story idea Options

[Iperks]

WAR-CRY
2300 years ago when evil still roamed earth and there were many kingdoms, some small some covering massive chunks of their region. In this world was kingdom that went by the name of Commonwealth of Shires. In this kingdom was a massive army and within that army was one of the few one of the best one of the hated the Meta’s. With only about 20 Meta’s left one of these by the name of Grimoire Griffon This meta had been recruited by the king at the age of 14 after his parents tried to kill him and he was left alone in the back allies’ of the kingdom. Grimoire Griffon went off against armies with only 20 other men and 1 other Meta. After 20 years and over 50 victories Grimoire Griffon found a secret. A secret he should have never have found. What he found was that was his precious kingdom he fought for and protected for was with the evil and for the evil. All those battles he fought were only tests and as he searched more he found out the other meta his only friend out of the entire kingdom had been killed to use for testing. He soon fled to the town of Hameshtern a small village more north to the region. Even after he escaped the king had order hundreds of men and assassin and all that he could, looking to kill him for what he knew. His village was soon burned and looted as he fled to the next region and had hidden throughout the kingdoms each time barley escaping. As time went on this as they called meta knight was soon consumed by the fear and soon found himself at an enemy camp where he found other metas used and now contained to strengthen the evil into a unknowns biological mixture of pure evil and goodness into a uncontrollable mega evil. Now Grimoire Griffon fled to the nearest kingdom training supplying finding what he could using what he could because as he knew he had to do what no else could he had to face this ravage evil and fight it off as he had in the past. So now he had set off in search for the 20 mega creatures to kill and restore the metas but he also has over time created enemy’s and has to deal with asassins and armies against him. But along this he found hidden metas and other people willing to help and soon becomes great friends with these newly found partners. But as he pushes forward his friends soon die one by one to where there are 2 left and one last mega evil. In this battle the last Meta facing the brink of death but was save but his older friends and was healed and the boss stunned and weakened to fight. Near the end the last mega evil unleashes his final blow killing him and your friend who protect you in the battle and now you are alone all over again everything is lost for you but you have saved what is left but now another evil is rising but that is a story yet to be told.

[Clord]

It is normal to have grammar mistakes but come on. It does not hurt to have some formatting and spell checking in there.

This post has been edited by Clord: Nov 4 2012, 02:06 AM

[ZarroTsu]

2300 years ago when evil still roamed earth

Because, as we all know, "evil" is a sentient being. People don't do bad things because they have to! PSSH that's just silly!

In this kingdom was a massive army and within that army was one of the few one of the best one of the hated the Meta’s.

The best at what? I can't even tell what this grammar is meant to be afflicting. The best at being hated? The best at combat? The best at magic? The best at knitting?

With only about 20 Meta’s left

Why? If they're the best, why the heck wouldn't people aspire to be them? Why would they have loses? They aren't really "the best" if they die just as casually as any other army. Unless there are very few knitting wars.

Grimoire Griffon

THE BOOK BIRD.

This meta had been recruited by the king at the age of 14 after his parents tried to kill him and he was left alone in the back allies’ of the kingdom.

MARYSUE ALERT. MARYSUE ALERT.

How the hell do you fail to kill a 14 year old? Did they just ditch him in a back ally and assume he'd die? Okay, fair enough, but why did they attempt to kill him? Poverty? Taxes? BeCaUsE tHeY wErE eViL? Pretty damn shallow. But okay, let's go with it, this dude's a street rat.

Grimoire Griffon went off against armies with only 20 other men and 1 other Meta.

Boy, it's a good thing you gave us all the information behind these 21 men, their beliefs, who they're fighting for, why they're fighting against such horrifying odds, and whether or not they even like BOOK BIRD or not. Is BOOK BIRD suppose to be the badassiest dude ever? Is he a Mary-Sue? Why does the "other Meta" give a fuck enough to stick around if he's suppose to be a badass dude too? WELP ENOUGH OF THAT PLOT POINT *throws paper ball out the window*

What he found was that was his precious kingdom he fought for and protected for was with the evil and for the evil.

