moment to breathe but he underestimates Po's Lightning Kata. Po closes the distance and strikes but Nikolai surprisingly dodges and counters with his knives. The fight goes on this way for awhile, Po's Lightning Kata and Fire Kata not landing a single hit on the swift bandit. Po is beginning to get frustrated...and sloppy. BOOM, a bomb goes off nearby sending him flying against a tree! Clack clack clack! Three knives hit him deep. The bandit laughs as Po cries out in pain.
"Don't worry, I didn't hit any vitals there. I want you to suffer for that earlier comment. Now where should I get you next? Your thigh? Your foot? How about your forearm? I know! How about all three at once?! Hahahahaha!"

Meanwhile back at the dojo, June is speaking with her father about her spar with Po.
"I couldn't believe it. He actually matched my speed and was even able to perform the Lightning Kata's Lighting Fist! I don't know what to think about him, was he actually paying attention to our teaching the whole time? But I've never seen him perform it until the spar!"
"That's because he didn't have to. Hmph, to think he hid such a thing from me."
"Hid? What do you mean?"
"That lazy bum....is actually a genius at fighting and spirit power manipulation. I bet it comes as easy to him as breathing...that little brat, how could I not see it until now?"
"Po...the Po that talks with his mouth full and sleeps all day is a genius?? But he never trains and came from a farming village, there is no way he has the endurance or the strength to keep using the abilities."
"Of course not, I'm sure it take a HEAVY toll on his unrefined body. But I wonder...if he's been paying attention this whole time, that means that all the kata's we've shown him should be in his head...it took you three years to perfect the Lightning Kata, in six months he has come this far. Just how far can that brat take Goshiki if he was actually serious? Yes...I'd like to see that. A serious Po."
Nikolai throws three more knives at Po.
"Getting hit by knives is a pain..." Po's right arm shoots out and catches all three knives with lightning speed and precision. He throws the knives back at a shocked Nikolai who leaps out of the way. Po removes the bloody knives from his shoulder and chest, dropping them on the ground and looking up at Nikolai with a glare...and a smirk.
"That look...really pisses me off! Still looking down on me eh?! Look at you! You can't even hit me!!"
"Hmm, how did that stance look again? I think...it was something like...this."
Po raises his arms and turns his body to the side.
"You won't be hitting me with anymore knives now, Nikki."
A cold chill runs down Nikolai's spine.
"You're bluffing! Like you could do anything against my attacks before! A stupid stance isn't going to make any difference!"
Nikolai was mistaken. It wasn't a stupid stance. It was the counter-intensive Water Kata stance. Not a single knife or bomb touched Po again and Nikolai was soon overwhelmed by his own redirected attacks and Po's counters. Po stood over Nikolai victorious!
"You're thinking about 'fighting him one-on-one' aren't you, Dad?"
"?!! Hahahaha you know me well, June! Hahahaha! It should be fun, fighting a serious Po."

I thought I'd be able to do this all in two halves but it looks like I've gotta get back to work :/ Call it building dramatic tension lol let me know what you guys n gals think. Is it interesting? Is it boring? What would you add or take away? Etc etc thanks in advance

This post has been edited by vvalkingman: Oct 16 2012, 10:43 AM

[Magical_RuNE_Kni...]

It's really pretty interesting. : ) I like it anyway, lol. \o/

..The only thing i might suggest is maybe changing the line where she says he, "came from a farming village, there is no way he has the endurance or the strength to keep using the abilities."
I dunno, personally... it seems like it would almost b the opposite... ( '^')/ Like working at a farming village would mean working in the sun, and lifting stuff, and plowing stuff, and etc. Maybe u can change it to something like "he eats and sleeps all day!" haha.

But other than that, i think what u have so far is great. ' v '

[vvalkingman]

I see what you mean. I guess when she was saying that, she meant that since he hasn't been doing intense training specifically FOR goshiki that he wouldn't have the strength & stamina necessary to use the moves often. I gave him the background of being a farmer's son so that it would make sense that he has SOME strength & stamina which would allow him to use the techniques at all. The idea that he would be a merchant's son who only sleeps and eats all day yet has the physique necessary to use advanced martial arts just didn't seem plausible. Furthermore, the idea that he had to do all this hardwork as a farmer in order to eat and now he gets to be lazy and still get to eat sort of works out better...at least in my head lol I guess I should find a way to word that better though, thanks for pointing it out