EVIL HOW!? Did they kill a lot of people? Do they snap the necks of babies to fuel their tanks? Does their head office listen to Justin Beiber un-ironically? "EVIL" IS NOT JUST SOME MAGICAL THING THAT HAPPENS. PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS WHEN THEY ARE FORCED TO DO BAD THINGS. NOBODY WAKES UP ONE DAY AND SAYS "TODAY I'M GOING TO BE EVIL!". EVERYONE IS THE HERO OF THEIR OWN STORY. EVERYONE. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE RIGHT, BUT IT MEANS THAT TO GET TO THEIR GOALS THEY MIGHT NEED TO DO SOME THINGS THAT ARE PERCEIVED AS EVIL BY OTHER PEOPLE, BUT IF THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS THEY'D DO IT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO. THEY THINK THEY ARE THE GOOD GUY, WHETHER OR NOT THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS SO.

YOU ARE NOT CLEVER BY CALLING SOMETHING "EVIL" BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO BE EVIL. THAT IS BAD STORYTELLING.

All those battles he fought were only tests and as he searched more he found out the other meta his only friend out of the entire kingdom had been killed to use for testing.

Testing for what? The knitted sweaters they made? "They said one size fits all... THEY LIED ;_; *dead*"

Even after he escaped the king had order hundreds of men and assassin and all that he could, looking to kill him for what he knew.

This seems like a pretty good way of openly revealing the 'secret' of them being 'evil'. Just send one dude to poison his drinks at a pub. Problem fucking solved. NO LET'S THROW COUNTLESS RESOURCES AT ONE DUDE JUST TO PROVE HE'S RIGHT AS OPPOSED TO EITHER IGNORING HIM OR KILLING HIM ACCIDENTALLY, THAT'S THE BEST IDEA.

meta knight

soon found himself at an enemy camp where he found other metas used and now contained to strengthen the evil into a unknowns biological mixture of pure evil and goodness into a uncontrollable mega evil.

You're... You're serious? This isn't parody? You seriously thought that this sounded like a good idea in your head, and you wanted to make a forum topic wherein you'd STATE this.

That's it, I'm narrating this on youtube later today. This is GOLD.

Near the end the last mega evil unleashes his final blow killing him and your friend who protect you in the battle and now you are alone all over again everything is lost for you but you have saved what is left but now another evil is rising but that is a story yet to be told.

So our protagonist has absolutely nothing to do with the penultimate storyline except some cheap revenge clause, which, mind you, would be perceived as 'evil' by a hell of a lot of people, sort of ruining your idea that 'evil' is an entity as opposed to a perception. And, mind you, BOOK BIRD's journey to this point sounds a heck of a lot more interesting than some newbie mary-sue pussy-footing around to finish someone else's business against their will, just because you wanted a character you could put yourself into because you wanted to be an hero yourself.

In short, what the hell did I just read?

This post has been edited by ZarroTsu: Nov 4 2012, 07:10 AM

[Shaddow]

I really want to say something nice about this post. So I will. It is obvious that you have a potentially good world here, a potentially good story. Yet you seem to only have things written in the most generic of senses. There is a lot of empty and generic storyline here, like you filled out a mad-libs of generic rpg stock.

If you could give the characters any sort of motivation or reason to exist that someone could relate too, and give them some sort of name that doesn't make people automatically want to make fun of them, you'd probably have a good start. I know that most people seem to think that 'Cloud' is a cool name. It is not. Cloud is a cool character and as such people forgave his name. You really need to make memorable names that people will associate with your characters, but not something so crazy as Grimoire Griffon, and keep in mind that it is not the name, but the character themselves that is remembered.

I want to continue on, but I think ZarroTsu covered almost everything else, in a hilarious if mean fashion. I'd be glad to give you honest feedback and advice and even some suggestions on how you can improve this story and still keep what you want from it, so feel free to respond if you'd like the help.

[Iperks]

It's just a basic outline of my story idea i have much more to write about i was just showing it to see if it had any worth to it. I will be remaking it and explaining everything along with fixing any errors i have in it. I made this in about 45 min. It's just the bare bones of my story not even that really. Thanks for the criticism.

edit:Also thank you ZarroTsu and Shaddowval

This post has been edited by Iperks: Nov 4 2012, 01:58 PM

[markchapman10]

2300 years ago when evil still roamed earth

Because, as we all know, "evil" is a sentient being. People don't do bad things because they have to! PSSH that's just silly!

In this kingdom was a massive army and within that army was one of the few one of the best one of the hated the Meta�€™s.

The best at what? I can't even tell what this grammar is meant to be afflicting. The best at being hated? The best at combat? The best at magic? The best at knitting?

With only about 20 Meta�€™s left

Why? If they're the best, why the heck wouldn't people aspire to be them? Why would they have loses? They aren't really "the best" if they die just as casually as any other army. Unless there are very few knitting wars.

Grimoire Griffon

THE BOOK BIRD.

This meta had been recruited by the king at the age of 14 after his parents tried to kill him and he was left alone in the back allies�€™ of the kingdom.

MARYSUE ALERT. MARYSUE ALERT.

How the hell do you fail to kill a 14 year old? Did they just ditch him in a back ally and assume he'd die? Okay, fair enough, but why did they attempt to kill him? Poverty? Taxes? BeCaUsE tHeY wErE eViL? Pretty damn shallow. But okay, let's go with it, this dude's a street rat.

Grimoire Griffon went off against armies with only 20 other men and 1 other Meta.

Boy, it's a good thing you gave us all the information behind these 21 men, their beliefs, who they're fighting for, why they're fighting against such horrifying odds, and whether or not they even like BOOK BIRD or not. Is BOOK BIRD suppose to be the badassiest dude ever? Is he a Mary-Sue? Why does the "other Meta" give a fuck enough to stick around if he's suppose to be a badass dude too? WELP ENOUGH OF THAT PLOT POINT *throws paper ball out the window*

What he found was that was his precious kingdom he fought for and protected for was with the evil and for the evil.

EVIL HOW!? Did they kill a lot of people? Do they snap the necks of babies to fuel their tanks? Does their head office listen to Justin Beiber un-ironically? "EVIL" IS NOT JUST SOME MAGICAL THING THAT HAPPENS. PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS WHEN THEY ARE FORCED TO DO BAD THINGS. NOBODY WAKES UP ONE DAY AND SAYS "TODAY I'M GOING TO BE EVIL!". EVERYONE IS THE HERO OF THEIR OWN STORY. EVERYONE. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE RIGHT, BUT IT MEANS THAT TO GET TO THEIR GOALS THEY MIGHT NEED TO DO SOME THINGS THAT ARE PERCEIVED AS EVIL BY OTHER PEOPLE, BUT IF THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS THEY'D DO IT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO. THEY THINK THEY ARE THE GOOD GUY, WHETHER OR NOT THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS SO.

YOU ARE NOT CLEVER BY CALLING SOMETHING "EVIL" BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO BE EVIL. THAT IS BAD STORYTELLING.

All those battles he fought were only tests and as he searched more he found out the other meta his only friend out of the entire kingdom had been killed to use for testing.

Testing for what? The knitted sweaters they made? "They said one size fits all... THEY LIED ;_; *dead*"

Even after he escaped the king had order hundreds of men and assassin and all that he could, looking to kill him for what he knew.

This seems like a pretty good way of openly revealing the 'secret' of them being 'evil'. Just send one dude to poison his drinks at a pub. Problem fucking solved. NO LET'S THROW COUNTLESS RESOURCES AT ONE DUDE JUST TO PROVE HE'S RIGHT AS OPPOSED TO EITHER IGNORING HIM OR KILLING HIM ACCIDENTALLY, THAT'S THE BEST IDEA.

meta knight

soon found himself at an enemy camp where he found other metas used and now contained to strengthen the evil into a unknowns biological mixture of pure evil and goodness into a uncontrollable mega evil.

You're... You're serious? This isn't parody? You seriously thought that this sounded like a good idea in your head, and you wanted to make a forum topic wherein you'd STATE this.

That's it, I'm narrating this on youtube later today. This is GOLD.

Near the end the last mega evil unleashes his final blow killing him and your friend who protect you in the battle and now you are alone all over again everything is lost for you but you have saved what is left but now another evil is rising but that is a story yet to be told.

So our protagonist has absolutely nothing to do with the penultimate storyline except some cheap revenge clause, which, mind you, would be perceived as 'evil' by a hell of a lot of people, sort of ruining your idea that 'evil' is an entity as opposed to a perception. And, mind you, BOOK BIRD's journey to this point sounds a heck of a lot more interesting than some newbie mary-sue pussy-footing around to finish someone else's business against their will, just because you wanted a character you could put yourself into because you wanted to be an hero yourself.

In short, what the hell did I just read?

I lol so hard at this knitted sweaters.


Do not double post -Jonnie19
sry, I must have double clicked reply or something wont happen again!

This post has been edited by markchapman10: Nov 4 2012, 03:28 PM

[Iperks]

Update

Meta’s

Meta’s are a type of superhuman. They have the ability to call upon demons to aid them in battle or call upon angels to heal them.

History:
The Meta’s were originated from Kalah(An organization in biological magic)
These so called Meta’s were banned from society because of the special ability’s. These Meta’s are not just powerful but to sustain such power sacrifice is given as to slowly killing the Meta. But overtime the Meta’s found a way to stop it. A ritual that can be made by sacrificing thousands of people in order to create a Gila crystal which can be merged into you and give you the power to withstand all the power. The world soon agreed on taking out all of the Meta’s for a safety reason. Most Meta’s fought to their death and some hid for ages. Only leaving about 20 left

The character(being renamed)

History:

Your parents were Kalah and as you were born they had transformed you into a Meta and hid you from society. At around the age of 11 you parents were murdered in front of you by A Fershred( A demon that has the looks of a bull and a large Human and has the power to plow down buildings). You as a kid ran from you village to a kingdom for protection. But instead you were hated, thrown on the streets, beat up by local people of the kingdom. After a year of a hard life barely surviving the king on a walk down through the kingdom saw you being beat to death by some drunks so he ordered his troops to arrest them and went over to you where he could see the Kardalsh(symbol or mark that is burned onto your skin if you are a Meta). The king took you in and raised you to be a soldier were you trained with another Meta. Being a meta the king found a power in you that he could use. So put you to the test to fight armies of monster or other kingdoms. After years you as a full man had been going to bed but overheard something. It was the king….. and the dark lord.

im also remaking some of the story.
I will be adding more info and history.

This post has been edited by Iperks: Nov 4 2012, 02:24 PM

[Shaddow]

This is a pretty solid improvement, keep up the good work!

[Iperks]

Thank you. I'm trying to get all the info in so everyone knows whats going on and what's what. Now for the next update when i say The evil it means i haven't come up with the name for the general enemy groups so heres the vote so far

Other info
Evil(like enemy’s or monsters so far no name)

Names for vote

Goblin group name

Altriad

Zorarc

Noriac

Other(your pick)

Demon/human

Hethorock

Maltred

Other(your pick)

Flying demon/other

Felorus

Norsac

Karsac

Other(your pick)

More will be added..

[Iperks]

Kingdom Info

Kingdom Castroth
Pop: 16,565
Army: 2,300
History: The kingdom was founded about 2400 years before 2012. The person who created this kingdom was Alfred the III The ruler for 25 years. This kingdom was a scientific miracle worker. It created hundreds of medical antidotes and other remedies for sickness and also created power through a special magic called eclipto. Eclipto is power generated by heat and general magic concentrate. This kingdom lasts as a major power for 200 years before it eventually died off. But there are still scientist living there and merchants with special medicine you can’t find anywhere else.

The kingdom of dalthers
Pop: 572,342
Army: 112,600
History: This kingdom originated over 1,000 years before this story. It is one of the few original kingdoms left. The original kingdoms are some of the very first and only few survive and are successful. This kingdom is one of the warlords and they control a huge chunk of one of the region(still naming regions) this kingdom has the highest of population of most of the kingdoms that are still standing. Most of the residents of the kingdom are merchants or small business workers.

More kingdoms

Kingdom of Azuri
Pop: 342,780
Army: 125,000
History:
This kingdom was founded 200 years before our adventures story. It was founded by Kelington sir kar the IV and stand now as the central hub Mainly for merchants and tourists. Because of this all of the central market hubs are near sea to set up trade routes. This kingdom also has a well trained and equipped army capable of fight against strong military opponents.

The elskai kingdom
Pop: 1,345,275
Army: 78,700
History:
This kingdom is one of the other originals and is also one of the most popular of the chain of kingdoms. This kingdom has small army for its huge population but still has great tactics despite its power. This is where most travelers go to settle in or rest during their adventures. The huge population is because of the democracy government type system and great economy compared to most kingdoms.

Villages

Talski village
Pop: 342
Army: 57
History:
This village is connected to the kingdom of castroth and is small but within the land and safely protected. This village is near a small forest so they have a high woodcutting industry for their economy.


Falaski village
Pop: 652
Army: 128
History:
Falaski is a treetop Elvin village hidden on the forest. This city is almost completely unknown except for the legends of them having ultimate magic and huge healing ability’s. this village does not live by any kingdom and has a small army. Yet they still can withstand monsters and army’s as they are vanishing while going through the forest (unnamed).